Already started to disengage; Frustrating behavior
Technically the weekend was ok. I went out for a very nice dinner with FH and we went to see Saw 3D for Halloween. I made chocolate chip cookies; this seems to AMAZE FSS12 since his mom never really bakes or cooks from scratch so he loves them. FH and FSS ate them till they felt sick...did I get a thank you? NO. But at least I know it made them happy so that should be good enough.
Saturday FH and his grandfather took FSS fishing with them for the day. This normally would have been a great "boys day out" to bond and do manly things...BUT FSS just went back to school on Friday after being suspended for 10 days. He is STILL supposed to be grounded by BM. Since last weekend FH didn't bother reprimanding or punishing FSS for what he had done and instead let him play video games all weekend (and then told ss to LIE to his BM about it)I didn't really expect him to acknowledge the grounding this weekend either. I also assumed that FH did not mention to BM that FSS would be fishing this weekend because I know she would have been against it. Of course I find out that when FH asked Bm to make sure FSS packed jeans to where for the weekend (to wear fishing) he said the reason was because Fss was going to "learn how to use the weed eater". I am soooo annoyed by the lying - even if it is to BM!!! UGH.
I bit my tongue again all weekend. I didn't ask questions and when I was given information I tried to let go in one ear and out the other but of course it still bothers me. Again, why FH thinks it's ok to reward terrible behavior is beyond me. Then I have FH telling me how the fishing trip was sooo great and how those time with FSS are so memorable and FSS really talks to him and opens up alot....and then I feel bad for being so judgemental. Sigh.
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I can see how that would be
I can see how that would be frustrating but you did a great job at the disengaging part. It will get easier
Thanks. I hope it does get
Thanks. I hope it does get easier.
I have a really low tolerance for lying and I feel like if FH is lying to BM and teaching his son to lie to BM whats to say they don't lie to me or won't in the future.
This is a little concerning
This is a little concerning because if FH is teaching SS to lie to BM, what does he think SS will do to him? Manipulating the truth in order to get/do what they want is not a good trait to instill in kids - they learn this easy enough on their own.
You might want to consider saying something to FH about it -- and not even so much from your perspective, but from the perspective of if he does it to BM, what is stopping him from lying to FH? or you?
Enforcing BM punishments is difficult and something that my DH and I have experienced. It's supposed to be a joint effort in supporting each other in establishing and enforcing punishments. If SS got a punishment from FH, would BM enforce it at her home? It's a two way street and no good can come from it. Yeah, they have memories, but they're a little tainted knowing BM had to be lied to in order to do what they wanted. Odd.
FH knows exactly where I
FH knows exactly where I stand when it comes to lying. He also knows where I stand in regards to whats going on with FSS so at this point I am NOT saying anything to him. FH will have to experience the consequences of his LACK of actions with FSS when the time comes.
As for the punishment from BM - FSS was suspended from school for 10 days for beating up 2 kids and stealing a bike. A police report was filed but thankfully the parents of the other kids decided not to press charges. I am VERY dissapointed in FH for NOT addressing these issues. I don't care if he doesn't want to follow BM's punishment but for FH to ignore this behavior and take FSS fishing? GRRRRRRR. They lie to BM so she doesn't know that FH is playing the "good guy" while she is the bad guy....she doesn't need any help looking like the bad guy but for ONCE she is actually doing the right thing.
"FH will have to experience
"FH will have to experience the consequences of his LACK of actions with FSS when the time comes." ---> Spoken like someone who has truly disengaged.
As another poster said, it will get easier with time. But it sounds like you are doing a great job of distancing yourself from the drama. Keep up the good work!
Thank you! I'm getting
Yes, I don't appreciate
Yes, I don't appreciate lying either. Telling your FH that becuase of his lying behaviour with BM concerns you due to hte fact that you don't want to be lied to ever is not overstepping in my opinion. Your concern over hte matter has nothing to do with your FSS but more to do with your relationhip with FH.
Agreed, the lying's gotta
Agreed, the lying's gotta stop. MY SO sort of does it, too, and it makes me crazy. His kids are liars and thieves, and now I'm starting to see where they get it. We had a talk about it this weekend while we were away camping, which he hid from the skids (essentially lying). He won't tell them we are doing something fun because then they get hurt for not being invited. They don't get invited, because their behavior runs our fun. It's like a vicious circle. I think it's time for him to let them know why we prefer to go places without them, and maybe they will rethink their behavior.
"His kids are liars and
"His kids are liars and thieves, and now I'm starting to see where they get it."
This is what bothers me the most I think. That FSS behaves this way is bad enough but to realize that he is practically encouraged by his father makes me wonder about FH.
I just don't feel like arguing about it or discussing my POV about how to handle FSS anymore because it's obviously a waste of time 0 which is why I need to continue to disengage. BUT, I feel soooooo annoyed the whole time I because I am still thinking about it and fuming about it.
It's hard, huh? I sometimes
It's hard, huh? I sometimes think I'm starting to lose interest in my SO after seeing how he really is as a father. I've already told him that I'm going to start trying to disengage from the skids, and my reasons why. I'm afraid I'm also going to end up disengaging from my SO, too, tho :jawdrop:
That's EXACTLY how I feel. I
That's EXACTLY how I feel. I have trouble seperating the 2 versions of FH - The fiance and the Dad. Some people think I should be able to see past the parent side of him and some people think that the type of parent he is should be just as important in judging his character. I guess I want to be able to ignore the bad things and focus on the good things? :?
I didn't tell FH that I'm disengaging. I figure either he wil catch on or it won't bother him that I don't try to "push" him into addressing things when he rather stick his head in the sand.
I'm sorry you're going through the same doubts as I am about your SO. It sucks.
Can I just say, I HATE LYING!
Can I just say, I HATE LYING! and I hate it when people teach their children to lie! I would rather someone tell me the truth even if I don't like it than to lie. It's like basically saying "I'm going to tell you a lie and you are so stupid that you'll never know"
So not only did your DH lie to BM, he is also setting SS up to have to lie or keep a secret now. Obviously SS is not going to be able to go home and tell BM that he went fishing, so he needs to lie or say nothing. What a horrible position for anyone, much less a child, to be in.
You are not being judgmental. Lying is disrespectful and self serving and you should not feel bad about addressing this with DH!
I'm glad I'm not being
I'm glad I'm not being judgemental. FSS is already headed down a very self destructive path and I think FH is just helping him along rather than help stop the spiral. I've said all I can say to FH about it. All I can do is complain to perfect strangers on ST about it.