My Saturday night from HELL
DH yelled at me in front of SS10 and his friend. He said I should stop riding SS10. It was humiliating almost like being punched in the stomach.
This is the first time this has happened – DH and I been together for 7 years.
Then SS10 laughed at me. I know you all know that.look.and.laugh. The one where the skid is basically sending the message that “he won.”
DH told SS10 to shut-up that it wasn’t funny and he shouldn’t make fun of me. Which seems like a reasonable response, but to me in that moment, it felt like another verbal punch-in-the-stomach.
It felt like DH was putting me on the same level as SS10 and like DH was somehow superior to me, the judge and jury.
I retreated to the laundry room (and cried). I came back after folding laundry and DH snapped at me for crying – he saw my red eyes.
So I took refuge in our bedroom (and cried some more), while DH took SS10’s friend home.
When DH and SS10 got back I took the dog for a walk, it was late and cold and windy but it felt better than being at home. I just didn’t want to face DH, SS10 or SS14.
We went to bed. He stayed on his side of the bed, I stayed on mine.
DH got up with the dog Sunday morning. He made breakfast for ssons. I waited till the boys were done eating before I got up.
DH offered to make me breakfast, I declined. We ran errands and I said nothing to DH or the boys. Got home and were putting groceries away…
DH apologized, said he was sorry and that it would never happen again. DH said that he should have talked to me when the boys weren’t around. That he couldn’t understand why I was upset but after he thought about it realized what he had done. I accepted his apology.
Then came the BUT. But DH felt I was being harsh to SS10 and that if I wanted SS10 to treat me better I needed to treat SS10 better.
SS10 is the baby of the family. He isn’t expected to help out and is a big mouth. I am the only one who calls out SS10 on his language and behavior. It just so happened that Saturday SS10 was in rare form. I called him out about not helping SS14 out with chores, about not making his bed, and the way he spoke to me when I asked him a question (SS10 was extremely whiny and defensive). I guess all this had DH feeling I was riding SS10.
I just left it alone. Why bother defending myself.
DH’s “BUT” makes the apology seem insincere. 
~BettyRay
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Comments
I read some of your bloggs
I read some of your bloggs and your DH seems like a jerk all the way around. If I was you, I would disengage ASAP. Let DH worry about clothes and he bed and all else. UNLESS it is something that makes you be pulled into it...stay out of it. Or just tell DH what is going on.
The real issue is that your
The real issue is that your DH treated you like one of his children. How does he ever expect his child to treat you with the respect you deserve as the other adult in the home?
If he felt you were riding his son, he should have waited until you were both alone to discuss it and tell you that he would appreciate if you would backoff. He should never override you in front of his son.
If he ever does do that again, you have to deal with it in the moment instead of crying about it. Tell SS to go to his room that you and his father have to discuss your difference of opinion, and discuss it in private with your husband immediately. He can never perceive you as being weaker than his father.
Once you've dealt with it, then cry.
(((((HUGS))))) Betty, I know
(((((HUGS)))))
Betty, I know exactly how you feel. FDH used to do this all the time. After many bratty outbursts on my part, due to being treated like a child, he realized the error of his ways & has tried to curb treating me like one of his children. It still happens from time to time but at least he waits until the SKids are out of ear shot before "correcting" me.
I use lines like "why don't you correct your children instead of the WOMAN you chose to spend the rest of your life with" or "maybe you should think about siding with ME since I'm only ensuring that YOUR children behave like normal human beings rather than cretins"...and my all time favorite "YES SIR!" with a salute to match. I do the "Yes Sir!" until he clues in that he's being an ass.
Honestly, I have had to call the KIDS in to clear up his blindness on occasion...
Me: SS, what did you think was going to happen when your dad sent you from the room?
SS: That he was going to yell at you for being mean to me.
Me: Really? Why would you think that?
SS: Because you get in trouble when we are bad.
Me: Thank you SS, you can go now.
Me: So you still think your children don't realize what's going on here???
