Should I be concerned
My husband & I have a blended family. Recently my husband & my 17 yr old have become very close. At first I saw this as a blessing. I really do want this for her. She doesn't have her father in her life. I have to say that I do trust my husband. This situation is just not setting well with me. Recently they have been having snuggle time a lot. I can't ever seem to get a word in because they are wrapped up with each other. I call home from work to check in & they are snuggling on the couch. My other daughter calles me a while later & I asked about them. She said they are snuggling on the bed. I have never seen either of them touch each other in a sexual way. But i am very uncomfortable with this. I understand the hugs & spending time together. This is what I have wanted for them. I just think they are getting too close physically. Am I over reacting? Should I be concerned that my husband is holding another woman the way he holds me? He doesn't behave this way with any of the other girls. How do I present this in a way that doesn't sould like I am accusing them of doing something unthinkable. If he caught any of our girls with their boyfriend doing the same thing, he would be angry. What should I do?
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i have no advice, but feel
:jawdrop: i have no advice, but feel for what you must be struggling with. i would be setting up nanny cams....
hopefully, somebody here can provide some useful ways to approach this delicate situation..
but, imho 17 is definately a little too old for snuggling with your "father" figure.....
Sorry, but I think something
Sorry, but I think something is going on. Most seventeen year old girls don't even "snuggle" with their biological dads, let alone a man that isn't a blood relative. Snuggling on the bed!!! :jawdrop: The way you describe them, they sound like a couple. I think you need to put a stop to it immediately before something happens, if it hasn't already.
A 17 YO SD snuggling in bed
A 17 YO SD snuggling in bed with her SF or even her birth father - there are so many things wrong with that.
I don't know of a delicate way of telling them....I would speak to your DH and say that you're uncomfortable with it. She is your daughter and you set the rules.
Yikes.
At what age did you marry or
At what age did you marry or start living together?
Exactly what Starfish said
Exactly what Starfish said but ASAP. If you can't put up cameras immediately, you really do need to speak up. You can explain it in private to your husband that since your daughter hasn't had her father in her life, she very well is craving that father/daughter bond but she is also at that awkward age where she is going to have physical, emotional and sexual feelings that she can't explain. You also need to be prepared for how you'll react IF there is anything inappropriate going on. No matter who says what happened or what the cameras may show, even if it was your daughter who initiated anything, ultimately your husband is the adult and the supposed to be parent figure so you need to be prepared to stand up for your daughter even at the expense of your marriage. I know some may say they can work through issues of "infidelity", but damn it, when it is your own child in this type of situation, your child must be FIRST.
I agree with this 100% If
I agree with this 100% If something did happen I would be disgusted to hear that you kicked your daughter out and where trying to work things out with your husband. She is a child. He is an adult. Bottom line.
By law you are not an adult
By law you are not an adult until you are 18. If 17 was very much an adult then you would have all the rights as an adult does. Im not saying she should be upset with her daughter but 17 year old girls are very easily manipulated.
If a 17 year old kills
If a 17 year old kills someone, you are damn sure they will prosecute him/her as an adult NOT a minor. Yes SD is legally a minor but IMO, Minor does not equal child. She is a young woman.
You are correct she is a
You are correct she is a young woman but if its found that her and her step father are intimate he could and should be prosecuted for rape of a minor. Meaning she old enough mentally/emotionally to make the decision to be in a relationship with this man. I just hope its not the case as Im sure we all do. Would be a very hard/trying thing to go through.
steperg, i didn't know you
steperg, i didn't know you lived next door to woody allen...
Agreed with all of the above.
Agreed with all of the above. Get some nanny cams asap. They are relatively inexpensive these days and will help ease your mind (or get the proof you need). I have a few of them in my home and at my beach home - they are terrific!
www.brickhousesecurity.com
I would have said talk to him directly, but since this is such a delicate subject, I tend to think he may get QUITE defensive if you approach him. So get the proof first, then there can be no denying it.
You know the little hairs that stand up on the back of your neck when something doesn't feel quite right? Well, mine are standing up!!! Snuggling on your bed??? RED FLAG WARNING!!!
I would like to read more of
I would like to read more of your blogs and to share my thoughts with you
I can't even
I can't even imagine........don't even want to think about it :O
I would be inclined to
I would be inclined to approach the 17 yr old and take her out to coffee, and bring it up casually. Also adding that you are not comfortable with her being so close with her SD and would prefer them to tone down the affection...you will soon see if something more intense is going on by the way she reacts or over reacts. Just a thought. Could encourage her to spend more time with her peers and in that way not be alone with SD too much. Uusual situation, as kids that age are usually out with friends, at parties etc etc.
