How does a custodial smom disengage? Need some tips
I am tired of everyone wanting something from me and just expecting presents, new clothes, etc like I owe someone something. My sd10 was busily telling all the other kids tonight that their family is mom, dad, kid 1-5 etc. and no one else. And I think to myself wow you have some fuckin nerve. You asked me to braid your hair, you want me to play with you, you fight the other kids to be the center of attention, you whine about how its not faaaair if someone else gets something from the store and you dont. You want all the perks of having a mom at your dads house without having to acknowledge me as anything but the live in lady provider. I recently enacted marshall law and SO is now in charge of EVERYTHING while hes here but hes gone 13 hours a day when he works so that leaves me primarily caring for them. So what do I do? Deny all requests or what? I get the concept. I read the essay, but I dont get how to enact it when im asked "can you tuck me in, or can you read me a story" and im the only one there. Or discipline. Do I let them do whatever or what?
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So if no one but me is home
So if no one but me is home and im politely asked to tuck in for bed I just say no? No explanation?
Aww really? My family always
Aww really? My family always came in to say goodnight, shit until I was like 16 lol. It was always our time to reconnect real quick before the day ended. I dont cover her up or anything. I give her a peck on the forhead, tell her goodnight and shut the light off. Is she too old for that? I guess thats how I was raised and SO does the same for all but sd 15.
You don't have to explain
You don't have to explain anything. Do what feels right for YOU, not a 10 y/o. I didn't tuck my DD in at that age and she's fine.
EXACTLY. You may want to add
EXACTLY. You may want to add "since, as you pointed out, I am NOT your family, I do not have to do any of the things a member of your family would. My only responsibility is to make sure you are fed and safe. Do not ask for or expect anything else from me." At 10 they are old enough for that conversation, and I think it is important that they know WHY you are disengaging from them.
Also what about the 3 year
Also what about the 3 year old ss? Lately hes been telling me I want dad not you and other such behaviors. Obviously I cant not feed him or care for him if he is home with me during the day and dad isnt. Or when they/he asks me can I have a banana or can I play with xyz. Do I just say no to everything or what? That sounds sort of counter intuitive. Or do I say youll have to ask your dad
You'll have to ask your dad,
You'll have to ask your dad, is best. Have them call him as much as you can. I honestly font know how to tell you to disengage. It seems impossible in your situation... Can they go to daycare, family member, ect? I mean raising these kids is not your job at all. What would your DH do if you were not there?? Maybe you should just start having the kids care for themselves as much SS possible, have them call DH and ask him questions when he can and just do the bare minimal. Feed them, bath SS, make sure they are save, ect. Start having SD get her own clothes, get dressed, brush her hair, get her own snacks, entertain herself, do homework with dad, ect. If she asks for you to buy her something, go somewhere, ect she can wait until dad is home. Only disapline when its serious/life threatening. Teach SS (if he doesn't already know) how to get himself dressed, bath himself, get his own snacks, entertain himself, clean up after himself. The goal isn't to be mean or make you feel like u r doing something you're not comfortable with. The goal is to have the kids be as independent as possible when dad isn't around, to have dad take care of his kids as much as possible when he is away and to give him FULL responsibility of his children when he is there. To detach yourself mentally, physically, responsibly, ect as MUCH as possible so you no longer have the strain/ stress of raising your DHs ungrateful, spoiled, mean (or whatever they are.. lol) kids. Even if it is not full blown disengaging, even a little will do you wonders. - I'm typing this from my phone so please excuse any errors and the one huge paragraph.
Thanks, do I have to do it
Thanks, do I have to do it for all of them? I dont have issues with all of them. One in particular is very respectful and is happily accepting of me. I cant see punishing her for the bullcrap the others enact due to their mother.
This has been extremely
This has been extremely helpful. Thanks! Dh is upset when I am disrespected however hes usually not there to hear it or see it so he cant do anything about it. This will be an ugly learning curve for everyone
I treat the kids like they
I treat the kids like they treat me. SD (8 at the time) once said that she didn't have to listen to me because I'm not her mom. Next time she wanted something I responded with, "Nah, I don't need to do that for you because I'm not your mom. Next stop at the convenience store...nope, I don't need to buy that for you because I'm not your mom.". She got the message pretty quickly with no issues since.
sd19 was like that when she
sd19 was like that when she lived here, too. wanted all the benefits of having me as a "mom", but didn't want the not so great things about it, like minding me and respecting me. she never listened to me, not only did she not respect me but she blatantly DISrespected me daily, yet she had the nerve to lay a guilt trip on me about how she needs a dad AND a mom. meaning me. sorry. you have a mom, and i'm not her. i told her i will not be a part time parent to her, meaning all the fun stuff and none of the unpleasantries. i told her if she wants me to be a mom to her, she takes the bad with the good. however bad being expected to go to school and pick up after yourself can really be. needless to say, i've never been her "mom".