BM leaves kids for new boyfriend...I pick up the pieces.
BM of SD6 and SD10 decided that she wanted to move out of state to be with her boyfriend. (The same guy she cheated on BD with when they were still married) For the past nearly TWO years, I have been the mom to these two girls who were 5 and 8 at the time she left. I have since implemented RULES and demonstrated consistency and have expetations of them such as simple household chores. (make bed, scoop cat litter, set table)
The girls now see BM about 4 times a year and when they do, they tell her how rough they have it and she has the nerve to question how we parent them! I wouldn't DREAM of questioning her time with them or her choice of disciplinary actions (if any) when they are with her. The 10 yr old has become very good at manipulating BM and her teacher in thinking that she has a very difficult life, when in fact its quite the opposite. Their father and I aren't even married and after FOUR years together, he just proposed this past weekend. I have always been there for these girls but I am SO tired of being the bad guy and hearing from them how they have the greatest mom in the world. (BM)
People say that they will recognize all that I have done for them SOMEDAY, when they are adults, but in the meantime, I get the glares and the attitude and she gets all the praise. Its pretty easy to be nice to your kids when you only see them every 3 months!
Somedays, I just want to say F-it...no rules! Its a free for all...just like it was when their mom had custody, but I'm seriously afraid that will make me more miserable!
I have gone out of my way to open my home to BM, lend her my car when she's in town and even invite her to dinner so the girls can have both parents together at times. I'm tired of her questioning me because of things they tell her!!!
Anyone else understand? Thanks for reading.
- stepmomoftwo3's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Stop answering her questions
Stop answering her questions and defending yourself to her. She only sees them 4 times a year and she is NOT parenting them. You owe this woman absolutely nothing. Keep up the good work
I know you are right,
I know you are right, however, it's difficult to not care what she thinks of me when I am so desperate to prove myself. I get frustrated when the girls only report back to BM part of the story. They want sympathy and attention and I feel forced to clarify. I actually feel like the third child and they got me in trouble. I can't believe I'm even saying that, but that's what it feels like. She is an acomplished executive chef and everyone that knows her thinks she's incredibly sweet and wonderful. I can't figure out how it's possible people still think so highly of her when she chose to abandon her children. Since she left, she has furthered her education to become a personal nutrionist and give others advice. Meanwhile, I'm a stay at home mom raising HER kids. Perhaps that's why I'm on this site. I've been looking for acknowledgement in the wrong place. Thanks for your advice.
WOW. Thank you. I do know
WOW. Thank you. I do know that this situation is hard for them also. It's just SO hard to hear them talk about how great she is when I'm the one doing all the tough stuff. I do need to not let my anger get the best of me. Thank you for your help!
^^^^^ THIS. I have actually
^^^^^ THIS. I have actually said something similar to SD in the past and she was like "WHAT??." Then I disengaged for about 2 weeks to let her see all the crap I CHOOSE to do for her, and what life would be like without it. Which way do you think she preferred?
Your BM and.ours.might be
Your BM and.ours.might be related. You are.not Alone!!!! Our BM.has been.living with her "perfect new.family" of herself,her man and her 2 younger kids 3 and.4. Her older 2 -my stepsons 9 and 14. She left.when SS9 was a baby. She pops in and out of their life when.its conveinant. Its really pathetic and messed up. My stepsons also put her on a pedastal and.worship this woman who has choosen to.move out of state several times and hasn't.seen.them in in 18months.!!! I've been told.that they will appreciate everything I've done when they're older.... whatever!!!!! I don't even care now. I've been doing her jibs for 4 years,well almost 3 years. I started to disengage when I was pregnant. You're not alone - there needs.to be a group for step-moms who basically are.the mom b/c skids.live with then and.BM is.absent. I also am not.married but have lived with my SO for.4 years. Its very hard but it really.depends.on your and.your.SO.relationship. good luck!
You're right, and my SO is
You're right, and my SO is AWESOME. He is very supportive and tells me that it doesn't matter what she thinks. I think my battle is more with the girls who make me feel like I'm the evil one and they wish she was here. I SO badly want to remind them that she CHOSE to leave. I know I can't say that and I have to be REALLY careful what I DO say but this is REALLY hard!
You're not alone. We took in
You're not alone. We took in SD13 and her two siblings (not DHs biokids) 2 years ago when BM decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore. Same deal, we parented hard, provided them with everything they needed (and didn't have with BM, not even basics like food and freakin running water).
And in the beginning, it wasn't good enough. SD12 even stated that she would rather go live in a car with her mom since she was evicted. The SDs complained to anyone who would listen, including a guidance counselor who called DSS. The social worker came out, listened to the backstory, and to our punishment in response to them not cleaning their rooms, then she told the kids that they had better straighten up, they had it good here. SS17 pulled the "you're not my mom card" exactly once and got a thorough thrashing from DH.
Then BM came to our state for 2 weeks near XMas, brought her POS bf, no gifts and saw the kids 3 times after 6 months of not seeing them. SS17 saw through the crap then and started calling me mom Xmas day. It took SD13 a little while longer to get it but when the twins were born, she grew up overnight, our relationship improved and see too, saw through the crap.
Not so much luck with SD12. She had this perfect image of BM in her mind and no amount of reality could taint it. Even her own success didn't bring her moms failure to light. She consistently made the honor roll. We heaped praise on her. And. It. Wasn't. Enough. She got a wild hair up her ass and started acting out violently. We sent her back after she pulled a knife stolen from the gun cabinet she learned the combo from on the babysitter. BM said "well, now you've got yours and I've got mine, so we're good now". They're all yours, stupid! And SS17 isn't even DHs! We feel sorry for SD12. She didn't know how good she had it. She's probably going to end up molested by BMs skeezy new boyfriend.
Not to be all "poor, poor skids", but I imagine it has to be hard knowing that their BM doesn't want them. Especially at a young age, they may not even believe that and see stepmom as an obstacle in their vision of a perfect, happy family. Don't give up, hopefully they'll appreciate your efforts when they grow up to be successful, productive members of society. I hated being a stepmom in the beginning, resented the skids for messing up my life and hated BM for being so immature and dumping her responsibilities on me. I'm 24, raising a 13 and 17 year old and doing a helluva better job than she did. But now that SD12 is gone, there's a happy balance in our home and I'm grateful for my skids. I went out of town this weekend and left the skids and my 8 month old twins with MIL and SD13 took care of them the whole time, even putting them to bed in her room instead of with MIL. I didn't always, but I love that girl.
Sorry for such a long post, but I hope you can find inspiration in my story and I wish you the best with your skids.