I feel my participation on this site is what some fear--one of the lurkers. But here's food for thought: it's not my place to judge or be judged for why I'm here or why anyone is here for that matter. I heard the "get out-it's not going to get better". Until I was more financially stable I couldn't-where I live is a rural community and there aren't a lot of options for help here. I would probably be one of those bm's some of you gripe about without knowing my circumstances.

So-not that you're entitled to know but here goes. My ex and I were married for 14yrs when we divorced. We were separated for almost 3 and a half before we divorced. He was moved out for a year when we came together (the end result being my most adorable 5yr old). I stayed angry the first year he was gone-and even thru my pregnancy which surprises me that my 5yr old is so even-tempered. We did counseling-had a marriage counselor tell me that he had a girlfriend and I should just learn to deal with it. Sure, enough I did-I had my toddler, raised my big kids and put shut of him. CS was ordered of him-he paid some; to date he is $24K+ in the hole to his children-not me, them. You see that is one of the differences in griping about a bm and what they think they are owed. How many of them can prove to you, SO, DH, BF-that they don't: buy themselves clothing, get tanned, or get their nails done with even a smidge of the CS to be paid? I have always told my ex anytime he wants receipts for what I spend their money on feel free to ask me. To many of you, what he owes me monthly may seem over the top, but be advised there was a CS worksheet done on with of our incomes (wow, surprise surprise) unlike the one he left me for I can hold down a job long-term because it is for my kiddos and he owes $1,200/monthly toward maintaining the lifestyle they were accustomed too. OK folks--little stumbling block--don't recall that the lifestyle involved steps of any sort, but tis the way things go unfortunately. Mine ran off his girlfriend by the grace of just being bored kids and a toddler who spilled things. My fault? He asked if I condoned their behavior when they were with him. My response--"their behavior in your space is your problem, not mine". I did not wilfully ever suggest my kids go about to his home behaving like they'd lost their minds, but what he failed to realize is that he spent their childhood not participating in raising them; they equated that to absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. That he thought he could just decide to tell them what to do after 10 and 12 yrs respectively was not what seemed right to them. They even told him so-and the little one spilling things? Really? Always told me to my face they were going to untie her tubes so they could have a child together and my little one spilling things was so uncouth to them--ugghh.

