New Member with Adult Steps.

Hey guys,
I have been stalking this site for about a year now and thought it high time i created an account!
I am currently finding things very,very tough with being a SM,and decided that after SD causing a huge 'hoo ha',over christmas,and carrying out yet 'another' spiteful act towards me,for no good reason(other than i so happen to breathe), i thought i needed to an outlet of somekind.This long standing issue of SK's refusing to accept me and assuming a mob like mentality has almost resulted in me divorcing DH,because he is so scared of confronting them.
I will blog my story another time,and what i have come to learn,in the hope that i might even be able to other's who feel as isolated and as dismissed as i feel on my bad days.
I come from a very loving and gentle natured family,i have even had two step mothers with lots of step siblings who i adored and had a super relationship with,and so,even after 8 incredibly long years,i still find it very difficult to understand all the hate,resentment,and cruel tricks that SK's have played on BD and myself,i am tired of DH remaining fearful of his adult kids,and what they will do if he confronts them about thier abuseive attitudes(his daughter reduced him to tears the only time i ever saw him call her out on her rude behaviour).
After the incident involving SD over the festive period,i am now resigned to the fact that i cannot change her behaviour,neither can i control how DH deals with her,however,i now have to remove myself from 'their' harmful,and dysfunctional relationship,so that i am no longer affected by it,i am pregnant,and the stress SD has caused lately is just no longer going to be my problem.
Anyways........just wanted to say a quick 'hi' and keep it short.

cookies's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

Welcome to the site. Please

Welcome to the site. Please feel free to vent the stories here. It does make you feel better. SD's are so much fun and seem to enjoy making our lives hell. I personally blame Disney for making us the Bad Guy. Good luck and definitely tell us what drama she caused. It is therapeutic for us to read and for you to write about it. Congrats on the pregnancy.

Hey Renee, SS went this way

Hey Renee,
SS went this way for a while,again,i think it's because so little is expected of them by the BD, who chooses to indulge them,yet another example of how harmful this disneyland treatment can have long term consequences that manifests itself in so many different ways.

Welcome! I love when people

Welcome! I love when people with adult SK's join so we can swap stories on how horrifying they are! Not that I am glad you have issues with your SD or any of the steps but it is nice to know we are not alone

