Hi. I'm new to the site, and I want to say thanks so much to everyone who is sharing their stories and advice. I'm hoping I'm not alone in the situation I'm dealing with.
My boyfriend of over 2 years and his ex split up 3 years ago. She initially created a web of lies that kept my boyfriend from his children (at the time 6 and 9). All of which have been shown to be lies... her affair boyfriend (which she still claims she didn't have) even came up to testify for my boyfriend to dispel the lies. After a very long and expensive fight, my boyfriend was awarded 50% custody, in large part to the psychologist's recommendation about the mom's behavior.
In the time the BM had the kids alone, she filled their heads with horrible things. She had always been, from what i understand, very mean to my boyfriend... demeaning, calling names, etc. Solely for his kids he stayed in a very unhappy, sleeping on the couch for 4 years marriage. But the kids love their mom, of course. And she created an environemnt where loving dad means hurting mom.
We've come a very long way in the past 1+year (since I met them which was about a year after my boyfriend and i got together). We built a home together and have tried to establish a good routine for the SDs. I genuinely think the SDs like coming to our house, but they are still obviously being manipulated by the BM. The older one still texts or emails BM about everything we are doing or not doing... if dad is sleeping, what they ate, who picked them up, etc. I was getting along well with the younger one, who took less of the brunt of manipulation at first, but now it has regressed into a mixed bag of never sure what we're getting. We both think the BM saw the SD and I getting along, and didn't like it.
Here's what I think is the kicker... the BM has never met me. She obviously knows my name, and i'm sure a lot of particulars, but has never bothered to speak to me. How does she not want to know the person who is with her kids half the time? We thought when BM got a boyfriend a year + ago that it would really help. It did for a while. We also make sure we tell the girls to say hi to her boyfriend any time they are in his custody and we are all in the same place, but she pushes them (literally sometimes) away from both me and my boyfriend when they are in her custody and we are in the same place.
But that's not my biggest issue right now... I'm having trouble with the overall lack of discipline the kids have (which apparently was not case pre-sep), how they are disrespectful to their dad and how they (particularly the one right now) go out of their way to hurt my feelings. It's causing obvious strain on my relationship with my boyfriend because he says he can tell i'm miserable most of the time when they are here. Honestly, I don't feel miserable most of the time, but I do feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop at all times. And I'm not yet used to or willing to get used to being hurt by words and actions. He says that he knows they are hurtful, but that he doesn't have a choice as their dad but to deal with it... implying I do have a choice.
I don't have a choice in my mind. I made a commitment to him and to these kids, and i refuse to give up. I love them all too much. I just need to figure out a way to not let it stress me or upset me so much.
Things like never picking up after themselves, calling him names, saying "no" to everything... they just build up. And now the "i hate it here", "i like mom's better", etc. But, then they switch to liking us. The problem too is that the BM clearly put in the kids heads that their dad is not capable of raising them... so in a weird way, i think they think I see that i try really hard.
I think they know truly in their hearts that their dad so loves them and is the best parent of all of us, but they just don't know how to reconcile this with their love for their mom.
I've read in other blogs about the money thing too... we have gotten comments from the kids about how "dad doesn't give mom any money" and obvious comments from BM that if we buy them something it doesn't mean we love them, so the kids always feel so guilty about everything. He has given her a lot of money per month the whole time... and we pay for everything the kids do activity-wise, medical, school, etc.

I think I've switched from blogging to rambling... i welcome any advice anyone has on how to suck it up maybe better and not get sad or upset...?