He presented me with divorce papers on my birthday in 2003-I'm guessing that made him feel better to tear me down day at a time, but remember karma is a biotch ya'll. Kids and I went to the court-ordered "divorce classes"; he refused-said if he didn't go we couldn't get divorced? Oh the mind games these DH's play before they become someone else's problem In between time I had an estate to clear up, kids to raise and to attempt to put together a life inclusive of just my standard baggage without completely falling apart. My mother suggested that the ex wasn't waiting for me-dating around---why she wanted to know? couldn't I. So then I did--I met a fellow while clearing up said estate we dated for nearly a year, but he had a couple of pretty major flaws--he drank more than I liked, "smoked" alot and the running joke was always what rock he was crawling under when he would "disappear" for a couple of weeks at a time. I looked around in between time and met some other real "characters" to say the least. Then one fateful morning in February 2006 I got an IM from a fellow from one of the dating sites I was cruising. Our first date was St Paddy's Day that year. I finally got the courage and the money to divorce my ex husband, but not without a confrontation. To have been a fly in the vicinity anyone who has ever had to cross their fingers hoping someone either would or would not get their lights punched out in defense of you....well it's something to behold when it turns out your defender was going to pummel a dimwit-just didnt seem like it wouldhave been fair fight-I'd have laughed though. Kids' dad steams toward mine and ostrich's vehicles just full of himself and says to ostrich "what right do you have being with my wife?" Wow, laughable answer from ostrich "I don't think she's been your "wife" for about 3 yrs now." Kids' dad is ready to fight and ostrich asks me to watch skids for him and invites dad for a ride to "discuss" things. One mood swing down--2 more to go. Since that tact didn't work he then tries, "well, has she told you why she hasn't divorced me yet?" Here, is where you can waggle your self-righteous fingers at me or shake your heads over the answer. I tell ostrich "because I am afraid he won't pay the bills". Could have scooped dad up at this point because I guess he thought John-boy would head back to the hills after that answer--mood swing number 2. Now, for number 3. He now says to ostrich, "she's a good woman and I did her wrong. Are you going to take care of her?" Ostrich tells him of course he is he loves me That was in April 2006-I then filed for divorce and it was final in June. Back to court in September for visitation/CS. He was ordered to pay, but by the grace of the money-grubbing witch he lived with-he paid nothing. I moved to the country to be with ostrich and I felt/feel that it was a good move for my kids; though traumatic I'm sure, but I couldn't afford where we were and was left with no options-oh except the one where i give him custody of the kids and he'd let me see them whenever i wanted. Yeah................no. It was near the end of 2008 when the county attorney finally said when he was only $14K in the hole, that it was time to make an example out of him and sent him to jail for 2 months-the rest to be probated providing he became gainfully employed, maintained knowledge of his whereabouts and wrote his checks to the state weekly. It was nearly summer before I saw the first dime in over a year and a half. That was just barely a year ago and now he has taken a lesser paying job and pays me less than half a month what he owes me. I have been silently gathering my paperwork for another go round hoping that it leads to directly garnishing his pay so that I am not left hanging in the balance so much juggling our finances from week to week. So, far I am doing so by the way with absolutely NO handouts or help from any agencies or friends or family. Pat on the back? NOPE--I am a mom. The older 2 will tell you they know who didn't "leave" them. The little one just is The older ones know it seems when to ask mom for things and when to just table it. What else do I tell them, but I'll see what I can do? "Go ask your father?" Yeah, thats gotten us far. But actually when he finally was held to the court agreement and mad eto pay-the kids and I packed our things. Everything at ostrich's place was escalating out-of-control and things were not improving. No one talking about how things needed/should be except the grownups and he really just thought things should be fair for his kids. Mine had chores, responsibilities-shouldn't his have had that too? Seemed plenty fair to me. Then we moved--for him it has been the most depressing year ever-for me before that it was the last 3 yrs. He has no stability taking care of his children, maintaining his home, etc. Not my problem-seems to me it should have been something he picked up on say 20 yrs or so ago? We talked, cried, fought and came to this conclusion-separate our homes and work on this from the outside. So far, it has been a lonely year except for my kiddos, my job, and a few friendly outings. He promised that the 4 mile distance would not be our undoing-but this said I have a blind date this weekend. After being told by another fellow he could not date a mom with kids still at home. My 18yr old son's observation to that? He said "mom, I don't think it ws a knock on your mom capablities so much as against us kids." He proceeds to explain his comment saying he thinks it's so they don't have to get them (kids) anything. Of course, my thought was a naughty one which I kept to myself---lol about why. Is he right? I don't know. I just know that right now I have bben thru so much with John-boy I think it's time for a change of scenery-new friends, new beau, something. Not ajealousy tact by any means just a means to a new beginning.

NONE of my history gives me the right to "lurk" but with things as they have been and seem to continue being here with no sign of changing I am just comfortable lurking and reading posts to see that my life has been in the crapper at times but somedays not as badly as other people's lives. For those worried about their safety on the world wide wonder--I ask: why are you here? There were a couple of people on here I thought I had a small connection with but without being asked anything of me specifically I was "grouped" as untrustworthy, intrusive?, spiteful? I really don't know except to be told I cant be connected to you because of my friendships.

Ladies and (gentlemen) I am NO angel-just ask my mother. Nor am I raising any angels--they didn't come with those directions; or any for that matter. But for the most part I keep my act together enough to fool the world at large and I make mistakes-obviously or I wouldn't be divorced firstly nor living on my own again away from dbf secondly if I had done no wrong. To apologize in any way for my kids' existing, anything I may say or do or even what they say or do--give me a reason when you will judge, jump to conclusions etc about each situation without knowing all there is to it. I can "own" alot that I do and naerly readily apologize for my wrongdoing but I will never apologize for my life

I feel an apology is warranted if some undue harm has been rendered; though it is pretty much just our society nowadays that near anything said seems to have dual meanings. I feel it is harder and harder to say what I mean and mean what I say--though I sure do give it a mighty effort.

By the way, no comment necessary-where would you even start???