Have any of you ever delt with this?
So last weekend I was in FSD(7)'s room putting up her clothes that I had just washed and folded. She was lying on her bed watching a movie and I had to stand in her way in order to get to the dresser drawers. Do you think that I would get a thanks for putting my clothes up? Nope. I get you're in my way.
I turned around and aksed her if she though that maybe a thank you would be better seeing as how I was putting her clothes away. Her response, "you're being mean". Really? I then tried to explain to her that I was not being mean that she is fully capable of putting her clothes away and that I was doing it to be nice and when people do nice things for you that you should say thank you. Her resonse, "No you were being mean". So at this point I told her that if she was going to treat me that way when I'm doing something for her that she is fully capable of doing she can put her own clothes away from now on. Her response, "guess who I'm going to tell". At that point I was pissed. I don't like to be threatened, especially by a 7 year old, so I told her that she could go ahead and tell her mother that she has to put her own clothes away. Her mom knows that she is fully capable of doing it as well.
She also has this issue with running to FDH everytime I ask her to do something and telling on me or making up lies and telling FDH that I've said or done something that never happened.
Have any of you guys had to deal with your skids trying threaten or bully you into doing things for them, telling on you all of the time, ot making up ramdom lies about you to try and get you and your SO to fight? Any ideas why a child would do this?
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Ah yes, well, next time the
Ah yes, well, next time the clothing can be piled either in her doorway if you choose to move it that far or left on FDHs pillow\computer\whereever he is bound to see it and forced to move it before he can do what he wanted to do. When asked why, simply tell him last time you asked SD to help you, you were informed you were mean and she was going to tell on you for asking so now he can do it for her.
Uggg.
I just don't understand what
I just don't understand what she's thinking. Like threatening me is going to work and asking for a thank you is mean. I don't think it's FDH's responsibility to put her clothes away. She is fully capable of doing it herself. Which is why I told her that if she can't say thank you when someone does something nice for her like putting her clothes away she can just do it herself.
I wouldn't not have waited
I wouldn't not have waited for next time either. I would have gotten back "in her way" taken all the clothes out of the drawers, unfolded them, turned the tv off and made her fold and put them away right then.
Then again, I AM mean! }:)
I would have too. I leave
I would have too. I leave the clean clothes on the bed. FSD5 puts them away not me. I dont fold them either, they go from the dryer to her bed.
I would have done the same.
I would have done the same.
My SS5 doesn't threaten me so
My SS5 doesn't threaten me so much as he just makes EVERYTHING up and lies CONSTANTLY. If I correct his behavior, or give him a time out, he tells me "I don't like when you hit/hurt me, it's not nice" and "you don't make me happy, so I'm not going to be good". A lot of this stems from the fact that DH feels the need to "get both sides of the story" when I tell him about misbehavior. So rather than discplining and correcting the behavior, he sits SS5 down and "talks" to him about what happened. Usually, there is a "don;t do that again" and it's done and over with. But often he'll come back out and ask me why I turned off SS5's dvd player or took his toy. Except I never did those things.
I really can't say why you're FSD7 does it. A lot of it probably stems from reinforcement of that behavior against you from BM. Some of it probably comes from a lack of discipline and correction from FDH. We can only correct and guide so much. If the Bioparents don;t step up and help, it just reinforces that we are not an authority figure and that the children are the bosses.
Here's the thing, FHD does
Here's the thing, FHD does not tolerate it. She gets in trouble everytime she does it. That's what amazes him too. He's flat out told me that her lies and tellign on me has never worked before and he can't understand why she continues it expecting to get me in trouble. Her mother doesn't even believe her lies about me.
That's the plan Echo. I have
That's the plan Echo. I have no problem doing nice things for her but if she going to be rude and threatening me she ca do it herself.
She'd be doing her own damn
She'd be doing her own damn laundry. In fact, SD8 does do her own laundry in my house because of this exact same behavior.
I get tattled on all the time. She doesn't threaten to do it anymore, but she does it. Not to dh because he'd tell her she is to blame, but to BM. And BM "makes it up to her". Whatever. She can tell her BM whatever she wants. BM doesn't live here and doesn't get a vote!
And when she used to threaten, I would calmly respond with "Go ahead. It won't change anything. Your mother might tell you I am wrong or that you don't have to listen to me, but in the end, you'll be the one standing in the corner for not listening, not your mother."
I used to get upset when the
I used to get upset when the Skids would "tattle" to BM too. But now I look at it as 'bonding time' with their mother. She abandoned them and they despise her for it, but have always wanted her accpetance.
Now that I am in the picture the kids get to complain to her about me and she can baby them. Their words don't hurt my feelings anymore, I figure the kids are getting something out of it...a feeling that their mom cares about them. And BM's opinion of me doesn't matter to me at all
Since I have changed my way of looking at it things have gotten better for me.
