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At my witts end......

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:04pm

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been in a relationship and living with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. He has a daughter 15 and son 19 (who's in the Army, so he is away). Their mom died a little over a year ago, from drinking and driving. I have two boys of my own who are 14 and 10.
My sd and her mom were Horrible to me when i first met my bf. Even tho they had been separated for 8 months and they had just signed divorce papers. The mother and daughter would post stuff of myspace about, my sd would write stuff on paper about me.
Well anyway...when the ex/mom died my sd came back to live with us. Things were hard in the beginning but we got past the mean hurtful hateful things she said and how she treated me in the past. So its stated, I didnt like her from the begininng, but I love my bf so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Over the last year I have treated her like my own, I even do things for her that i dont do for my own kids.
My feelings towards her have changed in the last 4 months, as we caught her sneaking her bf in our house and having sex with him, she is constantly rolling her eyes and getting an attitude with her dad in front of people and at home, she competely disrespects him and I am tired of it. If i did that to my "parents" I would have my teeth knocked out.
Now all of a sudden (2 weeks ago give or take) she is getting an attitude with me, writing that I am a fake a** b*tch, that I can kiss her f*ing a** and how i need to get hit. And this week she tried to tell her dad that I said she is ruining our relationship. Which i never said. She has been not doing schoolwork and getting bad grades so I asked her if she wanted to spend the whole year grounded again this year like she did last year, she said "No". Then i told her, "then get your shit together with your schoolwork. I am tired of your dad getting mad at me and us fighting because your not turning your school work in and I am that one that has to tell him, it's causing a major strain on our relationship because we have been fighting so much about it.". Does that sound like I said to her, "you are ruining our relationship?"
I just cant even stand her anymore. All she does is constantly lie and cause problems. She treats him like shit (and so does his son), they talk shitty to him, they only are nice to him when they want something, the son doesnt even call him, they are rude, disrespectful....the list could go on and on. My bf and I never fight unless its about my sd...which is like everyday. But we dont ever fight about anything else. We always have a great time doing stuff together and get along great when she isnt around. ALWAYS!
As soon as she comes around the whole mood changes. Half the time I dont even want to go home because of her. He is miserable, I am miserable.
I love him with everything that I am, But how is this going to work when I cant stand his kids?

Any advice?

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:31pm

Can you live separately? Her behavior might likely be like this whether her mom were alive or not, but she should be seeing someone for that loss.

This situation would be difficult for me to stay in.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:31pm

We actually already tried that and it didnt seem to make bit of difference. I agree about seeing someone for the loss...but i can only do so much.

Thanks for replying. Smile

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 3:03pm

stepmom21- I am really sorry for this situation. I really wish I had more advice to give you. I hope some solution presents itself.

I've been wanting my SD to see someone about her own issues (not nearly as serious, but still she has issues) but neither parent pushes for it. I understand having your hands tied on that one.

All I can say at this point is to throw your hands up and disengage from her completely. I couldn't interact with a person like this. We aren't expected to tolerate this in our lives outside the home, why do people expect us to deal with these things in our homes???

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 3:24pm

Thank you! I hope so too!

She is too busy with sports, and she wont go! SO I hear ya on that one about the parents not pushing. I bring it up every so often, but get the same response every time.

I have thrown my hands ups, but then she complains to my bf about my being distant and then he gets upset and says i hold grudges for far too long.
But its not a grudge, I am tired of her constantly treating me like crap, apologizing (which i dont even believe) and acting like everyhing is ok until she does it again.
I dont even let my own kids treat me like that, she is no different as far as I am concerned.
So do I just act fake towards her when he is around? Because I know him, and he is not going to tolerate me disengaging from her. RRRRRRR!!!!!! I dont want to interact with a person like her, her bad vibes are making me old...LOL .
Exactly, just because she is his kid doesnt mean I should have to tolerate it...I wouldnt from anyone else. Maybe because she is a part of him, idk.
But i came into this relationship for him, not his kids.

What a tangled web......

Thanks you!!!!! Smile

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 3:48pm

You sound like me. I'm so fake around SD. But her attitude is really getting to me. When I start giving it back to her, he just feels bad for her and I look like the mean one. I can't even do that in my own house!! So frustrating. So now, I have to be distant sprinkled with fake or else I sleepwalk into her room and chop all her hair off.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 4:18pm

OMG exactly!!!! Its so the same with me. He starts to feel bad...and i look like this super b*tch. Then i start to doubt my own feelings.... I cant either!!!! and it is extremely frustrating. Its a huge bummer. HAHAHAHAHAHAH....omyg thats what i would do too!!!! i've even thought of putting chewed gum in her hair while she sleeps...LOL.

At least now I know i am not alone!!!!
And i dont have any family or friends to talk too!!!!
and i can only say so much to him...it is his kid.

Thanks a bunch. Now maybe i wont go home in a bad mood again today!
It feels good to talk to someone going through issues with a SD.

