DH Wants To Move Closer to His Boys
I knew this was coming. DH was been whining about not seeing his boys enough and missing his daughter growing up. So now he wants to uproot our family to move closer to the boys so he can go to their Little League games. WTF?
We live about 65 miles away from where the boys live. If there is no traffic, it is about an hour, but during rush hour it is about 2 hours. DH has SS7 and SS9 every other weekend, but they are involved in sports and activities and most weekends they’re here involves driving them back and forth to go to games, Cub Scout activities, taekwando tournaments, etc. He doesn’t want to tell them they can’t do things because they have to come visit him.
I know it hurts DH that he can’t be more involved in his boys’ lives and wants to be the Superdad who goes to all of their games and is involved in their daily lives. He won’t accept that isn’t possible.
He’s also insanely jealous of BM’s husband who the boys adore and is very involved in their lives. Honestly, DH could step aside and it would be the perfect stepfamily situation.
DH told me he went looking at rental houses in the city the boys’ live in after he dropped them off yesterday and wants me to go down there next weekend with him.
But this is absolutely ridiculous. We cannot move that far. I work here. There is no way I’m commuting 2-4 hours every day to my job. I’m not going to make my son change schools again and uproot him from his friends. I’m not going to move further away from my extended family who are all here.
I can tolerate having the boys every other weekend. I don’t want to deal with them 50% of the month. I don’t want to keep having to waste every weekend going to their games and hearing DH talk nonstop about them. It’s not like DH needs to move closer because the boys are in a bad situation. They’re doing fine.
I don’t know how to convince him to just let his boys go and accept that he’s a long distance dad and there’s nothing wrong with not being involved in their daily lives. He won’t listen to me and how moving would impact my life or my son’s life.
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Comments
I don't think you should try
I don't think you should try to convince a parent to let their children go. How would you feel if he tried to convince you to let your kids go??
Years ago, we had to drive like that for SD. About 50 miles, but with traffic it took 2 hours.
If you refuse to move, tell him just to keep driving back and forth. They won't be little forever.
With my son, my ex-husband
With my son, my ex-husband has completely walked away and it has worked out for the best. I know my DH loves his kids, but some times you have to do what's for the best.
BM wants to go to a schedule where the boys only visit once a month. That would be fine with me, but the driving back and forth has to stop since it's is killing our marriage. I don't have any time with my DH. All weekends are focused on what his kids are doing. Things cannot work like this.
How much time in your
How much time in your household is spent on your kids??
My weekends were focused on kid activities for many years. I had 4 kids involved in numerous activities: cheer, chess, soccer, baseball, basketball, wrestling, karate, piano lessons, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts...and that's just off the top of my head!!
Being a parent means you stop being selfish. It's only for a season, too. Eventually the kids will grow up, hang with their friends on weekends, and then be on with their own lives.
I think it's incredibly selfish to have YOUR kids in the home, using your resources, but saying that DH "being there" for his kids is tearing apart your marriage.
Could it possibly be that your selfish desires and his reluctance to aquiesce to your wishes/demands is what's killing your marriage??
ETA: Holy shitballs, lady... you're the one who posted how upset and hurt you are that DH doesn't consider YOUR son to be HIS son?!? What do you expect, him to just drop his OWN KIDS because yours is there full time and has a deadbeat dad of his own?!?
I stand corrected. Your selishness rivals some I've never seen before. You should check yourself.
OP, no way would I move. You
OP, no way would I move. You have a job there, and a life. It's called divorce for a reason-I find it incredibly selfish of your DH not to spend the weekends that you don't have his kids at home with his new family, instead of running back and forth all weekend. I don't get where you are in the wrong here, and I think it is silly that some posters are trying to point out that you are. I don't understand the mentality of people who think everything should be dropped for the sake of children, including marriages.
I think there has to be some
I think there has to be some compromise here. He is trying to do the right thing. Why not live separately? I have considered it if SD came back...
It's hard for me to
It's hard for me to comment..... what led to him being in a different town?
Has he been OK with being that far from them all this time, and now all of the sudden he's got regrets?
On the surface, this reminds me of a situation in my family's past, but I don't know how similar it is.
But, it seems to me that when two people who have children marry one another, they are committing to one another, and they are also committing to parent together. He has an obligation to you, his wife, but he also has a duty before GOD to his children.... when you married him, you took on supporting him in all his obligations.
I'm sure you can find a compromise....
He moved because of a new job
He moved because of a new job about 5 years ago, and then BM moved further away (within the same area). Since he was the one who first moved away from her, she puts it on him to do all the driving. She won't help and met him halfway. But the drive hadn't been so bad before she moved further away from the freeway.