SO: SHIT!
Of course, other occasions called for me clarifying, via the kids that they aren't as stupid (or innocent) as SO gives them credit (or lack of) for.
It's a horrid position to be in & I feel for you.
Hopefully, your DH pulls his head out of his butt & realizes that he CAN NOT treat you like one of his damn spawn.
I like the way you
I like the way you think!!!
GG (biodad I live with) is the same way. He scolded me in front of his children. Picture it:
I'm almost TEN years old than GG, an experienced, successful parent (two grown productive bios)
and he's
younger
a horrible guilty daddy pacification parent who kisses the non-parent BFF PASinator BM's backside to keep the peace.
And he's telling ME what to do and telling ME i'm a horrible driver for DARING to slide off the horrendous, treacherous, half mile long on a steep decline with two ravines on either side driveway in a snow storm??!!
Then his three piglets chime in and start taunting me as well??!! I don't think so.
I'm sorry but F&^* your
I'm sorry but F&^* your DH...That was completely uncalled for...If he did need to speak to you it should of not been in front of ANY children.....F^&%* that!!!! I agree disengage....Let him deal with everything and if SS is pissing you off leave the room and do something for you...Paint your nails, toes, stick in a good movie....
Amen to that.
Amen to that.
TRUE APOLOGIES (AND
TRUE APOLOGIES (AND COMPLIMENTS FOR THAT MATTER) ARE NEVER FOLLOWED WITH A BUT.
AN APOLOGY IS AN ADMISSION OF ONE'S OWN WRONG? ADDING A BUT, ONE INSTANTLY DISOWNS THEIR ACTIONS AND SHIFTS THE BLAME TO ANOTHER.
IT IS NOT AN APOLOGY.
YOUR DH, NOT ONLY DID NOT APOLGIZE TO YOU BUT HE DID NOT EVEN TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR DEMEANING AND DISRESPECTING YOU IN SUCH A DEGRADING WAY.
HE MIGHT AS WELL OF SMACKED YOU AROUND THEN SAID "IM SORRY,BUT IF YOU WOULDNT MAKE ME MAD...BLAH BLAH"
AND YES IM SHOUTING! IM PLUM MAD. I COULD SPIT NAILS IM SO PISSED AT THE DISRESPECT.
I didnt mean to put a
I didnt mean to put a question mark there. I was making a statement not asking a question. LOL
Accept his apology- it sounds
Accept his apology- it sounds like he meant it. But then YOU get a "but"- he's never to discuss disciplining the kids in front of them, ever , again. My DH and I have been married almost 30 yrs, we made a pact long ago to discuss in private the kids.
The best thing that ever
The best thing that ever happened to me was disengaging. I don't say anything about his kid (SD11). I have my own BS11 to worry about. She could be about to jump off of the roof and I won't say a word if her father is standing there. DH snapped at me one time and one time only when I discovered the princess was taking fake showers. He did this in front of her. After that it was clear to me that he didn't want to hear anything I had to say regarding his daughter. Fast forward 6 months and he'd do anything to get me show some type of interest. I like disengaging better
I once read that the word
I once read that the word "BUT" means, 'please disregard everything I have said in the sentence prior to the BUT!'
He MAY have meant it BUT...(ha) he needs to keep the two conversations separate to make the apology mean what it should mean.
Yes, the "BUT" is the
Yes, the "BUT" is the qualifier. In other words, he didn't apologize, he spun and projected.
And on the fake showers, I too pointed out Prince Hygiene (SS at the time stb 7) patented 30 minute soapless showers in which he would just squat down and play with the drain.
GG didn't want to hear it. GG has made it IMMENSELY clear that he does not want to hear ANYTHING negative about his three crotch droppings ever. He has gone so far as to shut down my conversation about other children who are doing well in school as it reminds him of his three spawn, how they are DISMALLY failing in school and their POS MOTY-type BFF non-parental unit CPS worker PASinator CP BM, the Behemoth.