I don't know how some of you handle visitation
My ss lives with us full time, and rarely sees his bm. Maybe 2 times in 2 years he has actually spent the night at her home. When he came to live with us I knew that would be the case. He was 13, no longer a child that would adore her, and so she was just done with him. I assume her other son has about 2 years before she's finished with him as well.
Prior to that, we had ss eow and 1-2 evenings. Then it turned into EW and 2-3 nights. I see a lot of you that have EW visitation as well. How the hell is that fair?? Why is the bm entitled to have every weekend free to run around, and we are not allowed to do anything with our dh/so and friends or what ever we may want to do? How are we supposed to go away for a weekend? I mean, we have dd as well. She can go spend a night with my parents, or any one of our IL's. SS was only here on weekends, so we could not just send him to someone else's home. He is now old enough to stay alone, but it wasn't like that for sevaral years. But some of you are dealing with small children, and this will be your life for years to come. How do you not snap??
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Well - I have the opposite
Well - I have the opposite end. I have an exturd who is done with his kids all together. I have them every weekend. Adn every weekday. I get few breaks. However - I do set up weekends in advance where the inlaws get the kids and dogs while the boyfriend and I go away. We do that in order to keep our sanity and so he knows I want time with JUST HIM. My relationship with him is importants so I take the steps to make sure he adn I have alone time that isn't just about the sex (though it's AWESOME hehehehe) or sleeping in a bed next to each other drooling and snoring (and hey that can be AWESOME too lmao).
But as to fairness - I guess it's fair so that the kid gets to see and interact with and be with the other parent who cant' see them during teh week or whenever the custodial parent has them.
JRTM
Truly, I might have snapped
Truly, I might have snapped had I not stumbled into Step Talk. Reading and discussing here, as well as leading me to some reading elsewhere, helped me organize my thoughts and put what I was feeling into more appropriate words so I could talk to SO.
We have every weekend with SD. SS is older and goes off on his own most of the time. SO and I have literally only had 1 weekend together in over 1 1/2 years. I disengaged quite a bit and often do things on my own with family or friends. That has helped a little. But it really bothers me because SO and I both work Mon-Fri. Evenings are pretty much shot with my kids' activities, homework, dinner time, laundry, chores, and being tired. We have almost no quality time alone together, even with my kids being at their dad's every other weekend. This is one of my main sore spots.
Also, like you said, where is it fair that BM gets every single weekend free? And on the other hand, where is it fair to BM that Bio-Dad doesn't have to deal with skids' weeknight grind of homework, dinner time, bed time, etc.? I mean if BM were the kind of parent that puts any kind of effort into it, that is...
Yep, you've pretty much hit on my pet peeve. The every weekend thing bothers me more than SD's (rotten) behavior, because if every single freakin' weekend weren't ruined by it, her behavior wouldn't bother me as much. If we had her 1-2 weeknights and EOWe, I wouldn't feel quite as put upon.
Weekends are a very precious commodity to me!
I do understand that part. It
I do understand that part. It is so the parent and child have time together. But I just don't get how it's fair to everyone. Even the child really. TYhey are always at a different home, away from their friends in many cases, for their down time. Let's be honest...most kids don't want to be with the old folks all weekend!
Yea, but it seems the other
Yea, but it seems the other alternative is for the parents to revolve houses and the kid to stay home. I do know of a few cases wehre parents have done this - usually MUCH more wealthy families who have multiple homes.
I would LOVE to get a weekend truly - for no reason that required no planning or time frames...
But that went out the window when my body became host to my now freshly minted mean-ager.
No parent has enough time. During the week we have homework and dishes and chores and laundry and WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR CHORES and no you can't go it's a school night and pick up your shoes, oh my god have you brushed your teeth yet? it's bed tiem for crying out loud and then clean up from dinner and check your fb, steptalk and then holy cow its 11pm.
THEN you might get to spend quality time with the SO. If you can get past the Snoring & Drooling funtime of passing out exhausted.
She gets her weekends free - and you don't. no that doesnt' seem fair but , it is what it is. Take the time to spend time away from them. Send them to someone elses house.
