What to do about maturing SD
Hi folks,
I know I don't post much, but I am so appreciative of everyone here. I worry about BM finding this site, and I don't want to cause any ruckus between BM and FH so I try to keep a low profile and learn through reading. And, please know that many of you live in my heart and prayers....
My soon-to-be-SD11 is (shockingly!) 11 years old. My BF told me her mother was traumatized as a young girl because her mother never told her about the facts of life. Apparently, BM learned about menstruation by having it happen to her a-la "Carrie." :jawdrop: Now, I don't want SD to have that kind of experience, but neither do I want to step on BM's toes here. To add to the challenge, I've been on an IUD for the past 1 1/2 years, and (woo hoo! happy day! life is fabulous!!!) haven't had a period since so I don't keep pads, tampons, etc. in the house.
In case you're wondering if dad can talk to mom about this, dad NEVER voluntarily talks to mom, and mom NEVER contacts dad if she can avoid it. They email about visitation issues, and occasionally about school issues, and that is it.
Anybody have any insights into how to handle this? I'm thinking I should probably get a small stash of pads, panty-liners, and junior tampax, but my big question is how to go about approaching the topic at all? Should I? Or should I wait for her to come to me? There's no way in heck I can push this one back to dad; dad is in most respects fabulous (no disney-dadding, focused on what's best for his kids, supporting, etc.) but he freaks at the thought of his daughter having girl-parts (very Catholic, very repressed. Besides, I know I'd've freaked if my dad had been the one to try to teach me about the birds and the bees!).
Any and all help and insight is greatly appreciated!!!
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Comments
Has she had "the talk" at
Has she had "the talk" at school? Our school does it in 4th grade. At least she won't be shocked when it happens if she's gotten the information at school. And if she has had the talk, I'd take her to the store to have her help pick out what she wants to have at your house.
I don't know, and I know if I
I don't know, and I know if I ask, then I'm gonna have to finish the conversation....so by asking, I'm pretty much committing myself to the whole delightful discussion. Kinda feels like a crap-shoot, and I'm a horrible gambler... :sick:
The suggestion of taking her to the store, tho, is fantastic. I hadn't thought of that! thanks!
I get that. Maybe you could
I get that. Maybe you could just say "hey SD, have you had the talk at school about what happens to girls' bodies when they get older? No? Maybe you should ask you mom about periods (so she knows what to ask about). After you've talked to your mom, let me know if you have any questions and I'll be happy to talk to you about it."
Of course, that's easier said than done, I know. I'd be surprised if they hadn't already talked about it in school. though. I think I was in 4th grade, like 25 years ago, when we had the talk.
Wow! I was in fourth grade a
Wow! I was in fourth grade a looooooong time before that
I believe that makes me old 
That's actually a great suggestion, if I can stick to it. I'd probably cave, though, if she asked questions. I'm not one to beat around bushes, and tend to tell the truth. When soon-to-be SS15 asked about the octo-mom (she was on the news while we were up skiing one weekend), I got that "deer-in-headlights" look, turned to dad, and asked, is this something you want me to explain to him? Dad said tell him the truth, so there I was, in my BF's Catholic parent's mountain cabin, explaining to his son (from a broken marriage) about in vitro fertilization techniques and how this woman ended up pregnant with multiple embryos. I can do the explanation part; it's just disturbing to me to have that level of responsibility for kids that aren't mine!!!
IMO, rather tick off the BM
IMO, rather tick off the BM than have something traumatizing happen to your SD. Maybe you should check to see if she is taking/has taken a "health" class at school. They go over that information in most of those classes. Then, maybe you can have a little chat with her about how fast she's growing up and how scary of a time that was for you because of all the changes that you go. "blah blah, I remember when I started my cycle, I remember when I got my first bra..". Then let her know that she can talk to you about anything if she has any questions.
Note, I have no children, therefore this may be horrible advice. But that is what I would do.
I don't have any children
I don't have any children either, which is why I'm in such a dither over this
She hasn't talked about any "health" classes in school, but we only have her EOW so it's entirely possible she wouldn't bring it up. I think she may talk to me if I approach the subject correctly. I think you're suggestions are good ones, though, and in the end you're absolutely right: SD is more important than BM.
Hmmm...I had the same class
Hmmm...I had the same class in 4th grade...so did my sister who is a year older. My mother NEVER talked to either of us about it. My sister freaked and began crying when it happened to her. I was actually at a hotel at the beach w/my parents, their friends and tons of kids our age. It happened and i didn't worry one bit. Asked my mom for money for a food and went to the hotel store and got my stuff. My mother found out about two or three months later. Now i was always independent, didn't ask my parents for help w/homework, etc. My sister asked my parents for advice and help all the time. I think it dependa on her personality. If she is clingy, I would email the BM and tell her "as your daughter is approaching X, I want to be sure i have what she needs and what you aporove of here in case it happens while she is with us. Please ley me know what i should buy". If she is not clingy i would wait until then or email the BM.
PS my non-church going mom tríes to give me the bird and bees talk at 22...the night before I got married...hehe...I spared her the talk...hehe
PS if you don't want to write
PS if you don't want to write BM, get her the book "The Care and Keeping of You", American Girls books...I got it for both my DH's daughter and my niece...GREAT book and you won't really be intruding, but she'll have great info...both girls loved the book...couldn't put it down...it talks about many subjects incl. hair, looking pretty, blah, blah...and menstruation...
If you haven't already, you
If you haven't already, you can open the door with talking about greasy hair and zits and ask her if she prefers a special product for you to stock... noxema vs. nutragena, shampoos,(razors?)etc...
Or take her grocery shopping, stop in the personal products department ask her if she needs any of these items yet... and just say, let me know when you do. She might say no, how will I know? Then do what abalyn recommends... well talk with your mom, and I am also here if you need me.
It is good that you are this one...Even though my girls had the talk, they were embarrassed to tell their dad to stock the house, and embarrased to bring it over... I just placed a couple in their back pack and told them they should always have a least one at all times. I called their father and told him which kind to purchase... told the girls when they need more just throw them in the cart like they do with junk food.
Oh, I like this approach.
Oh, I like this approach. I'm really reticent to contact the BM, as the whole relationship between BF and BM is so volatile. I've almost never spoken to her, except for a few social niceties at SS's jr. high graduation and the occasional breezy "hi!" when she picks up the kids. I just don't want to contact her and find I've opened up a whole can of worms. This way, SD gets the info she needs and I don't have to run the risk of contacting the BM and stirring up a hornet's nest.
I had a "talk" with SD when
I had a "talk" with SD when she was 5. Not about period or sex, but I explained to her what the real names of her private parts are (she had never heard of them) and encouraged her to call them by their real names. I also talked to her about what is acceptable "touching" and what is NOT acceptable. Also, about what she should do if she is touched inappropriately and such.
Almost a year after that talk, BM asked DH if we had talked to SD about male and female private parts because she seemed knowledgable when she tried to talk to her about that.
I did that because of my own SD's safety, I want to make sure that she understands that nobody is supposed to touch her private parts, and she should not show them to anybody that asks, unless is a doctor and with either DH, BM or myself in the room.
Anyway, As far as "the talk" goes, If I think is getting "too late" I would send an email to BM asking her if she has had the talk, and if she hasn't, ask her if she would rather have it herself, or maybe she is ok with you talking about it.
I know for sure, that I would like to talk about it with my daughter for the first time, so I wouldn't like anybody talking about it first.