In my first attempt to write any type of blog, I will begin this one with the particularly daunting task of summarizing the last 10 years of my life. Easy enough, right? Let's give it a try...

When I met my DH, we fell in love immediately. We knew we were going to get married and instead of living together while we planned a wedding (I lived 4 hours away when we met) we decided to go ahead and do it sooner versus later. Because of his daughter I just felt that was the right thing to do. Well DH and the BM didn't have a wonderful marriage and they only got along after the divorce when she felt like it. BM had demonstrated very bizarre, controlling behaviors during their marriage (I've heard stories) but still no one could foresee how quickly she could rear her ugly head once she knew her ex was serious about someone else. In hindsight, it's a good thing we got married as quickly as we did or I'm not sure I would have stuck around to deal with her. I tried to be the adult and get to know her. She invited me to her home for dinner so I thought we'd be able to work together. Oh how wrong I was. Not only did DH not get to see his daughter after that but she wasn't even allowed to come to our wedding.

The BM was eventually found in contempt of court for not allowing Daddy to have visitation and so began the painful process of ramping up visits with the SD just to get to standard visitation. There are many, many lies BM told SD and the courts so it was very difficult to prove BM was an absolute pro at . We tried very hard to do the right thing but got caught up on many arguments of petty things. I mean, really, nothing was exempt from being argued about and it was a shame. Plus we had the added fun of getting tested by the court ordered psychologist (who blatantly asked DH if we was drinking when he married BM) as well as taking SD to numerous counselors only to have appointments stopped once the professional started to see the true picture. She tried to change her last name, too. Twice. We were also investigated by child services because SD wrote something on a paper at school as instructed by her BM. It said something about being scared this weekend and not wanting to get hit. Lies, lies, lies...the investigation showed nothing of the sort. There was no attempt from BM to work with us and all the while DH was paying child support and only tried to see his daughter as much as possible! BM is a smart woman could very easily portray the sensitive, loving mother. She is soft spoken, educated and a decent actress. She fooled many people, but not us. It was only a matter of time until SD started to see the real picture and so we waited for that day, letting her know we'd be there when she was ready.

As SD got older, things didn't improve in her house much. BM got remarried (husband #4) and that didn't last long. It wasn't until high school that BM's abuse started to escalate. The verbal abuse, ever present, was brutal. We'd hear multiple stories of BM telling SD she looked ugly and was fat, when in fact SD was quite pretty and very thin. The effects of the mental abuse was devastating to this girl. Throw in a random physical abuse here and there and it paved the way for SD's decision to leave. Ironically, BM used to threaten sending SD to live with us when she was younger. That was a very scary thought - being rejected by Mom - so it was effective for a while as a control tactic. Over time, this became less effective as the thought of not living with her seemed not so bad to SD. Then, if the threats would still come, SD would cry when her mom didn't carry them out. You can see where this is going.

Toward the end of her sophomore year, SD had enough confrontations with BM to tell us she was ready. We got a great attorney and filed and emergency change of custody. Since SD was older and we had a much better counselor than before, it was pretty easy getting custody. SD was quite brave in her on-camera interviews and told the truth. We were all very happy to finally have her in our home. By this time, we had our own daughter so things were looking good.

So since SD has come to live with us she was busted for sexting very graphic pictures of herself to multiple boys, none of whom were her boyfriend. She admitted to being sexually active and we learned this was with a boy she barely knew, in his car. (Nice first time experience, huh?) She was diagnosed with depression and ADD and started taking medication for both only to stop taking them after about 3-4 months. She has also tried to commit . Twice. She admitted to cutting herself in the past but even though it doesn't appear she does that currently, she does pick at her face, legs, arms and anywhere else she can reach. Her body looks like she has a disease and she doesn't even bother to cover it up, except to see her boyfriend and for basketball games (she's a varsity cheerleader). Her social life is non existent really but she landed the lead in the spring musical two years in a row. Since she doesn't have any interested in driving she either takes the bus or we give her rides. Oh, and she's an absolute slob.

At this point I am at my wits end managing this girl. DH travels 3 out of 4 weeks a month so I get to be the in house parent in charge of monitoring her...not something I signed up for at all! I know she has tons of issues from her mother, who she has since stopped seeing altogether. Although it was SD's choice initially, BM doesn't seem interested in seeing her daughter at all. SD can't even get and "I love you" when they speak on the phone - a rarity. I mean, I can't imagine how tough it would be to be so rejected by a parent but it angers me that I didn't create all these issues with her but I'm the one having to deal with the aftermath. I'm being critical I know but it sucks. She is almost ready to graduate from high school and the plan to live on campus at a school about 45 minutes away is no longer an option. She's just not mature enough to do it (and the recent suicide attempt sealed that decision). So...she's not going anywhere anytime soon!

I'm hoping this blog can be therapeutic and allow me to connect other step parents to "broken" teenagers. We're in a very tough position and many do not understand. More to come I'm sure...