How can you send them to
How can you send them to someone else's house when it's the only time you have with them? I am no longer in that situation, as ss is old enough to do things on his own and stay home alone. No biggie for me. And frankly, if I did not want him around, I would have never married dh nor would I have fought to have him live with us as I felt it was the best thing for him. He has his issues, but they are definitely not his own fault. Does he use his bad home life prior to living here as an excuse and try to manipulate with it? Sure. But I am not stupid and neither is dh. We see right through it and call him on it. Mostly because it is the best thing for him. He needs to learn that life sucks and you either get over it and do something with yourself or you become a lump who does nothing and blames it on everyone else. Thank god I have dh's support on that one!
But I see so many of you here that DON'T have that dh support and you are stuck with huge brats that you don't even like every freaking weekend. THAT is when I would have become resentful and quite frankly mean. I need an occasional break from my own child, never mind someone elses child who has no manners or life skills. I would have lost it many, many years ago.
"I need an occasional break
"I need an occasional break from my own child, never mind someone elses child who has no manners or life skills"
Yes!!!
I'm absolutely not opposed to SO spending time with SD. That's all great. I just don't think it would harm SD if some of that time happened to not be on a Saturday or Sunday. Fine, I go other places without SD and SO...but SO also deserves to do something else every now and then on his only days off. Hopefully that something else would involve me. In our case, we can take her on weeknights. She'd even ride the same bus to the same school. I'd like to at least have a weekend "off" once during each season or so. In our case this is how BM wanted it, so ever it shall be. Yes, a whole 'nother set of issues there.
"How can you send them to
"How can you send them to someone else's house when it's the only time you have with them?"
Well - I didn't always have them during the week. I was the weekend Mom. My ex and I had verbally agreed removing me from the home then removing them from their social network would be awful for them. At that time - he was still behaving with some brains and common sense.
I've been with my SO for over 3 years now and we've had the kids full time for 1.5 years. Even though that was our weekend with my kids - I still planned time away. They needed to understand that there were times when mom and moms SO need time to be grown ups and NOT work, NOT cook dinner, NOT do things that revolved around them. Not that they weren't and aren't the center of our lives - they just aren't our ENTIRE lives.
My DD13 told me she's glad that we went away occasionally because I was always happier when we came back and she got to have a mini-vaca away from BOTH of her parents those weekends.
Felt guilty the first time - but after that - not so much. i was a better parent AND a better partner for taking that time for us.
With the current arrangement
With the current arrangement at my house, we end up having SD about 3 weekends in a row...it's a 4 day rotation and that is just how it works out. But with my SD in sports now and her BM usually not being able to get her to practices and games, we end of having her more time. This is only until court in a few months though. My DH is trying to get primary custody and if the judge rules in his favor BM will have SD 3 weekends per month. Friday after school-Sunday night. I honestly would lose my freaking mind if we had SD every single weekend. As it is now I haven't relaxed since September 4th which was the last weekend day we didn't have SD. I have found it has been much easier to deal with her lately and my resentments are much smaller than they were at one point, but after almost a month of go go go it is exhausting.
Funny, I just received word
Funny, I just received word that skids might come to live with us and I couldn't help but wonder if I might not rather have SD Mon-Fri and not have her every weekend. Life might actually be better that way. SMs with full time custody can feel free to set me straight on that
The grass is just always greener wherever SD isn't...
You know what, it is easier
You know what, it is easier for us to have ss living here. At least that way he is help accountable for things and taught to do things the right way. His mom skates through life by finding a new man to latch onto when ever she feels she needs more money. And moving her kids from guy to guy and school to school. At least now ss acts like a normal person because he has some stability and rules. Of course we don't get weekends since she can't be bothered with him, but that's all the better in our case.
Oh yeah, that's another thing
Oh yeah, that's another thing I was thinking about...SO even thinks SD could be a better person if she lived with us (meaning he recognizes that she's not that pleasant of a person now) and didn't have so much influence from her mother. I don't know if I'm as optomistic, but I'm willing to give it a try...
Well - in my
Well - in my not-so-important-opinion, a "try and a fail" is better than a "no try at all". Of course, we aim for "try and succeed" but even sometimes our best attempts to do something can be thwarted by someone else's lack of spine.
i prefer having mine 24/7 too - at least now I know they're safe.