My SD8 tattles/fibs to her BM
My SD8 tattles/fibs to her BM about everything..... stupid stuff that makes no sense. It drives me crazy! Usually within 2 hrs of returning her to BM, she is calling bitching about what SD8 has told her. Any person in their right mind would blow it off or laugh about it.... The things she says or tattles/fibs about are really that rediculous. *example* SD8 went home and told her we didn't feed her one time. BM calls freaking out and throwing accusations around.... When in fact SD8 had been fed, she just wasn't going get a dessert like she wanted so she refused to finish her meal. I don't play that, you eat what you are given or you don't the choice is yours. Anyways, instead of asking BM flips out and then of course stakes her out to DQ because we didn't give her dessert. UGH. I have yet to understand why SD8 does this because her time with us is 150% better with us than with BM (even BM parents agree). The only thing I can come up with is that she does it because that is the only positive attention (per/se) she gets from BM. She tattles/fibs and BM is all lovey to her because "we are so awful". We are constantly going over this with her because she seems to have an issue of it, she doesn't tattle much her.... once in awhile to DH when things don't go her way or she thinks it will get her something extra from him. We don't acknowledge it and she gets punished for it when she is in my home. I won't put up with it.
it's the way kids are
it's the way kids are Unhappy. this is what she does to get her way. these are the sorts of things sd10 (a natural at manipulation) and sd8 (learned from her sister and mom) do all.the.time!
"i won't play with you if you don't do what i say"
"i hate you...you're mean...because you won't do what i want"
you can punish for the threats. but personally i'd try not to let it get to me. just don't put her clothes away. you and dh should have a rule that the clothes are to be put away by such and such time. i'd also take the t.v. out of her room at least until she can show some appreciation.
i think the best response to stuff like that is to simply not allow it to work. if it doesn't work for them then they will try a different approach.
You handled it very well! I
You handled it very well!
I would have responded "Yes, I am mean" as I took the TV with me when I left the room lol and dumped the pile of clothes on the bed.
I like your way of handling it
Thanks. I really wanted to
Thanks. I really wanted to tell to go ahead and tell her mother. I'm not afraid of her but I didn't.
the being mean part, imo, is
the being mean part, imo, is part of a selfish, egotistical personality that expects everyone to serve them. when sd19 was 17, her gp's gave her an old jeep, free and clear. grampa paid the insurance and gave her gas money every week. she had it made. she still bitched about the jeep. gp's were struggling financially and gramma sent sd an email telling her that in 6 months, she would have to start paying the insurance on the jeep herself, as they could not afford to keep doing it. sd responded and told her gramma that it was "rude" of her to send her an email like that. :O :?
apparently it is rude to be expected to pay your own way and be given 6 months notice. it is rude that they were not going to just pay indefinitely so sd could drive 100% free. never a thank you for what you have done or anything like that, just basically "you're an asshole for not continuing to do this." and as for the gas money grampa was giving her, she was still bitching about never having any gas, but the floor of the jeep was covered in fast food bags.
I would have dropped her
I would have dropped her insurance THAT day!
If my own kids did that, we
If my own kids did that, we would not settle for put your own clothes away next time.
I would tell them if they were more concerned about the TV than being civil, polite, and helping with the family than the TV was going until they learned those lessons. And I would unplug the TV and put it in my closet.
"guess who I'm going to
"guess who I'm going to tell".
That made my blood boil. She's going to tattle on YOU??
You are actually much nicer than I am. I would have torn everything down I just put up and made her do it. I also would have taken her tv with me as I went. What a bratty attitude.
It did make my blood boil and
It did make my blood boil and I should have taken her TV. I'm am getting so sick and tiered of all of the tattling. I told FDH that when she does it in the future that he should act like he's all mad at the fact that I did something and then walk up to me like I'm in trouble and he's mad, but instead of yelling he should just grab me and give me a kiss as a punishment and then we can sit there and giggle and hold each other in front of her. I figured that would take the steam out her sails. Plus it would really piss her off and I think, well at least hope, that would be the key to get her to stop.
What do you guys think if that idea? Good to go or not so much?
Yes, I would have dumped the
Yes, I would have dumped the clothes and told her to put them away as well. Additionally, I would have asked, "Who are you going to tell?" and if she said bm, I would have said, Well, lets go right now and call her and *I* will tell her exactly what is happening. I would call her bluff.
SS never really threatened me with telling bm-but he would make stuff up about her (as he was making stuff up about me at her house)-sometimes minor things-sometimes really bad stuff-so i got to the point where I'd be like, "OmG-did she really do that? well, let's go call her right now and have a talk about that". That would freak him out and eventually he stopped telling tales, at least at our house.
I don't recall having a tone
I don't recall having a tone when I asked her to say thank you. I know I had a tone after she threatened me in order to bully in into getting her way. I do not take kindly to threats and she needed to know that she was way out of line.
Let me tell you a little story about this child:
Last summer she wanted me to do her hair. I was ruching to get out of the house so that I could run all of my errands. I still stopped everything that I was doing in order to put her hair in a pony. When I was done she was upset with me because the part wasn't perfect. I told her that it really didn't matter because she was going swimming and her hair was going to get messed up and I needed to leave. I set the brush on the counter turned around walked out of the bathroom and turned the light off. Now the bathroom has a big bay window in it so it was not dark by any means and I knew if I didn't shut the light off it would remain on the whole time I was running my errands.
She waited for me to leave and then went to FDH bawling. She told him that after I did her hair I took the brush and slammed it down on the counter and then turned the light off on her. Did this happen? No. Why she would make up a lie about that, I really have no clue.
She thought that me dropping everything that I was doing to cater to her and not getting her part staright in her hair was mean so she tried to cause a fight between FDH and I. This is just how this little girl works. If you make her clean up a mess that she's made, you're mean. If she has to take a time out because she has put her hands on another child, you're mean. She's like this with her father as well. Basically she thinks that anything she's made to do that she doesn't want to do is because someone is being mean to her.