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Second guessing my advice to DH... help...

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:28am

Before responding, PLEASE consider that YEARS of court battles and a LOT of money has already gone into this situation and to no avail and we are trying to make the best of a bad situation...

ss15 called last night and says he wants to move in with us. Long story short, he lives with his Grandparents, down the street from his bipolar mother, in another state. I am getting tired of how irrational and out of control this whole situation is. ss15 will often avoid DH completely for weeks and then out of the blue he will want to move in with us. Then out of the blue, after DH has made considerable effort to start the legal process, he will avoid DH altogether again because he's getting along with BM again. There's a definite pattern to BM's behavior also. She will periodically insist she doesn't want ss15, DH tries to get him and then she changes her story completely and we are back to square one again.

DH has called his attorney about getting custody and was asked "How much do you want to spend?" His attorney is very familiar with the case and he's a reputable attorney. He is asking for 10k up front, saying it will probably cost that and more and in the end ss15 (who is almost 16) can still change his mind and end up back with BM.

I told DH last night that BM and ss15's grandparents are playing games, it's been going on for far too long and it's getting ridiculous. There's constant drama and they are constantly dragging DH into it. I don't see that it's healthy for ss15 in any way and every few months it makes a complete circus out of our lives. I told DH that when ss15 says he wants to move in with us, instead of DH running to his attorney every time he should tell ss15 to have his Grandparents/BM draw up the court papers, sign them and DH will sign them and take him. DH feels guilty. He feels he should go to the attorney and fight for his son. I feel it's more complicated than that. I feel that teenagers can be moody and change their minds too much and that BM enjoys putting DH through this constant drama. I strongly feel boundaries need to be drawn and the ridiculous circus act BM and the grandparents play with everyone's lives needs to be stopped.

I could really use some advice - especially if this is something anybody else has been through before. I have been pretty adament with DH that this has got to stop and we have got to find a better way to handle things. I don't want to be giving the wrong advice and regret that later.

Comments

Agged and Fragged's picture

Submitted by Agged and Fragged on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:36am

Past actions are the biggest indicator of future behavior. If SS has flip-flopped more than once, he probably will again. Can you and DH afford to throw $10,000 down the toilet on a project that has, at least, a 50% chance of failure?

Your idea is quite reasonable, let the BM start the process and get the paperwork together, period. You need to point out, maybe repeatedly, to DH that he needs to get over the guilt and to not think that the best solution is running to the kids rescue, which clearly the kid probably doesn't want to fully commit to.

Oh, and one piece of food for thought, so to speak. If a person hangs around someone who is bipolar long enough, they can start -- if not taking on bipolar traits themselves -- thinking bipolar thought processes are "normal." This could be particularly true of a child living with/who grew up with a bipolar parent.

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:51am

Thank you ripley for not ripping us up as horrible people who aren't protecting ss15...

I told DH he needs to stop letting everybody put him on the spot and drag them into this mess and DH should put it all back on them at this point. If ss15 really wants to live with DH, and it's not just another game because he's mad at BM, he can pressure BM and his grandparents about it in my opinion.

I agree that he could start acting like BM if nobody sets any boundaries with him. I told DH that the more he demonstrates to ss15 how healthy boundaries are set, the better it is for ss15.

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 8:57am

Thanks StepAside. It helps to hear that about the 10K and how your house got turned upside down. I can see that ss15 is trying to do that with us and I feel we have to set clear boundaries to keep that from happening.

The grandparents have not wanted to talk to DH because they've always resented that he tried to get custody of ss15. However, I do agree that they are under a great deal of pressure by taking care of a teenager and their bipolar daughter. Eventually they may be willing to talk with DH.

To me it just makes sense for them to initiate the custody and for DH to steer absolutely clear of their drama. I don't know what else to call it, their lives are an absolute circus and I refuse to allow them to turn our lives into a circus as well.

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 9:00am

Redfizz- thanks for your insight. I did tell DH that I believe there's some manipulation going on by ss15 and DH needs to be aware of it and put a stop to it. DH didn't like hearing it and I hate always being the bad guy but I'll keep saying it... DH feels so guilty all the time and I told him we can't live in fear all the time. ss15 is a kid, we are the adults...

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 9:25am

I definitely appreciate the feedback. DH is very frustrated with me right now because I'm so adamant about this but the situation has got to get under control. He is listening to me but he feels a lot of guilt. DH thinks when ss15 turns 18 all this will be over and I say no it won't. I keep telling DH that it ends when DH decides it ends - when DH refuses to be dragged into the nonsense anymore and sets very clear boundaries with everyone, especially ss15.

I will encourage DH to open up the lines of communication with the grandparents. I'm not sure how that will go, it has been such a horrible relationship for so many years. I hope they would respond positively to DH being supportive and not try to take advantage of the opportunity to use him as leverage which ss15 might be trying to do. I think eventually they will have no choice but to be honest and communicate with DH because they're in over their heads. BM's behavior is getting worse and they aren't getting any younger.

I made an appointment to go to the counselor tomorrow to discuss all this - before ss15's spring break and summer visits. ss15 could seriously crank up the tension in our house if DH doesn't realize what's going on and we don't set boundaries with him.
Sad

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 9:26am

I have been where you are, but on the opposite side. BM and DH divorced when SD was 2 and had 50/50 custody. From that time on, BM told her that at the magic age of 15 SD would be allowed to decide where she lived (inferring she would then naturally choose to live with BM full time). But when SD was 11 BM moved an hour away and left her with us, and we had primary custody from ages 11 to 15 when, magically, BM filed for custody and CS (nobody ever paid CS before). SD of course decided she wanted to live with BM (the grass is always greener) and BM got CS and custody. The judge told us that, at her age, they would give considerable weight to SD's preference as to where to live.

I tell you all this because I think it ultimately resides with SS to decide in this case. Does he want to get out from under BM's bipolar behavior? And will it be a permanent thing or just a flip back and forth looking for a "better" situation? I would NOT throw a lot of money at this, as we threw a ton of money at fighting BM for SD and just ended up without that money as well as all the CS we then had to pay. Just a big waste of time, effort and heartache. I'm sure it made DH feel better as he can tell SD he "fought for her," but the end result was the same and there were a lot of other, better things we could have used that money for.

lily11's picture

Submitted by lily11 on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 10:25am

Amazing. It amazes and saddens me how much money and time is wasted because of the games people play. Not to mention the destruction it causes.

I told DH last night I feel desperate because the situation is so out of control and I can't take it anymore. DH doesn't understand why I resent so much that BM and ss15 can have so much of an effect on my life. Why should they be allowed to bring chaos into my life? If DH wants to allow that, why do I have to as well? I won't.

I told DH that I refuse to spend one more summer with ss15 creating constant tension and having too much power in our house. I will move out for the summer if that happens again because I refuse to live like this. And I refuse to stand by and watch DH get constantly dragged into drama and madness. He was pretty much speechless.

I've become a raving lunatic and I don't care. Somebody has got to make this stop. Both this website and the book "Stepmonster" have literally created a monster by the way Smile In a good way.