Before I answer your post with my own perspective, I would just like to know the answers to the following questions, please.
1. You put a sweetheart of a man in your house with your kids and "you expect them to adjust to your ways and be lovely?"
2. "Did you think it was going to be easy having a strange" man "show up at your home for however the custody battle was settled?"
3. "Did you never hang out with your future mate and" your children "to see how things were?"
4. Did your kids ask that their parents split up?
5. Did they pick YOUR HUSBAND to marry their parent?
6. Did you think about the KIDS before you re-marry????

I can understand how you might not see it from the step-parenting perspective as you aren't one. But, having read your bio, I just find it slightly hypocritical that you would ask these questions of the people here. We can't all see into the future, as I'm sure you understand. And, no, not everyone here has the nicest view of their skids. But, you don't know what's behind that. How do you feel having those questions pointed at you in your situation?

I think she made a wrong turn.

Ivillage is that way ------------>

cm, if your bio about your husband is accurate, you would be better served by a site for abused women. It's not the SD situation that made him that way. And many on here have out of control SKs, even some resorting to violence against children or SMs.

I belive this poster asked all the questions that she had for herself and is trying to project it onto the stepparents.
I take it that she did not do the greatest of jobs teaching her kids respect.

The ladies are all right: its YOUR fault that your kids were in that situation, but I'm going to take it a step further. You most likely played a very large part in this situation by not creating a united front with your husband. You expect him to sit meekly as a grown adult while your kids disrespect him and yet expect him to do for them. Do you seriously think think creates warm, fuzzy feelings in him? Could it be possible that his behavior was a reflection of how he feels he is treated? I don't excuse abusive behavior at all. But let's not sit here and point your finger at stepparents when you have three more fingers pointing right back at YOU.

CrabbyMeMaw...I haven't been a member for very long either, but after taking a few weeks of just reading the posts, I wanted to join because most the parents on this site really do understand how hard it can be to be a step parent...and it's incredibly helpful to me to know that I am not alone. I dated my DH for almost 10 years before I married him. We started dating when my/his daughters' were both 3 and his son was just over a year old. His daughter has had issues her whole life (both his kids are adopted and then her adopted mom just up and left one day). I don't pretend to understand what is going on in SD mind, but I can say that she is one of the rudest, meanest, cruelest, most stubborn kids I know. I also know that because of the way her adopted mom walked out (even though she continued to be an active part in the kids lives), DH feels massive guilt and does not put his foot down at all with SD. I have been put into a lead female role since her mom is a "friend" and not a parent, but this causes SD to resent me. She lies so extravagantly about how I treat her that her mom...not to mention members of DH family have been tempted to contact CPS. I have made her dad take her to therapy and then DH and I even went to sessions separate from SD just so that we could try to be more effective parents. I have tried stepping back, I have tried diving in the middle of it, I have even tried to just hang around on the outskirts. I think I have tried it all-even to the point that my BD and I didn't even move in to DH house when we got married--just so his kids wouldn't feel like I was taking their place with dad. I have said before that I prayed long and hard over the years for guidance and I believe that the good Lord has a plan and a reason for me to be here. I will follow his wishes. However, knowing that I am following where he leads does not help me (mentally) when I have SD and her mom standing in my living room calling me every name they can think of and threatening me with bodily injury. I have always tried to take the higher road (didn't even call the police when this happened), but it's just very difficult...very mentally draining. As a mother, I try to offer the best that I can for all my kids-whether it be bio or step. It's helped me tremendously to know that I am not alone in the fact that no matter what I do...or don't do...my skids may not ever accept me...much less love me.

When I divorced my ex, I never apologized to the kids for changing their life as they knew it. When I married DH, I never apologized for attempting to show them what a healthy relationship can be. I have not overcompensated for bringing people into their life that they didn't choose. Yes, they are learning to adapt to life's challenges in a positive way. I made each of these decisions knowing it would be in their best interest. And in spite of unruly SKIDS and psycho Biomama drama, it still is.

Thus, I did not create little victims that prey upon and manipulate guilt-ridden adults.

I wish BM and DH would have done the same.

wow step talk blew up on me.. removing duplicate.

removed

Walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me.

"Does anybody think about the KIDS before they re-marry????"

Yep. I got married FOR MY child (I would've been happy simply dating and living separately), now I'm reconsidering if this is best (the step-family household dynamics) FOR MY child. As for the SKs, well, they have two parents each to worry about what's best for them, so they don't need me to do so. That said though, no, they were not a consideration for me in my decision to remarry, because not much has really changed for them since I married their father except their father's address (much to my chagrin - which is a BIG part of the problem!)