Hey guys and thanks for the

Hey guys and thanks for the welcome,this site is my safe haven and place of sanctuary when things get tough!
Well,basically,SD is 23,so,old enough to know that her behaviour towards me is totally unaaceptable,however,not to excuse her behaviour,but DH has enabled this behaviour from the start.He,like many other divorced dad's,has made them accustomed to gifts,endless amounts of money,and the inability to give them some kind of direction they should have had when it came to 'respect' towards our home,our boundries,and,'me!'.
SD,and both adult SS's,have never allowed me to get to know them,they made it clear from day one,that they were not happy about 'daddy' being with anyone else but them.
DH and BM divorced after about 1 year of marriage,and that was over 20 years ago,i was the first woman he introduced to his kids.
From what i can gather,BM was instrumental in causing the initial problems with SK's,she basically taught them in both direct,and non direct ways that i was a rival, a threat,and that myself and BD were the 'outsiders'(another long story,but in a nutshell,she has behaved very badly towards me and at one point was encouaring the SK's to refer to me as some very degrading names,......so petty)-Anyways,SD's remarks,passive-aggressive pokes,and deliberate attempts to ignore me whilst in my home became more and more constant and direct.She also took to bullying BD, which DH refused to call her out on.I almost divorced him over this as it would take place in our own home,and BD would dive for cover as soon as SD came to visit,so as to avoid her.Then,SD to totally ignore me,she would invite DH to visit her,and lunch with her,whilst treating me like a non entity for well over a year,i wouldn't have minded,but the message being sent out was a deliberate attempt to divide,and cause offense.I left her to it,in the hope that if she spent lots of time alone with DH,that she would see for herself that i wasn't a threat.I continued to maintaine a dignified silence and act with grace and kindness,whilst birthdays went disacknowledged,our anniversery came and went without so much as a phone call,and even attempts to reach out with a couple of really sweet and friendly emails went ignored.DH was quite happy to pander to SD throughout all of this,and even co signed for a car loan ($20,000) without feeling the need to discuss it with me first!(SD has had thousands from us,which we agreed would be paid back,but never was).
DH even wanted me to cook a special meal for SD for her birthday,so,i went out,got all the food,and started cooking,expecting her to be on the road...what happens?She called up 1 hour before,cancelled,then arranged for DH to have a birthday lunch with her the follwing day....and he went,without saying a word to me about how upset i must have felt.A couple of days later,i told DH that i had been through too much over the years with his kids,the abuse from his son,the abusive names his ex would call me to his kids,and the bullying that had gone unchecked for years,...i told him to sort it,to make it clear i deserved respect,or i was gone!DH assured me over the next few weeks that he would work,in particular with SD about her refusal to accept me,and so,i decided to go with the flow,as i have done for years,and i believed him.Then,DH informed me that SD would be coming over the festive period,and asked if i could cook another special meal.This was pre arranged for weeks,yet,2 hrs beforehand,SD calls up wanting to bring 'friends'(strangers) with her,to which DH said no,he then had to explain that it was family only,the food was cooking,my family were over,there no room,and i was already exhausted from cooking the previous day,SD completely flipped out,shouting and swearing down the phone,then started trashing me,and saying nasty things,then,once again,threatened not to visit.In the end,she came,but made it clear she was there under protest by completely ignoring me,refusing to even congratulate me about the baby,refusing to engage in any conversation,ate her dinner,then left(She made it clear that she had a problem with 'me',because she had no problem at all with making and maintaining conversation with DH)...........but not before leaving me her christmas gift-10 tubes of 'stretch mark' cream-I now know exactly why she was so intent on bringing her friends down,her plan to 'b-elittle' me infront them,was unfortunately blocked,need i say anymore-It's pretty much game over now,and DH's refusal to confront her,or deal with her has pretty much forced me into the position where i no longer want her in my home.After witnessing for herself what happened,my mother now wants nothing to do with my husband or any of his kids.Very frustrating,and there is much more to the history of things that have happened,but,this is the most recent event leading up to my 'no more',response.

I agree

I agree completely....sometimes disengaging is the way to go and the ONLY way!

Thanks snickersgal, i totally

Thanks snickersgal, i totally agree with you that most of this is due to DH and the issue he has with calling SD out on her behaviour.He,and every other BD that chooses to take spineless option of not correcting this behaviour,sets everyone up for failure.It's only now,with this recent incident where he defended me on the phone,that SD went nutzo,and is now ignoring him,because in her eyes,she now believes that she has every right,to come into my home,and disrespect me without any interference from anyone,in her world,she sees 'calling out' of behaviour as 'unreasonable',and 'unjust'-It's very dysfunctional,but,she just seems so intent on either trying to provoke a reaction,which she has never gotten from me,or,just being plain nasty and vindictive for no reason at all,i'm just not used to such spiteful behaviour,and perhaps,the biggest mistake i have made,is not standing up for myself,because i think she knows that i will not confront her,.....if i dared to say 'anything' to her,i am pretty much 100% sure she would freak out at me.
I too found it a relief when she decided to stay away for ages,but,like you,she would create issues with my DH and i when she wanted bills paid,and,of course,she wanted a flashy car that DH co signed for,we do not live lavish lifestyles,we do not live the high life,we have 1 dependant,1 on the way,bills to pay,a very sick dog that we have to pay $$$ for every month due to meds,yet,we are still expected to maintain her lifestyle even though she has a good job.What irks me even more is when she has been over in the past,and makes a mental note of anything new,or anything BD has,and then gets catty about it.Grrrrrr
How does your DH cope with your SD not coming over any more?I am afraid it may just finish my marriage off when this is put into action,especially with baby on the way,i am honestly dreading it.