I would really be peed off and action must be taken & soon!
Good luck
MG
If they just recently became
If they just recently became so close...was there an event or did something happen that brought them closer together, or did they just start snuggling one day & every day after?
I have to say, I would find it unnerving & completely wrong for a grown man who is supposed to be a father-figure to this girl to be snuggling with her. IMO, your husband should not be lying down anywhere...couch, bed, ANYWHERE with his 17-year old stepdaughter.
I am absolutely certain that
I am absolutely certain that he has not hurt her. I am equally sure that she would never do anything that would hurt me. I have prayed that they have a close relationship. I believe this would be good for both of them. She needs a dad. His daughter's treat him like crap. I just don't believe that snuggle time is appropriate. I believe it sends the wrong message to her that if it is ok to do this with Dad then it is OK to do this with the boy who says he loves me. I also know that she is a beautiful well developed young woman. I don't want my husband holding any other woman like that. That is my place nobody elses. He would feel the same if he had a son.
He confronted me last night. He said that he could tell I was jealous of them. I guess he is right. I want their closeness. I just don't agree with snuggle time. He said that father/daughter is different than boyfriend relationship. He said that we are setting a bad example to her. So then we can't show affections either. We have to be consistant. Well I don't agree with any of that.
I also spoke to my daughter. She said she understands. She is a great kid. I believe her too.
I am not sure what to do now. I have asked him to go with me to our Pastor. He refused. Please let me know what I should do. I will never condone that behavior.
"He said that we are setting
"He said that we are setting a bad example to her. So then we can't show affections either. We have to be consistant."
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WHOA! There is ABSOLUTELY NO reason you & your husband cannot be affectionate in front of your daughter. Your daughter is 17-years old. She is old enough to understand that she doesn't get the same affection from your husband that you get from your husband. Being consistant??? His relationship with her is an ENTIRELY different relationship than the one he should have with you...his wife.
It is not setting a bad example to show affection for your spouse in front of your children. It helps them learn about what marriage is supposed to be about. Partners love each other & they make a point to show that love to one another. It keeps a strong bond. Kids should know that. Kids are also taught that what's appropriate between mom & dad is very different from what's appropriate between kid & mom/dad.
I don't know of anyone, aside from your husband, who would ever expect you condone or accept that behavior.
If he won't see your Pastor with you, talk with your Pastor alone. You can put it to your husband just that way. Give him the option to go. If he doesn't want to go, let him know it's something you have issues with it that you need to speak with the Pastor about so you can have peace.
i'm still with getting a
i'm still with getting a nanny cam
Banta, you need to stop this
Banta, you need to stop this now.
Your DH's response to your concerns is bullcrap - he is trying to blame you for his inappropriate behavior. This "Snuggle Time" is wrong on some many levels and he is trying to make YOU feel bad? :jawdrop:
C'mon Banta - you know that something's not right. Maybe nothing has happened - YET but it could if you continue to allow this. MY DH loves loves loves his daughter and they use to snuggle on the couch when she was younger but he taught his daughter what was appropriate affection between them and what was not. That is called parenting. Today, they hug and kiss each other on the cheek - no snuggling.
If your DH won't go to your priest then you go ASAP.
Please let us know what happens.
What was his reasoning for
What was his reasoning for not going to see the pastor,it had better have been a good one :?
He approached you....which
He approached you....which means one thing...HE KNOWS WHAT HIS BEHAVIOR IS AND HE KNOWS IT IS WRONG.
he did not need to be told...he knows exactly what the problem is. what is that? GUILT.
I am sorry...you say you know he would not hurt her...you cannot KNOW that.
snuggling at that age is BEYOND inappropriate. My god, my SD10 and her dad don't even snuggle...she gets mad if he comes on her side of the couch...never mind cuddle in a bed.
I realize you do not want to face the reality of this problem, as it is huge, but you must.
I can't imagine a 17
I can't imagine a 17 snuggling with her own Father let alone her Step Father. That is completely innappropriate and I would be concerned and uncomfortable. I think you should have a serious talk with both your daughter and husband about this. They should both know that what they are doing is not considered normal. She is a developing young woman and he should know better than to cross those lines. Your husband does not want to be affectionate with you in front of your daughters? That goes against everything I have ever heard. Parents SHOULD in fact be affectionate in front of their children, within boundaries of course. It sounds like he has some very twisted ideas. I feel for you and I hope you can come to some sort of solution.