VENTING...about it all!!!
To say that I am tired is an understatement. I am a zombie on the break of dawn and I am unsure if I can make it!!
By now everyone knows the drama last week and the continuation of such. Me and FDH are on the brink of what...your guess is as good as mine.
He is the more laid back, not start a fight, let's wait and see, why make waves, type of guy. Though his other side, is the I am pissed you pissed me off and I am done. (yes, from 0 to 90 in 20 seconds or less)!!!
Me is more the type of I have been there done that, don't expect to do it again, so shape up for ship out. I am not the respond type or the worry type, and am good at ignoring and avoiding -- especially if I made an attempt to compromise. I like to get even, get my way, and get going, if and only if my attempts to be a good person are used and abused. If they are not, I am very much interested in your proposal. Overall, my friends say I am very easy to get along with, but you don't want to cross --- ever.. good enough for me,
The past week, FDH and I have been through hell for us, I know most of you like Proud Arrow have it worse or more difficult. I am lucky I guess, we have rough patches here and there but for the most part me and BM get along (as in I make it work get along), but jesus lord there the patches are rough enough to take skin off you ass. And to be honest for the most part, my step daughters are good girls with a bunch of issues I wish I could solve. If I had more time and NO BM!!! wishful thinking again...
Again...just venting...read my blogs I love the girls, love their dad and BM I can deal with if she is acting normal for her.
Ok, so here I am...FDH is pissed..we went to the atty and we discussed all the issues...he is confused, he wears his underwear around the house exposing his crack...I don't know I don't like the situation at this time...I feel my life has been (and I expect it to be) open and honest and without needing to pretend. But when I feel I have to alter my expression because you have had a bad day, please step into my 4 inch heels and tell me the difference between you and me and how I have let you down when all i have promoted is bringing you up and around this horrible corner you called a family with the x and kids....which if you recall i love the kids and bm is well, still bad but we can make her go with the system if FDH will grow some balls and take the chance..
Ok, so here it is...i love FDH to dealth but he is soft, and that is so unattractive and no not me. I am a hard, strong, secure woman, who doesn't need anyone or anything...not just a saying i lived it for a long long time before FDH, but enough of me...FDH is week...soft...unattractive and he seems to find excuses (out of his ass basically) for BM.
Will I always be second best, YES!!! ALWAYS!!
Will I always be concerned for FDH and wonder if he is alright? YES!!! Always!!
Will I alwsy want FDH to stand up and shout out...YES, HELL YES!!!
Will that happen, here and there...maybe not as I would do but I am so tired I can't stand up straight enough to fight the good fight.
Just venting...thinking if this is worth the effort. Worth the daily issuess....Im crossing roads...or am I at the crossroads...
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he is everything I wished
he is everything I wished for...but be careful what you wish for right?
he is a wonderful man, don't get me wrong, just I wish I wish I wish I may that he just find it within himself to say "the risk is worth the fight" the fight may or may not get me any closer to where I was, but at least I know I did my best.
I have spent over 10K maybe even 20K to fight for my daughter and me...I know I hardly talk about that topic. But I am a bm, and I found that to be easy in contrast to being a stepmom,
My daughters father was weathly, he had all his families money to chase me, tawnt me, abuse me and take advantage of me. I fought, even though I was eating cream of wheat every day for 3 years. I did it. Did I WIN?!?! NO!!! I did not, but I tried, I tried and I tried. Me FDH just gives up when he hears $300 an hour...
Maybe we are too different. Maybe we are just at a crossroads.
awwwww! RA!!! you are so
awwwww! RA!!! you are so awesome!!!! It's been a horrible week, especially when you try and try and try and at the end of it all BM is right and you are just...well what would you call me...just a stepmom! That changes her schedule, makes run for the skids, changes everything for FDH and in the end it just doesn't matter with anyone.
As BM put it so plaining on my voice mail...."you are not a SPOUSE you are only girlfriend...you are both interfering with the divorce agreement and I am the SPOUSE:"
technically on the paper she is the wife and the spouse and the mother...but that is on paper...they have been divorce for 2 years. I am made out to be a "girlfriend" when we are engaged to be married -- whenever!!! But I am having my doubts and it sucks...
Sorry...maybe I shoud just read and be quiet...You are right...I am very sad, very hurt, very understanding...because I have done more than my best to help, to talk to BM to be there for the children and no one no one asks about ME!!!
How is Zen doing???? oh, she is reslienet.
Really... that's great!!!
Honestly...Zen is not so good.
By the way Proud Arrow I
By the way Proud Arrow I would take you up on that conversation and drink. It would be good for my soul. Thank you for your kindness.
Zen - you definitely sound
Zen - you definitely sound like you are at a crossroads and are exhausted.
I have a few questions for you... (always)
1. What's the worst case scenario if you fight for everything that you want and don't take no for an answer from DH... can you live with that?
2. What's the worst case scenario if you just let it go, decide that you want to stay in the marriage, accept things as they are, and work on coping and accepting instead of changing and challenging? Can you live with that?
