question for BMs and SMs
For BMs, do you see the SM to your children as a member of their family? Do you value and respect her opinions specifically when it comes to your child?
For SMs do you think you are a member of your skids' family? Do you feel you have a right to be involved in important decisions that affect your skids' life? Even if that opinion is only shared with DH for him to make the final communication efforts with BM.
Another blog got me thinking about this and I would love to hear how you feel and what you think.
- asheeha's blog
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Comments
Seeing as how ExH and his
Seeing as how ExH and his wife aren't really involved in my BS14s life, I say NO. SM is nobody because well, ExH is nobody as well.
YES, I AM a member of my Skids family. 100%. I help my DH provide for these kids. Financially, because if you think about it, WE have to do without a part of his income because it goes to the BM, so I end up covering what he can't.
Emotionally, because I have invested plenty of time teaching these kids manners that they were lacking, cheering them on when they do well, feeling sadness when their BM does something to hurt them.
Physically, because I am the one who cooks their meals and helps with HW and projects, I am the one that disciplines them and gives them chores. So YES, I am an integral part of my Skids lives. No doubt about it.
as a bm, i value that my dd's
as a bm, i value that my dd's smom needs to be included as a part of her DAD'S side of the family. however, i do not value her opinion when it comes to raising my dd (that's up to her husband to incorporate in his decisions)
as a smom, i feel that i should be valued as a part of the family on my dh's side but give my opinion on their upbringing to dh, what he choses to do with that is up to him
i NEVER communicate important items concerning the kids to smom or bm-i'll say hi bye and have casual convo with them but the kids are between bio parents, and that's where i like to keep it.
I should clarify, I do NOT
I should clarify, I do NOT speak or communicate with the BM. Any and all opinions regarding my Skids go thru my DH. But yes, I consider myself to be a part of Skids family from their Dad's side like you mentioned.
My exH gf has only been
My exH gf has only been around for 6mo she doesn't have anything to do with my kids except be rude to them and pick on them (and I tell my kids to address that with their dad and her) since she moved in with him he's fallen behind a ton in cs never asks to see his kids extra (he didn't really before her I always asked him to as they missed him they've since asked me not to so they could see if he would on his own) she started a hate campaign on me and exH family for "making him pay cs and taking HIS tax return" so no she's not only not family to my kids but alienated ex from his own family as well. As for me and my SO's kids they don't feel like family to me, we've only been together going on a year and only been 4 mo that his ex has let him have them eowe I only give imput where it affects my home and my rules and my kids at this point as there's no reason for more on my part his kids do seem to see me as family they ask to talk to me when SO calls them (then BM hangs up on him then calls back screaming that were terrible people for hanging up on her poor kids just cause they wanted to talk to me! She says this in front of the kids she takes it off speaker when she calls back as she has it on when the kids are on the phone) the kids ask to help with chores and even asked if they should call me mom cause they like me better ( I said no they have a mom but they can call me by my name or come up with something else)
Absolutely. SS is my son, he
Absolutely. SS is my son, he is my daughters BROTHER, he is my mom's GRANDSON. He is very much a part of the family.
On the flip side. SS considers us his family as well. At school, if they have to draw a family picture or write something about their family, it always includes me and my daughters.
I discipline him when needed (which is almost never) I reward him when deserved. I tell him to do his chores, his homework (and help him with it). I catch him when he falls and praise him when he is successful. He is my little man.
I don't view my son's SM as
I don't view my son's SM as part of our family. (I bet my son does) I'm sure she shares her opinions with her husband, but she has never voiced them to me. She did not try to play mom. My son loves her and the two of us get along fine.
I do view my SKs as family members. I use son's SM as my example of how to act as a SM. I will give DF my opinion on things but not the BMs. I don't try to step into the mother role with his
kids.
I get along great with one BM and hate the other
As a SM, I believe that my DH
As a SM, I believe that my DH (biodad) should have a say but in the past hasnt had any....BM is a mad lunatic bitch.
