BM has surgery tomorrow- what's the right thing to do? Seeking advice, suggestions....
Loca Grande goes in tomorrow to have a cyst removed on her thyroid. The doctors will be testing it for cancer. This comes just 7 months after her breast cancer scare. It is also the 5th cancer "scare" in 12 years.
The skids DON'T want to go see her. Princess is 18 and leaves for college in 2 weeks. She and Loca GRande had a falling out in June and have not been on speaking terms since. PITA 16 spent 2 consecutive weeks with her while he was working his job in the town where she lives. He was there when most of this started. They got into a fight when she refused to stop smoking after the doctor told her to, and because she decided not to pay for his braces. He really can't go because he has a sports clinic he has to attend Wednesday or he can't play ball this year. Lazy Boy 14 is usually her strongest ally, but he told me yesterday he just can't do it again. he says it really messed with his head when he spent so much time with her back in January at the hospital and at the house while they were waiting for her results about the lump on her breast.
Loca Grande is crazy and this is just adding to her insanity. She told the kids she didn't want to worry them and didn't want them there.
I feel she is testing them. "If they really love me, they'll come even if I tell them not to..."
She's left me several NASTY messages in the last few weeks. To the point where Loghead called her husband, Gullible, and asked him to make sure NOT to leave a cell phone with her when she is home alone. She did call and apologize (left as a message since I won't answer from any of the three numbers she might use), even though it actually turned nasty at the end.
I'm really torn. I know she's nuts. I am afraid she's just being dramatic and trying to get the skids' attention. Seriously, I feel like I won't believe it if she tells me it is cancer. Fortunately, from what I have researched, thyroid cancer doesn't seem "as bad" as other cancers. And don't cry cancer to me- my mother is a survivor and I wouldn't wish any kind of cancer on my worst enemy. Don't play emotional games with your kids...
But I also worry about what it will do to the skids' minds if they don't go, and it does come back as cancer? Will they be wrought with guilt? Part of me feels like we should force them to see her. If the shoe was on the other foot- if we were the EOW parents and their father was going in for surgery and tests, I would hope she would do everything she could to get the kids to see their father...
We did that in January when she had the breast cancer lumpectomy. I took a day off work to go sit with the skids in the hospital. We let Princess and Lazy Boye miss 2 days of school to be with her...
But she's been really nasty since January. Disowning PITA and then taking him back in, and disowning Princess. Finding out she uses drugs in Princess's room when she's lonely and missing the skids... The list goes on...
So, at the ages of 14, 16 and 18, do we let them decide what they want to do? Or do we push them to go see her simply because she IS their mother, and it's the considerate HUMAN thing to do?
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Last-Wife - I would discuss
Last-Wife - I would discuss it with the kids. I would tell them that I can understand if they don't want to go, but to really think for themselves how they will feel if it comes out to be cancer. Also, I personally think it would be more important for them to be there for the RESULTS appointment, rather than the operation, if they have to choose. Or maybe split it and have 1 skid go to the operation, and another go to the results appointment. Maybe that way Loca Grande gets her support and the kids don't have to do the whole thing. When both my father (2x cancer) and my mom (lymphoma) went in for surgery, they could pretty much tell at surgery that it was cancer, but they still did the biopsy and another appointment to follow up with the course of treatment.
Anyway... I think it is the considerate thing to do. I don't personally believe that kids should just be like "ahh well..." It's not like they are working and can't get away, or live in a different state. They are still children, and just as you said... if it was your DH, you would at least want them there - even if they had to do it 2x in 6 months.
Best of luck.. I know it's difficult, and she's a drama queen (I have followed some of your blogs), but she is their mom, and cancer is SCARY. We all know people who have had it. My dad was very much the kind of patient with a "f*ck it" attitude. My mom was a nervous wreck and thinking she was going to die and really was worried that she could be alone. So it's not just Loca Grande that handles these scares this way. Everyone is different, and needs different support.
Hugs...
I guess I did not make things
I guess I did not make things very clear... In the last 12 years she has had tests run because doctors thought she "might" have cancer. Loca Grande has never actually had cancer. Right after we married, she thought she had ovarian cancer. Then a few years later, she thought she had lung cancer. Twice, she thought she had breast cancer. This last "scare" in January may have been the only real time she may have been sick. It was the first time she ever insisted the kids be at the hospital. In January, she had a lumpectomy, but the tests showed the tumor removed was not cancerous.
Now she has "something" on her thyroid, and goes in tomorrow...
Well, I guess we could look
Well, I guess we could look at the "boy who cried wolf"... but it really comes down to her skids, and if they could handle the guilt she may lay on them IF they found something. Does sound like it's not too much of a possibility, but who's to say.
I still think you should just ask the skids what they want, and to make sure they will be okay with their decision no matter what the outcome. And, if you offer them the chance to split up the responsibility it may make it easier for them to stomach.
I guess her doctors must be aware that she is somewhat of a hypochondriac, but on the other hand, I can't imagine them just telling her to go in for a lumpectomy or for looking at her thyroid and using up their time? I don't know... some people may say they are doing it for the insurance? It's so hard to tell.
Sad story I heard today.... a couple went to a local hospital with a great reputation - and was told NO cancer - since last September. They decided to get another opinion, and found out indeed that one of them does have cancer, and now it is inoperable. There is still hope, but I guess they need to shrink the tumor whatever? So there is massive chemo, etc. I just really think we can never tell.
I know how frustrating BM's can be. Believe me, every time something comes up with BM over here, I automatically go into the "yeah, whatever - Poor BM victim mode" and don't believe it. BUT... sometimes I have to step back and think about it or ask my parents or my sisters for a reality check. (They are usually very good at telling me when I am not being the most sympathetic.)
Maybe you want to ask your DH if he is afraid for BM? Or thinks it could be real?
Funny Steperg, I just wrote
Funny Steperg, I just wrote the same thing about the boy who cried wolf. But you never can tell. Even a biopsy is scary, no matter how many times you have to go for one...