In the state in which my
In the state in which my custody arrangement was contrived, generally the parents share the burden of visitation, both in time and money. Does a CO give her the right to refuse, or has he allowed her to refuse to meet halfway?
If he moved because of work, it is reasonable to request meeting halfway for visitation.
True, Lily, but that still
True, Lily, but that still doesn't solve the dilemma of activities, games, etc. that he would like to be at as a parent.
Good point. Some compromise
Good point. Some compromise will be required here, I think.
There really isn't any good
There really isn't any good options between here and where the boys lived, especially in terms of schools.
We had looked at it when we moved last year, but we wanted to stay close to our jobs and my family.
But the problem is, if DH
But the problem is, if DH gets his own place to be closer to his sons during the week, and his sons' sports and such are on the weekend, she will NEVER see him.
I can't imagine having to be put in that situation and I see it from a couple different angles...
The old saying, you knew you were marrying someone with kids... HOWEVER, HE knew he was marrying someone with a child, correct? Is HE considering what is best for YOU and YOUR SON? Not saying that one takes precedence over the other, but there has to be some give and take.
He’s also insanely jealous of
He’s also insanely jealous of BM’s husband who the boys adore and is very involved in their lives.
Sounds to me like he's bent on competing with the new man in his kids' lives, rather than fulfilling his role as husband to frustrated-mom.
Maybe he just wants to
Maybe he just wants to fulfill both of his roles~husband and father.
You don't stop being a parent when you remarry.
You have to do what you feel
You have to do what you feel is best for you and your child. Your husband has to do that as well.
Just because your ex was able to walking away from your son, doesn't mean your husband to want or be able to make the same choice.
I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to move. I would feel the same if I were in your shoes. However, I could never try to make a man stay with my child and I while walking away from his own children.
How much time did he allow
How much time did he allow after his divorce before beginning a new relationship?
Sounds like he's having regrets.
His ex-wife left him for the
His ex-wife left him for the man she's now married to when SS7 was less than a year old. I have questioned if he is the father of SS7, but he's never done the DNA test.
We started dating about a year later.
OK- so probly not regrets...
OK- so probly not regrets... maybe as the children are getting older, he's seeing ways of being involved that he didn't have before, that are more in his comfort zone, like ball games.
See the post I made below with suggestions of ways he could be more involved.
In all honesty, I do not
In all honesty, I do not think she's saying that she will make him walk away. However, sometimes it might seem like the course of action is making the choice when it really isn't.
I for one, do not believe it's fair to uproot an entire family for one person's wish or convenience. If the roles were switched, I doubt he'd go for it.
And it's also financial issues too. Sorry your DH is such a selfish prick. Do something like change the CO and parenting time but moving is not the answer. If I were you, i'd tell him he's welcome to but I would consider the marriage over. You didn't sign up for a part time husband nor did you sign up to have your home uprooted against your will.
Why is he a selfish prick?? I
Why is he a selfish prick??
I don't suggest uprooting the whole family, either. Just keep doing the drive.
My judgement on him being
My judgement on him being selfish is him seriously suggesting they move--that in itself is selfish and for his gain without thought or consideration to the other people in his life.
I would either continue to do the drive or change the CO to allow more extended time but moving is a no-go for me. He would find himself without a wife if I were in his shoes.
I don't consider his desire
I don't consider his desire to be a more involved father a bad thing either, but his execution stands to be at the expense of someone else who he supposedly loves. This is barring all other history of theirs and I am only dealing with this one issue. The guy's execution sucks, and sometimes yes, moving and distance will mean the end of a marriage, it happens. So in contrast, not moving may save it, but obviously at his own expense of not being able to be involved. So he needs to decide what's more important to him. I cannot say if its good or bad on whichever road he chooses because that is his own circumstance.
I tend to agree. When you
I tend to agree. When you both have young children, it's not fair to place one child's needs above another's.
I have thought about it from
I have thought about it from that end too--but I look at what was established first. If they have all been living there already, and the CO is what it is, then trying to uproot them is selfish.
Although I think the word 'unfair' might fare a little better. I think everyone has a right to have a no-budge point. If someone wants to stay with that person, and that person's no-budge point is not moving, then they either stay within the limit (no matter how unreasonable it might be--of which the onus is on the person who makes that choice) or they can cross it and lose that person. So I don't think it is fair to to say she's 'making' him choose.
If he (by himself) chooses to move and he loses his wife, it's sad, but he has no right to demand everyone moves to accomodate him and his kids. So if he goes by himself, good for his kids to have their dad more involved but I would not blame frustrated-mom for leaving him over it. I would.
