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Parenting Styles - "Chinese Mom" vs "Western Mom"

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 3:23pm

Thought this was an interesting article, as I'm building my parenting ideas... since getting 2 stepkids and having a daughter and another baby on the way.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/01/13/chinese.mom.superior/index.html?hpt=C2

All racial/ethnic stuff aside, looking at the IDEALS only, which are you, your spouse and the ex-spouse?

A. a "Chinese mom"
B. a "Western mom"
C. somewhere in-between?

I remember my dad asking why I didn't get the highest grade in a subject many times, I was expected to have top grades all the time, and have turned out very successful academically. I did however, get pushed in a direction I wasn't 100% heartfelt on, due to my parents' finances really because they couldn't afford for to pay for education for the "dream career". I have managed to go back and study that though, after working on my own. On the other hand, my parents always encouraged socializing and developing friendships and participating in sports and pursuing hobbies. So I'm guessing that they are sort of in-between.

I'm not an American and I'm know I'm going to struggle a bit to raise my child with my values in an American society. I was chatting with SD12 about a book I borrowed for her to read "How I Survived Middle School - Can You Get an F in Lunch?", (I read the book) and I was really amazed at the fact that students bringing their own lunches were ridiculed at school. This NEVER happened to me, and when I went to school, people who brought different kinds of lunches were eager to share, just as the rest of us were eager to taste. I am really trying to prepare myself here, on how to bring up confident kids who are proud of all their heritages, and able to withstand the peer pressure if they choose something that goes against the norm.

Parenting has got to be the hardest job ever.

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:02pm

Damn! These Chinese moms are softies. I am more in line with Attila the Hun parenting.

If they are not perfect. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS and start over on another kid. }:)

In all seriousness, isn't it amazing how much like 50's style American parents these Chinese parents are?

Hmmmmm??? Coddling, self esteem and everyone gets a trophy .... MY ASS!

At my HS every four weeks grades were posted on a board in the hallway outside the deans office right next to a clearly posted NAME! If you were good, everyone knew it. If you weren’t, everyone knew it.

That is the way it should be. At HS graduation the kids should cross the stage in order of ranking in their class. Poor performers should be humiliated and so should their parents.

Exceptions for kids with ACTUAL disabilities and not the made up crap that justifies crappy behavior and poor academic performance these days of course.

All IMHO.

helena_brass's picture

Submitted by helena_brass on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 6:39pm

A Bunch of Random Thoughts:

I don't see it as 50's-style American parenting, though there are some similarities. Though the 50's mom (generally) was a stay-at-home mom, she was not nearly as focused on her kids in all the hours that they were home. The father was the disciplinarian. I would say that there's similarity between the Chinese mother and the 50's American father encouraging his son to be a football/baseball star, but the 50's American mother was not the same (and probably didn't treat her daughters the same).

I grew up in a very Asian-American area (SF Bay Area), and a lot of my friends had crazy strict parents like this. Some of them had an almost frightening competitive streak, and were even a little condescending as a group, but they were the MOST respectful kids to their parents. Even when they did things behind their parents backs, they still had the fear of God in them (unlike those raised by Western parents). I recall one high-school friend of Burmese-descent. She was one of those fiercely competitive Straight-A girls who was deathly afraid of her parents and wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend in high school-- but she emigrated from Burma to Singapore when she was 7, then from Singapore to California when she was 11, and the girl spoke a local Burmese dialect, Mandarin, Japanese, and more perfect English than most Americans.

A couple years ago I was tutoring a Russian girl in English. Her mother was a professional artist. The little girl drew a portrait of her mother and brought it to her. Now, an American parent would most likely praise their child for drawing such a cute picture of them, however misshapen and crude. Olga (the girl's mother) instead told her daughter, "That doesn't look like me." She then proceeded to show her daughter the correct way to draw her nose, eyes, ears, and face shape. It stands out as a culture-shock moment for me. Then it made me think a lot. I agree in principle more with the Chinese-style described, but it's not how I was raised so I'm not sure if it would come out the same from me as from someone who was raised that way themselves. It's not ingrained in me, so I'd have to think a lot more rather than act based on what I'd seen growing up.

In Japanese there's a word for "fear of causing embarrassment/shame for someone else." In psychological studies it's been found to be one of the most highly-rated reasons that teens/young adults in Japan commit suicide (I have no idea how they collected that data). Japan has a very high rate of suicide among teens/young adults (especially around the high school/college acceptance ages). So yea, there's a flip side too.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 7:21pm

H.

All very valid and accurate points. There is always consequence for any decision and how to parent is probably the decision with the most consequences.

There should definitely be a balance between two styles presented by the OP and I agree with you that it should be heavy toward the Chinese Mother Style.

Your comments about the Chinese mother being more like the 50's American father is also right I think.

The key is to have an involved parenting style with expectation and demand for performance to the best ability of the kid and consequences for anything less.

IMHO of course.

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Thu, 01/13/2011 - 4:10pm

I read the article-I think the 50's style wasn't to me more "chinese mom style"....but it WAS more balanced.

I find both extremes bad, and strive for an in between.....push them, not overindulge but also respect their individual passions and choices in life. They aren't here on eart to repay a debt to me for bringing them to life. They aren't here to make ME look good-they are their own person. You shape and help mold them with a good healthy balance of discipline, love, respect, teaching, encouraging.

I do not care one bit for over adoration nor do I care for insulting a child into shame or having them feel their life mission is to please me and what I want for them. We are entrusted to help guide, discipline, mold them but a healthy respect for individuality, personality, personal likes and interests is needed.

Pendulums swung too far in either direction is what is unacceptable to me. Sometimes the pendulums swing too hard in the opposite directions so subsequent generations can find a good balance once it settles. I've seen this with almost every aspect of life.