Thanks snickersgal,your reply

Thanks snickersgal,your reply is really helpful,especially since you have also had to go through the baby thing with the SD visiting thing.
When i discussed with DH how hurt i was by SD's actions yet again with the latest incident,his reaction was that she didn't do anything wrong whilst here,and that he would only step in if she verbally bashed me to my face,as far as he was concerned,her ignoring me,and making it known i was being ignored,along with the passive-aggressive gift,was not enough to warrent him confronting her,and that i should not cause trouble by 'making waves',and that 'i' expect too much of her,lol....he honestly expects me to just 'take it', ignore the catty remarks,the ignoring,the whispering,and the way she keeps persisting with these passive aggressive actions,all of which,are done infront of everyone else,including my daughter.(Half my family won't speak to DH anymore because they think the way he has allowed his kids to treat me is disgusting,my daughter also see and hears everything and is fast tiring of seeing me treated with such hostility) I spent that night crying my eyes out because i was so frickin stressed out by it,in the end,i reminded DH that nothing had changed,he was still trying to excuse her behaviour as he had done for years,and that,it was causing so much conflict now,that i could no longer have her in my home,because he was simply not going to call her out on it.If i thought for one moment he would sort her attitude out on the spot,i would allow her in our home,but he is still not ready to do this.DH has let his daughter reduce me to tears twice before in our home,once when there was a death in the family and she made a disgusting remark,and the other,when i was very,very sick,and she still persisted to try and pick a fight with me,........DH just will not put a stop to it,so,maybe i need to draw that line and make a stand,atleast then the conflict that arises from the situation will no longer be my problem.

Cookies I can toooootally

Cookies I can toooootally relate to you, I have similar situation with both SD's. I am so sorry SD treats you so horribly that is totally unacceptable and uncalled for I agree with you. I have SD20 AND SD23. My situation is very different in some ways and in my case, I have been with their dad for 1.5 years and the girls STILL refuse to meet me. My bf has asked them, begged, made suggestions etc but nope they won't do it. He also suffers from guilty daddy syndrome as I'm sure you will see lots of DH's on here do. He does not stand up to them and does not expose them to things when necessary. As a result, both "women" (and I use that term super loosely since they act younger than most 15 year olds) are very immature and dependent on him. He enables their behaviour by taking them shopping for anything they want and he flies SD20 all over the globe. The latest thing was her having "a tough time growing up" and she "doesn't want to." Yup, bf's words exactly. My argument is...well perhaps you should stop buying her shit, flying her places, paying her bills and shelling out money to her so that she actually learns responsibility and the value of money and work ethic. But nope I have no idea what I'm talking about because I don't have children.

Bf is in the process of a divorce (long story I will tell you another time) and so the daughters are still dealing with that. A quick side note...no I am not the cause for the divorce, I had nothing to do with the breakdown of that marriage. It does not help either SD that I am closer in age to them than their dad. I am in my 30's and my bf is quite a few years older in his 40's. At first bf used to tell me that I could be anyone and no matter who he was with they would hate. I disagree. If I were 45 and divorced with older kids I gaurantee the situation would be different. Whereas, I am young, never married and no kids. They have called me a whore, golddigger, adulteress you name it. They won't even come to our apartment! Well SD23 won't come over even if I'm not there, SD20 has just begun coming there (not to meet me) and after a couple of times I'm ready to ban her from my house as well. I might not be in the house at that time but that doesn't mean it's ok to turn pictures of me around and touch any of my property without asking first. Maybe this is just me trying to claim my territory but who cares I still feel this way.

Like you, I felt that if I allowed them to go off with my bf and spend plenty of time with him they wouldn't be so threatened by the idea that their dad is with someone. I wanted them to see that I had no intention of stealing their father from them but to my dismay...they don't credit me for being nice and considerate about it (which I didn't expect anyway) nor do they acknowledge how serious this relationship is. The refer to me as "the roommate" and I swear they think they will scheme and scam a way to overthrow me once and for all. At first I was nervous about them winning and I would lose my bf but after awhile bf started (semi) standing up for our relationship and as much as they refuse to address this sitaution or acknowledge that daddy loves a woman other than their mother at least time is on my side and the more it passes the more realistic it is to them.