No hard feelings from me though, to me it is honestly just a difference in goal.
You'd leave your husband for
You'd leave your husband for a 60-mile move?
That strikes me as a bit extreme, but as you said, different strokes.
Yeah, unfortunately I would
Yeah, unfortunately I would because it's not just about uprooting me and taking making it harder for me to do my job (since she works, I assume she is providing for the family too) but my child is being uprooted from his school. His children, although they don't get to see their father as often as they would all like, are not drastically changing their schedules.
However, it is only if we can't come to a compromise whatsoever on the issue. Likewise if I wanted to stay and my husband would leave me because of it, that's fine too because he has the right to leave if my goals are not in line with his. Sometimes life takes you down different roads and your paths will separate. I would not want to subject him to my resentment nor want him to resent me if we must choose one or the other.
He's not unable to be
He's not unable to be involved. Really. See below.
OK- My kids' dad is a long
OK- My kids' dad is a long distance away, and he is that distance by his own set of rotten choices, and he is severely inadequete at being a long distance dad. BUT, there are things he could do, that if he did consistently, would keep him in the loop and involved:
Maybe your DH could try some of these:
- Skype! If BM doesn't have a computer or internet, it's worth the investment to provide it, or provide one phone that has that capability. Skype allows you to talk and see each other.
- Facebook- used with regularity, keeps people in touch over long distances. This of course, would require some cooperation from BM if kids are too young to have their own account.
- Computer/ online games/ wii over internet... many games have features that you can play and talk with other players as you play. Great bonding... doing something together, so less pressure for conversation, but lots of conversation will occur naturally.
- Regular phone calls
- Letters and cards in the mail- kids love getting mail.
Before extreme actions of commuting that far for ball games, or getting an apartment in their town, or moving your family, or destroying your family, maybe he should ask himself, has he really been doing all he can do in the present circumstances. Maybe he should commit to one or two extra ways of communicating with the kids, and do that regularly for 90 days.... then see if he is more satisfied with their level of attachment.
^^^ This. ^^^^ DH wants to
^^^ This. ^^^^ DH wants to be able to do hands-on type activities. He doesn't like SS9's Little League coach and wants to be able to work on pitching with him. He wants to be the guy helping SS7 with his reading assignments.
The more he hears that's going on without him there, the more guilty he feels. So calling or watching their games on video wouldn't make him feel any better. He wants to be there to help them, coach them and be involved.
Yup! I totally agree with
Yup! I totally agree with this. I think these are all great ideas to be more involved and should definitely be tried before going in the drastic directions of moving.
I think this is genius. There
I think this is genius. There are some great ideas here.
There are a few other things that can be done separately yet together.
-Photo scavenger hunts-share a list and compare what each finds.
-Keeping up with homework/school - check grades/assignments/etc online, or help over skype. Call or email teachers for updates.
If BM is easy-ish to work with:
-Ask if she/step-dad will record games. Digital cameras work, and there are some cheaper versions of digital video recorders. He can watch them/praise them when they talk the next time.
-This is more of a girly thing, but he could also do some screenshots of videos and turn them into a scrapbook/photo collage/etc for them.
-Telephone/video conferencing for P/T conferences.
Great ideas!! I think this
Great ideas!!
I think this man is probably a good guy.... just doesn't have any out of the box ideas, and wants to be involved more than every other weekend....
So, he needs to think out of the box!!
DH does try to call and does
DH does try to call and does keep in touch with teachers (that's another issue). It works a little better now that the boys are older, but they don't talk on the phone much. They'll watch videos online and talk on Skype at the same time but DH wants to be more involved and actually coaching and working with them on sports and activities and projects.
SS7 doesn't do a lot of talking on the phone. Usually he'll just tell DH the plot of the cartoon he was just watching or something irrelevant. He babbles on and on about nothing. It's so annoying.
SS9 wants to get a remote controlled airplane and DH would love to get him one and help him learn to fly it, but it's going to end up being the stepdad that does that probably and that drives DH crazy.
The problem is that my DS is
The problem is that my DS is going to be upset that we moved for DH's kids.
There's already so much conflict and jealousy between them. SD15 loves to rant that DS is more important than her because he got his own bedroom and she was stuck on the sofa when she first came to live with us.
DS gets left at home or at my mom's while we're out at one of SS9's soccer tournaments. That's just going to increase more if we're in the same town.
And if the boys are living with us in a 50/50 custody situation, then DS is going to feel even more left out since he goes from being an only child to the left-out oldest.
There's no winners in this situation. Someone is going to lose and I want to protect my son. My DH getting to coach Little League isn't more important than him.