Feeling so guilty.
So a little background as this is my first post. I am a stay at home stepmom of 4. I have no biokids right now and have no plans to very soon. I also have no natural instincts to be affectionate or extremely patient towards my stepkids. Im a custodial stepmom. Kids visit BM 4 days a month and any school holidays. Our court order has complete control for SO. He calls all shots for visitation, timing, medical, school, you name it. Unfortunately SO works management salaried 11-12 hours a day. SO provides us with a great lifestyle and everything we could want or need despite BM never paying CS and clear intentions she never will. Felony theft in her background guarantees she will not be able to get a job easily and she lives off her drug addict boyfriend in a half finished house as a meal ticket. We call this the vagina currency. Despite her numerous failings as a parent we have all finally after 3 ugly years, been able to have a calm painless period with everyone behaving civily. My steps love me or at least like me very much. I am extremely close with sd15 who considers me another mom and who very rarely visits her mother by her own choice. No influence on our end either - itd be great to have a break! Sd10 has been rocky but she has become extremely attached to me lately. Sd5 I cant relate to and I try hard but have an affectionate at arms length relationship with her though she clearly wants more. She is very sensitive and SO, myself and all the other kids arent mde that way. SS3 is soooooooooooo difficult. He is so so much like me its like that saying your mother always said someday youd have a child just like you. He is stubborn and willfull and intelligent to his own detriment. We also spend 700000 hours a week together. When he goes to BMs he asks if I can go with him. Not SO. Me. Because we are conjoined twins at home together. I work for my best friends daycare part time which gives me a little relief from constant contact with him. Basically between SO's work sched and BMs lack of parenting abilities I have become the stay at home stepmom almost 24/7. When So os here he is excellent. He lets me run the house and the show my way and enforces ally rules. I have the stepmom dream setup i'll admit. He makes time for me and our relationship and takes over all parenting duties when he is home. Heres my issue. I love all these kids. They are basically my own, but I am not a touchy feely person and sometimes my temper is too short. I wonder if I would act that way or feel that way with bios if I had them and part of me feels no. sometimes things they do that arent big deals set me off. Sometimes I feel like im stricter than I should be. Like maybe im too hard on them. All this males me feel guilty. For all intensive purposes for everyday life I am the only parent they have and I am reliable and consistent but I cant get over the fact that im not a cuddler, a hugger and I sometimes get mad about really stupid kid shit. I feel like im not the best parent they could have. I want to smile more and not have everything be so agenda oriented but I feel like there just isnt time to have fun anymore. Sigh. P.S. Forgive spelling errors, I did this on my smartphone. Not so smart sometimes
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As a mother of four I will
As a mother of four I will tell you that all parents, step or not, have those same doubts, "Am I too stict?" "Was I not strict enough?" You may have had some unrealistic expectations when you started this journey because until you have kids of your own or at least work with them, you really don't know them. But I'm sure by now, especially with having the younger ones, you've figured things out.
By the way, when I first became a parent I wasn't touchy feely either. I had to remind myself to caress their cheek, stroke their hair...just do it and sooner or later it will become natural.
Thanks for that, I've felt
Thanks for that, I've felt guilty for a long time about the fact I have to force myself to be physically affectionate with my skids. Im not even that way with my mother or bros and sisters! My mother said she was the same with me as a child. But I guess thinking about it now, I never felt unloved even if I can't remember many hugs. Thanks to all for the words of encouragement. Its hard not having biokids just as a way to help compare and sort of push some natural maternal instinct.
Like the others have said,
Like the others have said, everyone has those doubts. Bio mom/step mom...it happens. I will say that if you had bio kids, you'd probably feel differently toward them than you your steps. The bond between a bio-mom and her kids is unlike any other, IMO.
That being said, I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. You are being there for those kids, and it sounds like they really need someone like you. It's not a big deal if you aren't too touchy feely. I've known my stepkids for over 6 years, and I think the number of times I've touched either of them could be counted on one hand. It sounds like you are doing a great job, so try not to be too hard on yourself.
Welcome to parenting! STep
Welcome to parenting! STep or Bio, it makes little difference.
I am the fulltime Dad to my kid (SS-19) and have been since his mom and I married when he was 1yo. I was not the SAH parent but I am his full time dad. His DipShit SpermIdiot is a waste of skin.
I get your feelings and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Parents go through phases where we may love our kids to no end but do not like them very much or have periods where we can barely tolerate being near them much less touching them ..... and we are an affectionate family.
My own parents, younger brothers and I were huggers and my parents had these same feelings for my younger two brothers and at times. Hang in there MOM! You will learn to enjoy a kid hug and will relish in the family experience. Especially in a decade or two when you are all sitting around together telling "remember when" stories.
Give some affectionate actions a try. Start with a pat on the back or a lazy back scratch while you are sitting around watching TV, a squeeze on the shoulder when one of the kids walks by, holding a hand when you are walking to check the mail or even just a wave and a smile. You have the feelings of love and take the actions of love by supporting, caring for, feeding, parenting, etc...
Any time is a good time to collect the rewards of love and nothing is better or more rewarding than a big bear hug from your kid(s).
These kids are very lucky to have you.
Hang in there.
Just a guys opinion of course.
Maybe you could practice
Maybe you could practice hugging despite how you feel. My own BM was pretty distant, I wish she had been a hugger! You may not feel comfortable with being affectionate with the older kids but the younger kids would probably benefit if you tried. It's good that you care enough to think about these things. Good luck!
I am not touchy feely either,
I am not touchy feely either, it is a chore for me, but one that I must remember to do because I know that children need affection. (I also am a full time step mom to SD6 SS4, their mom lives across the country)I believe in being very, very strict. I think that kids need boundaries. I just try to think about being fair and their level of understanding, and if it crosses over the line of not being fair, then it is too strict and I need to scale it back. I am strict, but my skids also love me, so I think that I am doing something right lol. I wouldnt feel guilty if i were you, I think you are doing a great job, I couldnt be a stay at home step mom no thank you! I love my job lol.