Last week I sent a letter to BM. In 5 years I have only had to communicate with her 3 times. That was limited to receiving medicine and small talk. She has started to undermine my husband with the kids and telling them to keep secrets from their Dad. I sent the following letter over to her and she blasted DH with Voicemails and an email and then nothing since. SD14 announced over the weekend that she no longer was going to live here and there was nothing that DH could do about it. The kids left on Monday for their week with their mom. We are now in waiting mode to see if she comes back next Monday. If not, then we will have to start the process with court. We think that her and SD14 have been planning and discussing it for awhile. When SD14 got in trouble she may have preempted BM's plans by telling DH this.

Quick Background: BM new DH BD15 was expelled for getting Drunk in HS. She was only enrolled for two weeks when this happened. Also previous BD19 was also expelled a few years ago and now lives with her mom because she was too much for her Dad. DH went back to court at that time to ensure his kids were never alone with this girl. They were not married at the time. Read past blogs for more.

BM –

Please know that for me to feel a need to communicate with you in any way; I have to be extremely upset. I am so enraged right now over all of the issues that have been going on with your children; that this is the only way that I can communicate with you without it escalating.

Over the last five years my need to communicate with you has been non-existent. My involvement was never needed. Now things seemed to have changed and I no longer have confidence in that. After this is resolved I would like to go back to the way things were and let the communication continue to go between the parents as it should be.

Yesterday was my breaking point. When my son came to me last month with this secret that SS11 told him, he was so distressed over it, that I was worried as well as grateful that he was being protective of his step-brother. DH asked you not to tell SS11 that BS15 betrayed his confidence. You told SS11, therefore undermining their relationship to save yourself. They have a good relationship and one that my son is proud of. I can’t believe that another mother would do this.

My son’s losses in his life have been rather significant. He lost a brother and has always wanted another one. So I don’t say this lightly that this relationship is important to him. He is wonderful with SS11. They have a bond that hopefully will go into their adult years.

My son has been taught never to keep a secret from me or any parent. I am proud of my son for telling us what SS11 said. To have my son crying last night because SS11 told him he betrayed him by “telling” was too much for me. He stood there and asked his stepfather to do something. “That all of this is wrong. This has to stop now.” No child should be involved in adult issues. I want my son to understand that these issues are not his problem. We are the adults and we will handle it. Unfortunately, he has seen that the adults are causing the issues and they are not handling it.

A male father figure is the most important role model for a young man. My son has not had that for many years. He has that now with DH. You are changing that relationship. You do not have the right to affect my child’s relationships. He is now questioning why DH would continue to allow his children to keep secrets and lie to him. This is not his issue, but by telling SS11 to lie to his father, you have made it my son’s problem.

We don’t tell lies and we don’t keep secrets. Nothing good ever comes from keeping these kind of secrets. I was raised in a household that kept secrets. So as a mom, I have made sure to convey to my son that I am his safety net and he should always feel that he can tell me anything. By your encouraging your children to lie and keep secrets from their father, you are encouraging them that rules can be broken no matter what the consequences are. You are changing who they are and who they can be by doing this. As well as saying that what DH feels is inconsequential in their lives. What you are doing is referred to as PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome. I suggest that you research it and understand that this has long term affects on your children that may not be seen now, but will have long term effects. How you handle their relationship with their father is important and it is important that you give it the same validity that you give your relationship with them. We have done this for you, with them. Time and time we have backed you up on decisions but, you have not given us the same courtesy when you tell them to not tell their dad something.

A mother should not tell a child to lie to their father. It has an effect. This is something that you can’t turn back. Also, if DH feels that he can’t trust you with something that you both agreed to previously, how can you expect him to trust you when the really big issues come up?

We have had countless issues come up because the rules are not the same for all three kids. I keep trying to make it consistent, but to no avail. I know blending families is tough. I was naïve in thinking that if I read every book and consulted therapists this would go smoother. Every book says that both households have to be consistent and on the same page with the big rules. I recognize that SD14 is just being a teen-ager, but if we don’t control these things now, what are the next issues that will come up?

DH has explained to me that you don’t want to close the lines of communication with SD14. Why then do you want to close the lines of communication with her father? By telling her not to tell her Dad, that is what you are doing. I understand what you are trying to do. But, it is not working. Why would you throw away a rule that was previously agreed upon by both you and her Dad? We have to remember that we are their parents, not their friends. This is a fine line and needs to be handled as such.

