Well, we all talk about the difficulty of disengaging from the problems. I guess you have to decide if the relationship is worth getting through the problems. They will end, although others will take their place. If you envision a life where you and your spouse have only your own children, and you are young enough to find that, you have that choice to make. If you love your relationship and partner enough to see him through this, you can make that choice also. Most of us have chosen to stay. There will be problems in all relationships. You have to weigh your decision.
F.

Alexandra! I think you are SO right, I've wondered about that also. I think a lot of posters would benefit from that outlook...particularly being on here YEARS using their headspace w/issues rather then working on a solution. Keeping stuck in the negative.
I think the board has a purpose, but can be detrimental as well depending on where we are.

And this happens on any board. For a long time during my previous marriage my focus was on specific board that dealt w/abuse --but after I made a change and was out and no longer needed the emotional support it provided....I found that if I stayed and contributed it started to "keep me" in my past and focusing on it. I took a long break to recover and not think about those things and focus on other areas of my life.

I still go back now that I'm stronger and healed and I can give advice or support w/out feeling drained or that it's bad for my head space.

Anyways-excellent observations!!!

indeed....there is always a solution, always an out...it's whether we want to do it or sit there in our muck and complain. There are plenty that like to sit in their muck for years on end w/excuses about how impossible it is to do somethign for their own lives and well-being. NOTHING is impossible. Perhaps that is where they are really comfortable and familiar and fear the change? Maybe the infestation feeds some warped need in us that is addicted to the drama and co-dependency and attention received by us exposing our hell to others over and over but refusing to get out.

There are always ways out....may not be the out and solution we wanted but hey...if we aren't stubborn enough we adapt.

Rat infestation...there not being any rodent control places is not plausible nor is banning of pesticides...and even if that were the case there are other methods. Many creative methods. One that wants a solution finds it.

"I love an amazing man whose situation I just cannot accept."

I so feel that. You're just still fighting that. I did for a long time, too.

On a similar blog not long ago someone pointed out that when things are good we don't tend to be here.

It's very hard to accept that you can't make the skids get a slingshot ride to another planet. We spend time in denial that we can never win. We have something we don't want to lose, but the baggage is just too much. With or without this site you are going to have the agony of that decision.

I can fully relate to the stagnation and the frustration of wanting things my way.

Problem is, there's no middle ground. You want him without the baggage and he wants you to accept it accept it and be happy.

I so sorry. I know exactly how you feel.

My thought was that it was unfair to me to spend my life with someone who didn't respect me, & it would've been unfair to expect him to spend his life with someone he had no respect for.

What great words of wisdom. Well said. Thank you!

""I love an amazing man whose situation I just cannot accept."

This resonates also with me. I've found a "way" around it. I blogged about "withdrawing" a bit. Stepping back and keeping our relationship more neutral.

I must admit it's been a very tough week for us both. I miss him like crazy, I'm trying in my head to somewhat disengage and do other things and slow things down. My kids haven't seen him since Monday. I didn't see him from Mon till last night and only for a couple hrs-and he didn't spend the night.
This wknd his D is coming, we agreed we aren't going to be having the kids all under one roof and maybe we can find small outings to do those times. We have a bday we are all going to Sat afternoon...but otherwise we'll each be sticking w/our own kids.

I think it was a disengagement that had to happen otherwise the relationship would have been over quickly-maybe by stepping back, going back to a more casual, low key, not as much time together approach we can salvage and better enjoy the relationship. And we had to do this really because of his D and her inability to get along w/my biosons. The 3 of them combined and her escalations and behavior were adding such stress that it was about to cause the death of our relationship alltogether.

Another part of me wonders if the distance we are creating will actually damage what we had. No way to know right now, wait and see.

I also often wonder if the "love is just not enough" is really true.

Hugs back! I know it hurts.

I absolutely do understand what you are saying! I can relate on so many different levels. Lately my bf has been more stressed out than I feel he has been through his whole divorce and certianly the last 1.5 year of our life together. He doesn't listen to me when I tell him he needs to take it easy or his health will suffer....so we were in the ER last week as he was having heart fluttering and the doc said look you gotta get this anxiety in check or else you will be back here with a heart attack. His divorce will be final in May but it bothers me that he can't see the good things in his life and NOT put our life on hold until things are finally settled. He has a business trip next week and will be gone 4 days. I usually dread when he goes but this time...I'm looking forward to it. I need a break from HIS stress. I hate that his stress gets me worked up and I am feeling quite resentful these days. It's like, yeah yeah I love you but listen to how shitty my life is these days. I'm getting sick of that attitude something needs to change.