3. What do you ultimately want and desire? And if you can't have that - what's the next best thing? How do you achieve getting the next best thing?
1. Worst case it stays
1. Worst case it stays remains as it is after the fight. We were just informed BM has the best atty in town.
NO from DH is meaningless since he tries to make EVERYONE happy! Except himself.
NO I can not live with that! It's unacceptable to me that someone will allow someone else to treat them badly and then give them whatever they ask for and refuse to fight for their own individual god given rights!!! does it matter if it's 20$ or 40000$?
It doesn't matter to me. I am willing to accept the risk!
2. Let go...not in my nature. I am willing to stay but feel that maybe I am in the wrong place. I can't accept things as they are currently. I am handed everything...and he should be handling it. I can only do so much! I am not WonderWoman though I love her to dealth and wish I was.
So no, not an option. DH needs to make changes, if not as I said tonight "you made you bed are you ready to lay in it"????
3. What I want is peace, quiet, and no BM interfercance. What I desire is more than my dreams. It could be possible here with FDH,but I have been through so much that I expect so much more from others. (my fault to a good).
What;s the next best thing...then next best thing of course!!! life has taught me that the next best thing is the next best thing. Take it love it live it!!! I hold my balls...while others are trying to find theirs!!! Sorry old motto!!
How do I achieve it? by leaving what you thought was the best thing otherwise you will never discover the next. if you stay waiting on the best you have now.
Hope I answered your questions, it's all too confusing if you are not clear and I am half way inbetween both.
I guess Zen that we can only
I guess Zen that we can only really help our DH's change so much. You can teach an old dog new tricks. But you can't teach them all of the ones we want them to learn, you know?
My DH has come a long way, and for the most part, I am happy with most of it. He is not as aggressive as I am, nor as willing to hold BM's ass to the fire as I am, but he eventually comes around. I see a huge court battle looming in our future next year, unfortunately.
Anyway, I guess I have learned that You want your DH to change, but you say that it is not "in your nature" to let it go. Maybe you feel that you have already changed enough, given enough. If you feel that way, maybe you are indeed in the wrong place.
I'm sorry - I don't know if you and your hubby have been in counseling or tried it... but I think that you citing leaving as the best way to achieve peace, is major. Does your husband understand how truly close you are to feeling that way?
I would not contemplate
I would not contemplate leaving at all if it wasn't for BM. Otherwise, everything is perfect. Take away everything, kids, bm, all the issues they bring or create. If it's just he and I we are perfect. Am I done with us? NO, no way. Love him too much. I am very impatient and very stubborn...Gemini or other I am just a spitfire with flames burning back.
In any case, I love him to death. There is a bit of a learning curve and I often think I have been here I short while she was here for 16 years.
I want him to change, in ways that are tough...with the outside world - - with me, be gentle and kind and caring because that is why i love you. But don't be mean and cruel and tough when you give tenderness and love and caring to someone (bm) who does not deserve it.
No honey does not know...we have never been in couseling of any kind. But are signed up (I signed us up) for a call this week. I think he understand that he is acting on quilty feeling with BM and steps(I don't mind the kids, the abusive x yes). So he is making changes. But then again, I am impatient.
Stick I appreciate you insight...I'm thinking it through...I'm here venting tonight...been thru alot thou I realize not as much as most on this site....shame we are feel trapped in one form or another.
I think for the most part we are trying to do right for the kids. To me, it's all about them. Of course, FDH is 1st then kids...Love is a crazy crazy thing....
I'm happy for you Zen - I'm
I'm happy for you Zen - I'm happy that you are venting and that you are also really looking at the fact that you love DH too much to just say "screw this!!"
Eventually, I truly hope that you can come to that place where a lot of us are. BM sucks. She's an idiot. She's immature, selfish, a victim, a manipulator, yadda yadda yadda. But you know what? In the big scheme of things, she doesn't really matter.
Yeah, she's annoying, but so is having your period on date night!! She doesn't get to come between you and your love. She's an obstacle to be overcome, not the obstacle to your happiness.
What finally helped me was realizing that BM truly was seeing what she gave up, was regretting it (as much as she could not admit it), saw me living the life that she wanted - with both her husband and her child, and was acting from anger and jealousy as much as from narcisism (sp?) and selfishness. Even now, when things get tense between my DH and I - BM actually makes me feel united with him, not divided. Because no way in hell would I ever give her that satisfaction.
I hope you can get there. It will free you.
Yes Proud Arrow you are
Yes Proud Arrow you are correct...lack of sleep. I'm working on 3 hours as I type. I decided to have a serious conversation with fdh this morning. Soooooo once again no sleep!
I did mean zombie as in lack
I did mean zombie as in lack of sleep in this post, but can definitely relate to the zombie state proud arrow and maux are defining. I have also been a "zombie" in a previous marriage that was riddled with emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
A big thanks to all the posters who read my vent!!! Today is another day.