I have made sure to stay out of your relationship with DH. I have kept my distance from you with your children. I have respected your role as their mother; making sure never to overstep that. You have tried on occasion to give me the same credibility, I recognize that. But, at the same time, I have been told constantly by both children, that “I am not their mother and she says that I don’t have to listen to you”. There are many other variations of this common theme. I have had to let this go on a continual basis. I have made sure when SD14 asked to do things that I felt were special between a mother and a daughter, that I had her ask you or I just said no completely. It was not my place.

I came into this house and tried to put rules in place where none existed. By making the kids do simple things like make their bed and take off their shoes, I have been made to be the enemy with your daughter. All of this has then caused DH to be afraid of losing his daughter and the possible need to make a conscious choice to let you raise her.

With your work schedule and the issues that have come up with your children it has been discussed that we revisit the current custody arrangement. Make no mistake; I will support him if he decides to go for full custody. DH doesn’t want to take them away from their mother. But, if the rules can’t be followed in both houses, he will eventually realize he has no choice. And I will support him both monetarily and emotionally in this decision. I feel that one household with consistent rules and love, will take these great kids and make them the wonderful adults that I know they can be. I know we can do this.

That said; I do not want it to go this way. I think that if we all work together the 50/50 arrangement can work. Right now it is not working.

You need to understand that your schedule has impacted my life for the last 5 years. Everything we have done has been at your schedule’s discretion. I have consistently made myself available when the kids are sick or for after school care as needed. I will not continue to do these accommodations for you, if you will not work with us in being effective parents. Why should I?

When DH and I started dating we discussed all the potential scenarios and rules we believed in and how we wanted to raise these children. Dating rules was something we discussed and we agreed on 16 to date and 15 for group dates. He spoke with you at that time to make sure we were all on the same page. I don’t know how to make you see our views on this issue. But this is really not about letting her date; this is about not working together to raise these children. You can not make decisions together and then one parent arbitrarily decide not to follow that decision and then work subversively with the children to undermine the other parent’s authority.

I will stay out of the punishment that DH has described to me that you agreed to. But I want my opinion heard on this. Last week I would have let you handle it without my being involved. No more. You involved me, when you involved my child. What you are proposing is not strong enough. You have done exactly the same thing every time there is a problem and it is obviously not effective. My child now needs to see that we are effective in our parenting. That begins with how we handle this.

I believe in the Ten Commandments and two have been broken here continuously by you and SD14. Fault me for being strict, but I make no apologies for it. More families would have a few less problems if they were a little stricter. I can’t punish you for how you handled this, but I do think that SS11 is owed an apology by you for being told to lie. I also think my son is owed one, but I will let that go, since I don’t want to involve him in anymore adult conversations than he already has been because of all of this.

You have 50/50 custody; therefore rules and guidelines are decisions that you and their father are to make together and to back each other up. We have many things coming up for all of these children: Driving, drinking, sex, curfews, SAT’s and College choices. Not to mention all the stuff that can go wrong. If you are not on the same page with these things, than it will just make it more difficult for all of us. Your children have continually told us that they know that any rule or punishment that we make here will not matter at your house. All that does is reinforce one child’s wish to live where life is easier. Hell, I would want to live in a house without punishment or rules as well.

Know this, I did not marry you and my child did not. Nor did your kids marry me. But, we are all in this and it is our responsibility to try and do it the best we can. I know you are in a difficult place as a step-mom yourself. But, I am sure at the end of the day, your biological children come first. I feel the same way. So where does that put the other lives in this scenario? Those lives need to be considered as well with every decision we make. It affects Your SD15 and BS15 as much as it affects SD14 and SS11.

I am sure you will see this as opinionated on my part but I needed to make you see that your actions have an effect on everyone involved.

There is no need to respond to this letter, I just wanted to make you aware of my feelings and where I am at right now.

It is my hope that you can keep this letter confidential and not disclose what I have said to you here with the children. These are issues that are best kept between their parents. Please consider what I have said and know that we will no longer tolerate any lies or secrets to affect this household and I will continue to protect our family. No matter what the cost.

Jsmom

Okay now I feel better for writing the letter. DH reviewed it and edited it before it was sent. So he was on board. Now I am looking for advice, was I wrong in anything I said?? We don't think so since it was pretty factual and one mother protecting her own child. Open to opinions since most of the Stepmoms on here have had previous situations with BM's.