Even though I have never met them, bf wants to talk to me about them all the time. In a way understand because they are his kids and he loves them blah blah blah but this is after he enlightens me as to what kinds of names they call me and their general attitude towards me. So I made a NO TALK OF SD rule. Maybe it sounds harsh but why on earth do I care what they are doing/thinking/feeling when they are such assholes towards me?? He respected this for awhile but just recently has been bringing them up again so I can see I will need to remind him. It's not my fault. He is the one that thought I should know these horrible things they say about me and in the same sentence goes on to say what kind, sweet, smart people they are...give me a fucking break. How am I supposed to think that about them when all you tell me is how they cannot adapt to any situation or take responsibility for themselves and then they threaten you??? When he first left their mother they told him that they used to be proud to call him their dad but not anymore. They said they had no idea who he was anymore and that he didn't end up being who they always thought. Oh yea...bitches. I think that makes me more angry than anything else is how they talk to him. Why are we hating daddy? Because he left your stupid, useless, lazy ass of a mother? Oh yeah because she really deserves ANY acknowledgment for sitting around drinking lemonade and reading Good Housekeeping magazine with her feet up while her husband cooks, cleans, bathes and feeds children for all those years.

I'm sorry for ranting...I can tell you anything you want to know and I hope you share more about your experiences because it's great to hear how people cope with these things since they are so difficult.

iloveit-Wow,....i sooo agree

iloveit-Wow,....i sooo agree that if i were older,and either had no kids,or my BD were alot older,i too wouldn't have been accused of being a golddigger,or a w***(i have been called many,many offensive names!)
I think your DH trying to appease them and seek out their approval is a huge mistake on a collosal scale,it just gives them more power to manipulate the decisions he is making for the two of you,and it allows 'them' to dictate the pace of things,on their terms,and their terms only, i can't ever imagine handing over that kind of power to my BD and allowing her to dictate the pace of my r'ship with DH,she is not my equal,she is a child,and that is that,period!!
Also,'rewarding' them with cash,gifts,indulging them, etc, etc...this is what i have witnessed DH doing,and again,it is only teaching them to have warped expectations,and sense of 'i can have what i want,when i want it,and i deserve it'....it's very unhealthy,and i think it stunts the growth of a healthy,rewarding relationship all round.One day,maybe he will tire of their demands and decide that he is entitled to be happy with you,when he does,he may just find that his adult kids will resent him so much for this,that it will ruin his own relationship with them.Our DH's have no one else to blame but themselves.

It is so confusing to me

It is so confusing to me Cookies...I have never been a mother but to me it's just common sense - you don't give in to your children when they are little because they will become spoiled and they need to be taught values etc so why on earth would this be acceptable behavior as adults??? I'm not even a parent and I understand the rules and mostly because my parents were strict but fair. My brother and I were not deprived as children, we didn't need anything that my parents could not give us but we were not spoiled at all. We were taught to work hard and to earn things if we really wanted them. The shopping, spending money, etc...so confused by this behavior and I know that it's the guilty daddy thing but like you...I wonder when this will stop. He has already shown signs that he is tired of trying to please everyone and walking on eggshells with all parites but my comment to that is - EVERYONE in this situation must acknowledge the importance of the relationships and this absolutely includes them respecting that you WILL be in this relationship and they will not be able to guilt you out of it and try to sabotage it. He does get sick of them complaining about it and that has just about run it's course at this stage. I'm hoping the longer I ignore his comments about his kids and the more I appear not to care he will realize that it's not worth it to keep protecting them and putting our relationship at risk in the meantime. You are absolutely correct...he is (at least partly along with BM) responsible for these adults' behavior. I know at some point he will have to cut them off and then...they are NOT going to be happy about that. I'm thinking we will see their true colors when that day arrives!