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SD16 is tearing my marriage apart! Why is DH so blind?

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 9:04am

So SD16 is canniving and manipulative and lies. Basically, she is just like her Bio-mom. In the last 6 years that DH and I have been together, we have had our ups and downs but I have never felt like her and I have really clicked. One minute she loves me and the next she is telling DH that I am mean and that I throw stuff at her. DH has sided with me on things in the past but it is becoming increasingly hard to talk to him about these problems because he doesn't want to deal with it. He has gone as far as telling me that I just need to figure it out and make up with her. This is not right. I'm starting to try the art of disengaging, but it is hard.

Things have gotten to the point, especially recently with the conversation we had last week (last post), that he is expecting me to sugar coat things and basically lie to her so I don't hurt her feelings and make things harder on him when she decides to throw her guilt trips. I am not ok with this. My husband is not a door mat and not to be manipulated. But when I try to say something, I'm making things complicated.

Again, I don't know what to do. DH is now telling me that we are over. Wow! And all because of SD16.

Comments

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 9:37am

Im sorry that is just wrong, something I have to remind myself and my husband is that they will be gone soon, supposed to be anyway, and I still want to be in love with him when they do leave

"My husband is not a door mat and not to be manipulated." I also understand how you feel SD14 does this shit to my DH all the time. You might want to let it go as long as you are not being treated like that. I to had to put my foot down and say "you can be treated like shit by a child if you want, but I refuse"

Asy's picture

Submitted by Asy on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 11:45am

it doesnt sound like DH is being a man at all so as for demasculating, it doesnt sound like he has "a pair" anyway.. But I have to agree with you Tmoore, if he wants to be walked all over by a child then let him do him and you do you. It might be time for you to put your foot down and walk out. I know you care for this man or you wouldnt be putting up with his or his kids crap but let it "be over" for a while. Let him see how life is without you. Maybe then he will appercate you and what you deal with. And people are you crazy, most kids are like their mothers so ya'll can just shush.. She isnt associating the kid with the mother when they act JUST ALIKE. Its called mimicing, childern do that ya know... If the child is hearing things from the bio-mom about the SM then of course the kid is going to bring that madness to the dads house... Im from the old school where kids knew their place and adults were adults did NOT let CHILDERN run the homes....

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 11:07am

As far as him saying that its over, I really don't know. He won't talk to me. Sadly. I have been trying to disengage from SD16. That is definitely a work in progress.

As far as me comparing her to her mom, she is just like her mom in every way. More and more every day, which makes things harder and harder. I call it as I see it. Leave her mom out of it, if need be. SD16 is still conniving and manipulative.

I am not trying to fight DH's battles, but I do want to fight the battle for general respect in my home. I have other children to set an example for and SD16 is and will be no exception.

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 11:07am

As far as him saying that its over, I really don't know. He won't talk to me. Sadly. I have been trying to disengage from SD16. That is definitely a work in progress.

As far as me comparing her to her mom, she is just like her mom in every way. More and more every day, which makes things harder and harder. I call it as I see it. Leave her mom out of it, if need be. SD16 is still conniving and manipulative.

I am not trying to fight DH's battles, but I do want to fight the battle for general respect in my home. I have other children to set an example for and SD16 is and will be no exception.

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 11:19am

"I am not trying to fight DH's battles, but I do want to fight the battle for general respect in my home. I have other children to set an example for and SD16 is and will be no exception"

I had to sit my bio kids down and explain to them that "I have no control of the skids behavior, rules, and chores. And while this may seem unfair right now I can only raise them(bio kids) the best I can, and that includes teaching them to repect this home, taking care of their responsiablites, and following the rules. The skids dont live here and I am not responsible for them."

And it really hurt saying it, cause for such a long time I was trying to blend us, and I feel like I just said to my kids "its us vs them". But I dont want my kids thinking the way the skids act is ok or that they re bing mistreated. And the fact that they dont do chores, and DH has seperate rules for HIS kids is just life sometimes. And I have to remind myself that my kids are getting the btter deal in the long run, DH is a great dad to my kids, just sucks as a dad to his own.

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 12:18pm

Thank you. This actually does help. I am beginning to see and understand things that I wouldn't have on my own. I just may have to sit Bio-kids down and have that talk with them.

