How to help BD4, when I'm so sad myself
BD 4 has been asking tons of q's. Why don't we want to stay married? Why don't we want to talk on the phone anymore? Do we not like each other anymore?
How in the world do I answer without hurting her relationship with her dad?
I cry. He doesn't. She told me this morning that she told him last night that I cry when she talks about him. She said, "He said, 'Oh...sorry."
She volunteers this stuff. I don't question. I know better than that.
But when she questions I freeze up.
And cry.
I want to answer that I DO want to stay married. I DO want to talk to him but I can't when he's rejected me this way, that I don't like him right now b/c he's hurting everyone so much and is so selfish in his pursuit of his new life free of the burden of Sita.
THAT's what I WANT to say.
because it is the truth.
I am so lost, so sad, so depressed. He's likely jovial and happy now that he's free to date his other woman at the new pad. I picture him happy as a clam watching sports chatting with friends about how great his new life is. Just like after he and BM split
I picture him...with OW non stop now, b/c as far as I know they are living it up without me in the way. The mind movies are absolutely horrible.
How can I heal when BD is constantly asking about him/talking about him? I know she has a right to do it. But I'm in no place mentally to deal with it and act like I'm ok when I'm so not.
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Today too, he texted asking
Today too, he texted asking how her coughing was. He also asked how my gig last night went. I mentioned that I had the opportunity to discuss my idea for the youth theatre group with the director of a huge arts organization. STBX wrote back how I need to keep cultivating that plan.
I wrote back that other things are on my plate.
Like how to breathe in and out each day. How to heal from the biggest heartbreak of my life...
How to pick myself up off the floor.
How to find a flippin' job with benefits before he divorces me.
How to support my children, and plan for my financial future all alone.
HOW could I even entertain the thought of pursuing a creative dream that he was a part of?
Why does he want to even encourage that right now?
Sorry to lament. I'm stuck there right now. So many dreams dying left and right and I don't want to let them go.
Sita, I'm so sorry. I did
Sita, I'm so sorry. I did want to say something "concrete" to help, though: as far as the job with benefits, no you don't. What you need to do is get it in the divorce decree that he has to keep you covered on his health insurance for a period of time. BM did that -- DH had to cover her for 2 years post-divorce. Make sure you get that in the settlement. That should make the job search a little easier.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
We were only married 5
We were only married 5 years. I am only entitled to about 1.5 - 2 years spousal support. I'm not sure here if he would have to provide insurance.
I've considered it. But not sure what to do.
Honey BB is right... you
Honey BB is right... you need to see a lawyer and have what you are going to need put into the paperwork.. In most states you can call your local bar association.. you can see a lawyer for his opinion and it normally costs about 100.00 for that first 1/2 visit... I don't think it matters how long you have been married to be able to get some kind of help from him...
OMG I am soooo sorry for
OMG I am soooo sorry for you, I wish there was something I could say to make it all better..Your baby girl, is just that a baby girl and it is normal that she misses him too... Is there a chance that you and he can see a counselor together??? I am sorry your heart is breaking right now.. Please hang on your baby needs you...
((((HUGS))))
He will not go to
He will not go to counseling. I tried to get him to go in the beginning, but I think he didn't want to hear any opposing opinion to what he was doing with me in the room. He went alone a few times and once with me (when he offered to fix things, but by the time we had the appt he had decided it was to tell me he was moving out for sure.)
I don't want to go with him now. I think it would have been productive before, but the hurt is too big now. I don't know that therapy will benefit BD4, b/c she's so little. I know I have to bite the bullet and not tell her what I'm feeling, but that's not good enough to help her with what she's feeling.
If he would have handled this all with integrity and not had an affair and tossed me, I think we may have been able to end things more amicably. I am angry over so much. I am sad over even more. And I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself to boot.
This is going to affect her perspectives on life, and I'm struggling with how to help her so will have the least damage, without compromising my own healing too. I deserve to be angry and hurt and sad. But she doesn't deserve to see it and I am not good at hiding it right now.
Of course he just moved out so the wounds are ripped open all over again.
Ooooh Sita, It has to be so
Ooooh Sita, It has to be so hard right now... Men can be such pieces of SHIOT... Your baby girl is just to young to understand.. and her pain and yours breaks my heart...
I am sooo sorry...
HUGS to you and your little one.
The only disagreement that I
The only disagreement that I would have about this is that we don't lie or sugarcoat things to protect the other parent. Generally, we lie and sugarcoat things to protect the child.