I aslo feel that if DH was pondering on a subject that he doesnt know much about...and considering Im also a bio mom to 3, then I feel I should assist him to find the solution.
I sort of feel that the BM should respect what I say bc, Im not mad as a rattlesnake like she is....Im older, Ive had more kids and mine are older, and my kids have grown up without personality problems nor dietry issues and are much more balanced than the skids
As a Bio Mum - the father had zilch to do with my 3 kids and has since married some weirdo so he didnt have to do his own laundry I suspect....either that or she was desperate....she has a daughter of a failed nothing relationship and I really dont know her background nor can comment on her mothering abilities....I dont really want her anywhere near my kids but my 19 YO son is now living with his father and her....I therefore will have no other choice but to accept what she says...unfortunately thus far has been rather negative towards me, as been told by my son....
She doesnt even provide correct food for him....just rubbish stuff thats kept in the freezer....so Im so worried....but he is 19 and there is nothing I can do about it....
this has been incredibly
this has been incredibly interesting for me to read all your replies. i guess i didn't realize how much a person's experience would shape the answer. it definitely helps me understand your perspectives and where you are coming from better!
this might not sit well with some here, but as a stepkid myself, i think of my step mom and dad as a HUGE part of my family. i even honored them in my wedding. had my step dad and bd walk me down the isle. i didn't care much if it bothered my dad even, i felt like the decision my parents made to divorce inevitably allowed 2 more parents in my life and it was right to honor them in an appropriate way, would have been wrong if I would have set them on the sidelines. but my steps have been in my life since i was 3 and so the appropriateness to me was alongside my parents.
as a sm myself, i do feel as though my steps are a part of my family and although i think my skids would benefit from me being actively involved in the decision making it is not something their BM is ok with and so i simply tell my DH and he works the details out with bm. she doesn't usually listen to him either though so she will do what she does and the kids are failing at school...hmmmm...way to go BM!
as i'm not a bio, i have zero perspective on this except my own mom's thoughts and she was grateful that my sm was in my life and that she loved me. i have also heard this from other bm's about the sm in their kid's life, that the sm love's their child and they are grateful to her for that.
i really enjoyed reading your replies and hope to see more!
As a step-kid myself, I used
As a step-kid myself, I used to consider my step mom a part of my family until she started talking smack about me (I'm sure she had her reasons, but since I've always lived 2-7 hours away, was 16 when she came into the family, and never bothered them OR ever asked my father for any money I'm at a loss for what they were/are). Now she's just my father's wife. I will give her some credit though, I learned how to be a good stepmother by NOT doing what she did to me.
When my ex was alive, I didn't consider any of the "girls" he dated to be a part of the family because he went through them like paper. I didn't know at least half of their names and they never stayed around long enough to attempt to make decisions that would affect the child.
Do I think I'm a part of my stepkids family? Absolutely. My SD told me before she went on vacation with my in-laws that she was glad her Dad found me because he'd be a wreck if I hadn't. I joked "Even if that means your stuck with me FOREVER! Hahaha" and she just gave me a big hug and ran off. lol. BM checked out parentally for a good three years when I came on the scene so I got the fun duty of helping these kids make it through the ups and downs of life with their Dad. Now that she's decided she wants to parent again, I'm taking a much needed mental break. I only insert my foot if necessary and my husband is really good about taking care of the day to day insanity.
Of course, if you were to ask BM if I was a part of the family she'd tell you "Oh no, she's just their stepmother. She's nothing, she gets no decision making priveledges."
Which honestly, it's fine. At the end of the day, I'm NOT their Mom. I'm glad they have two parents that are able to make decent and semi-decent judgements as to activites, school performance, boyfriends, whatever. That doesn't mean that I agree with it all, and if it's a serious red flag I bring it to my husband's attention for him to chew over but I never ever would say anything to BM directly. That's DH's job.
I didn't marry that thing!