Tmoore's picture

Submitted by Tmoore on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 12:26pm

Oh, and just for the sake of DH and to set a good examle to my kids, I did not get into to name calling, or say anything about anyone else doing anything wrong, I just told them my part. I am not into parent bashing so i stayed with how I am going to teach them what I think is right.

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 12:23pm

Thank you all for your insight and support. Some of it is not always easy to take. But I think its necessary in terms of seeing Things from all sides to be the most effective.

Any suggestions on how to disengage would be most appreciated.

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 12:57pm

Re. Whose fight it is, I too objected to my DH being ABUSED by my SD/BM. He was so beat down over THEIR BULLYING he had given up.

I resented Anyone doing that to any person, especially my DH, so I did tell BM and her puppet SD to knock it off as well as my take on them and anyone who would use their child in their own personal hate war. It stopped.

Their big defense was , Most Evil we are not talking about you - mine, don't do that to My Husband either!!!

DH was not emasculated, he was able to start his recovery from being abused!!

SoTired1's picture

Submitted by SoTired1 on Sat, 07/09/2011 - 2:48pm

Hello, areyoukiddingme, I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time right now. But, this too shall pass. I empathize with you wholeheartedly because I've been exactly where you are about 2-years-ago & my SD was 17 at the time. My DH & I, were the proud parents of our 18-month-old [1st-born]. My DH told me [during a phone call while he was on duty at the station] that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He said that he'd had enough of my calling his [alleged] BD out of her name & that I was not willing to let by-gones be by-gones, etc. I was devastated. I had been placed through the wringer with ultimate disrespect by SD & BM (including their name calling of me), but of course DH wasn't focused on that; he said that it shouldn't matter what they say or how they feel about me only he should be my concern.

Disengage, is exactly what I did. I was so hurt for many reasons: I'm a SAHM, our bio-child (18-mos at the time), the fact that he was choosing this girl [perhaps, not his bio-daughter . . . long story]; I had feelings of abandonment. Sad How I disengaged?: I hung up the phone on him (without notice). He was shocked because he called me back immediately. I didn't answer b/c he had said all I needed to hear, "I don't want to be married to you anymore." I refused to say 1-word to him when he was home & I booked a flight to my home town. I packed my luggage for me & my baby and I didn't tell DH a damn thing. I scheduled my flight for a duty day he'd be at the station, left him a 1-sentenced note w/ a phone number he could call to talk to his baby (and that was done because my bf begged me to do so, that it would be wrong of me), I left my vehicle at airport parking & me & my baby was gone. Let me tell you that I was very sneaky b/c I covered up everything a I didn't want him to know where I was or how long we'll be gone.
Needless to say, DH was devastated & he realized how much he really loved me, our son, & what we had together. I left him for almost a month & let him experience life in our huge home without our presence. I was so hurt & embarrassed about the whole situation, but I was not willing to compromise on how I [justly] felt about his daughter.
By God's loving grace & these lovely women here on StepTalk.org as well as our minister's intervention into our home to counsel us, our marriage survived. GOD, is good all the time. Since then, the Lord softened my SD's heart (as well as mine) & she reached out to me via FB and soon thereafter I saw her at my DH's grandmother's funeral. She made an attempt to greet me (says a lot for her) & I extended a bear hug to her & she welcomed my hug as well as returned the hug. She continues to reach out to me on FB & she recognizes our children as her little brothers. Smile
The awesome side of all this is that I did not have to compromise my beliefs to gain this association with my SD, despite DH's initial unreasonable requests. As I read your blog, I felt your pain b/c I was there at a point in my marriage. Sometimes, you'll have to do something to shake your DH up a little [shock that monkey], but whatever you decide to do please make sure you're doing it from your heart & not simply to shake up DH. B/C, when I left my DH I did it from my heart (actually preparing for divorce). I returned to my home town to talk to my dad, mom, sister, & friends to enlist the opinions of those I loved most. Fortunately, my DH woke up before I had a chance to get papers filed. Smile
Many well wishes for you, your marriage, your children, & your Skids. Prayer changes things, so please stay prayed up.
SORRY SO LONG!!!