Update to DH's email...
So, I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I'm going to admit that when DH or I talk to our exes we put the phone on speaker phone. There are two main reasons for this. One is so that the ex cannot email the other partner later trying to say that stuff went on that didn't (yeah, we've had this happen) but the BIGGEST reason is that it eliminates us from having to rehash the other side of the conversation and trying to remember what all was said. If anybody thinks this is wrong, fine, whatever. It works for us and that's all we care about.
BM: "Why are you attacking me?" (This was the first thing out of her mouth.)
DH: "When did I attack you?"
BM: "In your message, I felt like you were attacking me."
DH: "How did you consider my email an attack?"
BM: "Because you were accusing me of not helping to take care of our daughter so I feel defensive."
DH: "Ooooookay...... I wasn't ACCUSING you of anything. You DON'T help take care of our daughter."
BM: "That's not fair because I bought her 3 outfits last Christmas and 2 outfits and a pair of shoes over the summer."
DH: "Uhhhhhhh, Okay.......... how did that help when she didn't bring them home?"
BM: "Well I sent them with her. Sure, we couldn't find them at first but I made SURE that we DID find them and then I put them in her bag myself."
DH: "Well, they didn't make it here."
BM: "Well I don't know what happened then."
DH: "The other thing, I just wanted to remind you that you are the one responsible for the transportation for your visit."
BM: "Yeah I know."
Long pause after that....
DH: "You don't send any child support, you don't provide anything... why?"
BM: "I haven't received the papers in the mail yet and I'm waiting for them before I pay any."
DH: "So, let me get this straight, you haven't helped at ALL with our daughter the last two years because you need a judge to tell you to?"
BM: (past her stutters) "Uh well, yeah.... also because I don't have a checking account and neither does Sdad."
DH: "Okay, nevermind."
BM: "What do you mean?"
DH: "Just what I said... nevermind. I say this to you because I understand now."
BM: "You understand WHAT exactly?"
DH: "I understand that just because our daughter doesn't live with you, you feel as though it is not your responsibility to help provide for her. Therefore my wife has volunteered to take on a part time job to take up YOUR slack. I told her that I didn't think she would have to do THAT because I thought you would be willing to help provide for your own daughter but I see that I overestimated you."
BM just pretty much stuttered at this point and DH hung up. We haven't heard back from her. I figure whatever. What's the point in being angry? It's not going to MAKE this BM be a mother. Nothing is. I feel sorry for SD9. That she was born to such a selfish hog.
I WILL help to make sure she has everything she needs and I have vowed to be the best SM to SD9 that I possibly can be. I know it will never make up for her mother but at least when she becomes an adult she won't HAVE to bitter.
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Comments
You're doing a good thing!
You're doing a good thing!
Haha, I feel the same way
Haha, I feel the same way about BM's voice. She sounds like droopy on the phone... like her cheeks get in the way of her talking. lol
Awww, thanks but it is I who feels lucky to have a pretty good SD and not one of the ones I've read about on here. I mean SD has her moments but what child DOESN'T? She gets consequences for her bad behavior and then she's fine after that. Typical kid. So it is I who is thankful.
My husband and i put speaker
My husband and i put speaker phone on too when we talk to BM but thats hardly ever cause we hate her.
Why would you think you would
Why would you think you would be flamed for this??? I think it is beyond wise to use the speakerphone so you and DH can both hear the same thing and if one of you is taking it the wrong way or needs a second opinion, the other can offer a more objective point of view. We also have a crazy, inept BM who, if we didn't insist on everything in writing through email would walk all over us. No thank you! Protect yourself.
And your BM sounds like ours, too. Doesn't pay shit for skids unless court ordered and then it takes months to actually get the payment.
I never know WHAT I'm going
I never know WHAT I'm going to get flamed for by certain people on this site. There has really only been one woman following my last few posts and flaming me for everything.
DH and I are HONESTLY trying to work with BM though. We are NOT PASing SD nor is he with holding any visits. Quite the contrary actually, he's trying to encourage her to have MORE to do with SD but she just thinks he's attacking her so whatever. We tried and that's all we can do...
It's her way of shifting the
It's her way of shifting the blame to you or DH. Its how she continues to refuse to take responsibility for her own actions.
When she says "you are attacking me" it takes the focus off of "BM doesn't support her kiddo" and puts the blame on mean, bad DH who is just out to get her, and you, who is obviously DHs evil accomplice. It's just her way of reenforcing her crap. It only makes sense in the alternate reality that crazy BMs live in.
I wish DH and I had done the
I wish DH and I had done the speakerphone thing - He could never remember enough for me to even haev a clue as to what was going on. But he's really that way with everything - If I don't ask about something specifically, I don't know about.
I'm so glad that your SD has you in her life.
I am glad that, in the early
I am glad that, in the early years before we got the "no contact" order, I never had to hear BM on speakerphone. I think I would have completely blown a gasket.
Now, we never hear from her except to get court papers. It is really nice and soothing...
At one point for us, the
At one point for us, the Judge told us to tape record ALL phone calls in case we needed to bring them before the Judge. His words were: "If you know that there is the possibility that I'm going to hear your phone calls, then maybe you will be nicer to each other." We have so many tapes recorded now. At one point my friend typed everything up from the tapes because we were headed to court, and we took the tapes to the lawyer's office where they sat waiting for BM's lawyer to come listen to them. At least we will have them for the future if SS ever wants to really hear how BM treated us.
SS lives with us now, and he knows how she really is, so it's not like anything on those tapes will ever be a surprise to him.