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Is this what I get to deal with for the rest of my life?!

TBabygrl1's picture

Submitted by TBabygrl1 on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 10:14pm

Ok I am getting married to a man with 2 children from a previous marriage (SS6 and SD5). While this does not bother me what does is BM. She is vindictive, manipulating, rude, selfish, etc. She has done nothing but try her best to keep the children away from their father. Until the new CO he had "reasonable visitation" to which she interpreted as "you only get to see the kids if you kiss my a**, pay me, or when I 'legally' have to." Now we see the kids 1 weekend a month and certain holidays to which she is livid about. I do not know what her problem is.

First, she believes any money my fiance makes after child support is paid is hers. She is constantly asking for more money, complaining about not having enough money (mind you she and her new husband just bought a new car, 3 $2,000 flat screen TVs, and 2 smart phones) to take care of the kids, and trying to get him to break the law so she can have more money.

If that is not enough, the way she disciplines/takes care of the kids is horrible. First, if SS gets in trouble he has to do SD chores which makes SD want to get her brother in trouble. Second, SS was playing with a toy kitchen at a friends house and when my friend came in the room he ran to the corner and start crying saying don't yell at me for playing with a "girls" toy. The SD was crying because at 5 she can't tie her shoes and was afraid to ask for help. In addition, they told our friends they do not play with toys at home. This woman is teaching SD to get her brother in trouble in order to not have to do her chores, mentally damaging SS and SD if they run and hide and cry when they "do something wrong," and depriving the children of toys? What is she doing to these kids?

Even though I know these things about her, I am still trying to create peace with her. I have never talked bad about her in front of the kids. I even asked her to have coffee sometime to talk to which she responded with "I have nothing to say to you."

I don't like seeing kids being mentally damaged, but I don't like the feeling of not being able to help.I want to know, is this what I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life? Is there anything I can do to help the kids when they are with us to help repair some of what she is doing to them?

Comments

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 11:06pm

Don't jump in front of the train. You can't stop the wreck. Trust me. Your fiancé is the only person who has influence, if any. It's his battle to fight, not yours. Just be yourself and treat the kids in kind.

buick86's picture

Submitted by buick86 on Mon, 03/26/2012 - 11:07pm

I agree. The sad part is these are the most moldable stages of their lives. And may God forbid them coming to stay with you permanently in the future after you've been married for a few years because they will be so messed up from the foolishness instilled by her that it will seem almost impossible to help them. Good luck...speaking from current experience.

whoa_nelly's picture

Submitted by whoa_nelly on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 2:38am

Omg our situations sound so similar. I swear the BM I have to deal with a a bipolar redneck whore. We already support her ass in a life style that, thanks to her, we can't afford. We are coming up on being married a year in July and together a year before that......so far it hasn't changed, if anything it has only gotten worse because of the crap so tells the kids (ss10, sd 7). I have often wondered what the hell was I thinking!?!?!

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Submitted by GizmoBarnOwl on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 5:01am

I can totally relate to this!!! My BM is the same, SKIDS are screwed up SD8 SS5 SS is in worse shape than SD because SS unfortunately looks like his dad, so BM punishes him for it. In turn he cries at the slightest thing. He thinks hes going to get beaten if anybody tells him off and both children think that my daughters room is "disgusting" and "a mess" because they are allowed to get toys out! - BD8 always responds to these remarks by saying "well what do you expect? We just messed it up!"

Weve called social services (see my latest blog http://www.steptalk.org/node/63554 ) and nothing has been done. I am not yet married to SO and have been with him for 18months. I am thinking the same thing. Is this my life from now on?? I think the best we can do is follow Doubletakes advice :

"Don't jump in front of the train. You can't stop the wreck. Trust me. Your fiancé is the only person who has influence, if any. It's his battle to fight, not yours. Just be yourself and treat the kids in kind."

...especially the last sentance.

Whateva's picture

Submitted by Whateva on Tue, 03/27/2012 - 9:35am

"First, she believes any money my fiance makes after child support is paid is hers. She is constantly asking for more money, complaining about not having enough money (mind you she and her new husband just bought a new car, 3 $2,000 flat screen TVs, and 2 smart phones) to take care of the kids, and trying to get him to break the law so she can have more money. "

If you don't get an understanding with your soon to be husband and how these types of finances will be handled, then "Yes" this is what you have to look forward to the rest of your life. The child support should be it unless the Father opt to pay for something additional.

Whateva

SashaAV's picture

Submitted by SashaAV on Thu, 05/03/2012 - 5:51am

I think that unfortunately the answer to your question from the title is yes. I mean of course there are positive things in any other situation so maybe you just try to find some in this one?