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I feel horrible and stuck

mndblwn's picture

Submitted by mndblwn on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:08am

I love DH with everything and we are having our first baby together in August. I love knowing that soon I will have a kid of my own because hopefully that will take me away from my nasty stepson as much as possible. It's not really that he is necessarily nasty. He is seven and spoiled ROTTEN by his BM. Last night I heard him tell her that he only got 3 things from us for his birthday. Then he says that getting more would have been better. This child gets a toy EVERY weekend (which is three a month) from her when he goes to see her. His room at our house is filled with toys and things that he rarely plays with. Is this something all kids do or is he just one little shit? It bugs me so much because my DH and I were never raised like that. This child never cleans his room without being told and leaves his toys all over the house like he owns the place. DH does tell him to pick it up but I don't think it should be an everyday thing.
Stepson interrupts conversations between DH and whoever he is talking to. This child is so rude it's unbelieveable. He truly knows better too but I think he is so high on a pedistool at BM's house that he doesn't know how to get down when he comes back to our house. I truly don't want to hear or be around this kid. I stay in our room watching TV and rarely come out because just the sight of this kid makes me angry. Him and his mother are so alike and she only has truly been in his life not even a year yet (May will be a year).
I know DH feels stuck in the middle because he loves his son and has been the true provider his whole life. He loves me and our new baby and wants to be around me but doesn't want to not include his son. It's great when the kid does go with mom because it's like so much tension is released at our house. BM only wants child to control DH and break us apart. If she were to ever have full custody it's because DH has to pay child support not because she wants to really be a mom. I know my stepson doesn't want to live with us because we make him do things responsible like clean his room, help with groceries, fill the trash back up with a clean bag and other chores plus he has to get up early for school and do homework. It's cakes and pies with mom with no responsibilities because she probably wipes his ass for him.

My feelings are like a tornado. I never want DH to have to choose between his kid and me. I need to know since I've never had one yet is this normal for 7 yr olds to act like or has BM completely brainwashed the kid and it's only going to get worse???

Comments

stepmom_no_more's picture

Submitted by stepmom_no_more on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:54am

What you're describing sounds like normal kid behavior. My DD 10 is present-greedy STILL just like your SS. And the interrupting, we get that from her and DS 4, along with the daily reminders to clean their rooms. BUT, with that said, it's normal kid behavior but those are NOT behaviors I just let slide! DH and I both work to correct these behaviors because, simply, they are rude and therefore not allowed in our home!
It's also very likely that BM is encouraging these behaviors in your SS. Why was she out of SS's life for all those years? Our BM also actively encouraged my SS to destroy our home and/or our relationship in any manner he could. Thankfully I don't have to deal with him anymore. (See my blog and/or bio for why not!)
(((HUGS))) to you mndblwn

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:07am

I totally understand how you feel...

Honestly, what has been working for me over the years, is 1)insulating myself from it all, 2)making sure DH is 100% dealing with the issues by first communicating to skid that rules differ at our house vs. BM house, so learn it and live it...3)not worrying about BM and what she does or doesn't do (If #2 is done really well, then #3 becomes a non issue, IMO).

SD used to do a lot of what you're talking about early on. She's 8 now, but for a long time she acted like she couldn't do anything by herself...ANYTHING. DH is not the coddling type, so her trying to be babied went over like a lead balloon, so to rebel, she'd start talking about what "mommy did" and how she "liked mommy's house better" and DH pretty much told her to can it...In short, DH had to take authority and assert said authority. It's taken time, but it has worked for us.

One of my biggest fears when I got pregnant with DS was that SD's bad behavior would influence him, AND she'd do something to harm him. I was a crazy lady with making sure DH understood my fears EVEN IF HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, THOUGHT I WAS OVERREACTING AND/OR DIDN'T AGREE...I didn't care. We had the conversation often and I started pointing out concerns that I had and say, "And THAT'S what I'm worried about..." And that was it...I didn't need to go into much else because, frankly...He knew what I was talking about...

Also, I'd get over being worried about DH being stuck in the middle. Or rather I'd change my perspective on it. He's not stuck. It's HIS life. He has to live it and navigate it just like you have to live and navigate yours. I think that as women, we're always trying to fix everything and make everybody's life great, and we don't see that a lot of times, that's not our place or responsibility. Your DH's reality is that he's got a son that isn't the son of the woman he's married to, and there are challenges that go along with making that dynamic work. It's not perfect, and there isn't a perfect situation, but there are things that he can do manage it.

Dannee's picture

Submitted by Dannee on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 12:35pm

EXCUSE ME!!!!

Normal for a BRAT!!!

My daughter is 7 and has manners...not all the time..

Sounds to me that BM

is an OVER INDULGENT mother...

We have a BM like that too..

If my skids or my DD said something about only getting 3 presents..
my kids would be kindly talked to...

My DD knows that there are people out in this world that have far greater less..

She knows that because she is told that..

I would not be hiding in my room while SS is there..
What are you going to stay there until your unborn child goes off to college???

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Submitted by Anonymous_stepmom on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 1:48pm

My oldest daughter who is 11 now has a mild form of Autism. I've never raised my kids to be greedy but honestly they are spoiled! I have this uncontrollable urge to try and give them everything they want even if it means putting myself in more debt. I really need to stop that!

Anyways when she was 8 I believe we were opening gifts on Christmas, after everything was open she blurted out "Is that it?!" I was mortified. I sat her down and talked to her about how unacceptable behavior like that was, she has never done it since and is much more understanding towards money situations.

It does sound pretty much like normal kid behavior though, hopefully he grows up some soon.

New Mama's picture

Submitted by New Mama on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 2:00pm

My situation is almost identical, except, DH and I are on our 2nd child (due June) and instead of BM wreaking havoc it DH's mother.

When SS7 came to live with us he had no manners, had never done a chore in his life, complained that we never bought him enough gifts, and was generally dissatisfied with everything we ever did for him and made it known. He was a brat.

After years of nagging, SS7 is mostly well mannered now. I blame his grandparents (BM in your case) for his bad manners because they let him eat and behave like a pig. It'll take time but you can break those habits.

As for being a spoiled brat - A couple years ago SS7 had been so ungratful and complained about everything he did/didn't have, I made him box up all of his toys and took him down to donate them. I cleared this with DH beforehand. I was actually making room for his new Christmas toys but he didn't know that. I told him that he didn't appreciate anything he has so now he won't have any thing. He still acts like a spoiled brat and sulks on Christmas/Birthdays but at least he doesn't complain out loud anymore.

thefunmommy's picture

Submitted by thefunmommy on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 5:26pm

This Christmas (we're thinking about doing it for their birthdays too) we took the kids shopping and told them to pick out one thing they liked. We then donated those toys, and explained to them that there are kids that get NOTHING for Christmas or birthdays, or ever. We will also be having them choose one toy that they have now to give away. We want to teach them that they are very lucky to get what they do, and that not every kid is as lucky (it also cuts down on the amount of crap we have in the house). When they get older (SD is 5, SS is 7) I want to take them to serve lunch at the local soup kitchen. We want them to see that there are people who don't have homes or food, much less toys, video games and other extras. Hopefully it'll sink in. It seemed to get through a little bit to SD, but SS is autistic, so he was just kind of upset by loss of a toy. We also have chore charts (on top of regular toys) so that they can learn to EARN the things they want. Each extra chore gets a certain $ amount, so they learn that they need to work if they want extras. Sometimes they have to earn BACK toys that get taken away when they don't listen or do what they're supposed to. So far it's worked ok, but they're still young yet, so we'll see what happens in the next few years