Hope you have a great day.

Thanks,
stepmom21sd

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 10:39pm

Oh stepmom21 yes I do feel for you. I like the idea of gum.

At one point she was asking for stupid flip flops every time she visited and going mall shopping. Daaaaddy was taking her. I finally said something about it. He finally saw he was shopping too much for her.

One night I had to keep myself from peeing on the bag of new flip flops she got. Just annoying.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Submitted by stepfamilyfriend on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:18pm

Definitively sounds like troubled waters at your house. The best quick advice I would give you is not to tell her that she is causing you two to fight. She does not need that power. It might make her do "whatever" even more, if she knows it will cause problems in your relationship.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:35pm

Yes it does! Sad I dont have to tell her, she knows. Because sometimes she will come out and say "Dad, I am sorry if I am making you guys fight." And we dont ever fight in front of the kids...but I think she eavesdrops at our bedroom door.
Your right about not giving her that power! I think at this point she doesnt care what she does or how it affects our relationship. Obviously she could care less about her dads happiness.
Kids these days are a lot different than the kind of kid I was.

Thank you for the advice.

No Power for the SD.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:38pm

Then that is my mistake, but wasnt my intention. I hate to say it because it hurts to see it..but I am just being honest about how it is when she isnt around.
But you are right, i will only do what i must and not go out of my way, because your probably right, she doesnt care. Sad

Thanks for being honest.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 3:13pm

That happens to a lot of us. Things are different when the SD (or SS in some cases) isn't around. My SO changes when the skids come. It seems like its an SD issue for us too.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 2:54pm

Believe me I know who the adults are. I absolutely do no allow it! Who did allow it was her mother and father when they were together, and since I have been around he has no longer allows it, and when i tell him he deals with it, but she seems to think that she can talk and treat us however she wants. I just recently told my bf about the stuff she does behind his back in front of people and I also told him that I am NOT going to Allow her to treat him like that anymore and that if she does stuff like that or talks to him disrespectfully again, whether we are in front of people or not that I am going to call her out on it. It makes him and I both look like idiots when she does it...I mean what must people think?
When she gets attitude with me i take her phone away for a few days.
I have also told him that maybe he should smack her mouth once in awhile when she talks back or disrespectful...but he says he wont do that.

I cant go pyscho...i dont think it will work.

But i am just not going to go out of my way or talk him "into" stuff for her anymore. Because if it wasnt for me, she wouldnt get or be able to do half the stuff she does.

this whole situation just seems to be getting worse as time goes on... :sick:

thanks for the input!!!

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 4:23pm

I think having a room with only a mattress, 1 sheet, 1 pillow, and 1 blanket as well as two plain outfits (jeans and white teeshirt or sweatshirt) for a month that she can wash herself every other day(or longer if appropriate) only...no tv, no computer, ipod, no cell phone, not even a door on the bedroom door frame could cure her of her attitude or at least make her keep it to herself.

The unfortunate benefit is that you dont have to worry about her running to BM for backup or claiming that your soooo mean. She is stuck with you as you are stuck with her. I would make her miserable. You cant make her be a nice person, but you can make her pretend to be a nice person to earn her stuff/privileges back and then continue to pretend so that she can keep it. My answer to every request would be no. No activities, no friends, no extra circulars. She can sit in her stripped room and do homework. When homework is done she can read or write essays. If she values her social status and social activities as much as most 15 year olds do this will get her attention! If you can get your DH on board with this and rock her world a bit you might be able to at least make her someone you are able to live with until she is 18.

Good luck!

This is what my parents should have done to me when I was a horrible teenager to them and particularly my SM.

stepmom21sd's picture

Submitted by stepmom21sd on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 6:12pm

I wish I could take all that away, but i know he wont do it. He feels bad because she has no mom and he gets sick of always being the "bad guy". SD picked her mom over my BF all the time, her mom could do NO WRONG!!! yet she was out at the bar every night instead of being at home with SD and ended up killing herself drinking and driving....and yet she is still a saint...wth.

I would think that after losing her mom she would care more about having me around...at least i am here and trying to be here for her like a mom should be. but i guess thats not good enough.

I am unfortunately lucky to not have BM around, she was horrible to me...and i know things would probably be even worse if she was still here.

No, I cant make her be nice, she was raised by a horribley mean, ....... mother, and that is who she wants to be like.

But i can make her feel the same way she makes me feel...just by not talking to her or being interested in anything she tells me...which is what I have been doing.
But now he is on me about why I am being uncaring. SO i can never win.
Maybe i will just be fake to her when he is around...idk.

Thank you for the advice.

At least now as an adult you can look back at see what mistakes you made with your SM.
I hope she will see this too when she is an adult.

I love your quote!!!!

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 6:16pm

Google can be a stressed Step moms best friend.

Search - camp for troubled teenage girls (your city, your state)

You might find a miracle!

Good Luck!