As that baby grows up, she will come to understand more and more of who her father and who Sita is.
I think that we shouldn't make excuses for others, but at 4, that child may need a little bit of mommy is sad, daddy is probably sad too, but they just can't live together.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Hugs to you Sita and I hope
Hugs to you Sita and I hope that God gives you strength ....
I hope I can help with this... or at least give some of my own ways of dealing with pain while dealing with a child too.
In the past I had written how, at 17, I was in the process of getting diagnosed with an illness and getting treated for an illness, and in the meantime lost all of my hair. I went from having a full beautiful head of hair and grew boobs (!) in September October of that year, and by Christmas I was super-thin and had lost all of my hair, including facial hair. I was a senior in high school. It was emotionally devastating and I still carry the insecurity scars today.
SD is the almost the same age now as I was back then. She is 16. And she bases ALL of her self-esteem on her hair and her eyes / eyelashes. And talks to me very very often about it. And how important she feels it is. Which brings back all of my old pain and scars.
Also - SD talks to me a lot about her mom... And lately about how she wants to try anew with her mom. And I am making the sacrifice in my career and livelihood because her mom isn't capable of taking care of her full time. So I have to swallow all of my bitterness toward her mom while I encourage SD to be happy with the small steps her mom is taking.
What I do with both of those is realize that ... The pain is mine. It's not hers. It's not hers to share, or to participate in.
So many times we allow ourselves to feel happy ... and we OWN that. So too, should we own our pain and sorrow. Don't be ashamed. Don't be worried about everyone else. Own it and understand it and realize it is part of your separation process.
Now, I understand not wanting to say to BD how you want to stay married, but daddy doesn't. But, I guess, if it were me, I would say to BD ... (and I have said this to SD when she questioned me about her parents' divorce)... "Mommy stills loves daddy and daddy still loves mommy. They just grew up and grew apart. It's sad to mommy, and sad to daddy too, but we show it in different ways. Mommy cries when she is sad." And then turn the topic on your baby girl about what she does when she is sad.
I guess, my point is, since your child is noticing your sadness, maybe you can open up a discussion with her - age appropriate of course - about how you feel sad, but she makes you happy, or your theatre group makes you happy etc.
And also, realize Sita, what a burden/ opportunity you have right now in front of you. And that is... to teach your young daughter how to handle life and the difficulties of life. You are setting an example for her. (And knowing that, is what helps me sometimes be stronger. Because if I "act" strong, maybe SD will want to emulate that and become a strong woman.)
HUGS dear friend. And by the way... you do whatever your heart tells you about that theatre group, and ignore your STBX. He is your past. And you have a much brighter future ahead. Even if you can't see it right now!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with telling a child that Mommy is sad. They understand being sad, and they can tell that you are sad. So tell her you are sad. But also (like Mustang1 said) tell her it's going to be okay. Kids need to hear that.
Let her know, and let yourself know that even through the sadness, you still love each other and you are both still there for each other.
There is only one cure for heartbreak, and that is time. It's okay to feel (much better than not feeling at all), and it's just going to take time to heal bit by bit.
HUGS!!!
(oh, and if you're a musical theatre person, look for all of those great heartbreak songs to pour your emotions into ... "Time Heals Everything" from Mack & Mable comes to mind, or "It's Like I'm Losing My Mind" from Follies.)
MORE HUGS!!! ((((Sita))))
Red-headed_Stepmom
**Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.**
Love you!!!! I don't even
Love you!!!! I don't even know how to handle this one, but I am listening.
To every thing there is a season.
Thank you all for sharing
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.
Cru thanks for a script- this actress is good at scripts.
I think it's hard b/c when I left my first marriage my ex asked me in a moment of desperation, "What do I say when he (BS15 then 5) asks me why we aren't together anymore.
I told him...
"Tell him to ask his mom...or...tell it was my decision."
I owned it.
I don't think my STBX would understand that.
But I do think it's ok. It didn't harm my BS15 and my relationship at all to hear that I was unhappy and decided to leave the marriage.
But I will never forget the moment he really understood. We had that conversation a dozen or more times between 5 and 8.
And then one night a light went on in his head and he said, "It was all because of YOU?"
Ouch.
But I explained a lot more to him then, at 8, b/c he asked for me to explain. However....
Painfully self aware me...
Someday I'd better meet a man who possesses that quality too. I won't settle for less than that again.
Thanks Vic. I'm sure there
Thanks Vic. I'm sure there will be many more moments of doubt, sadness etc before we get to the good. I think she asks me b/c he doesn't seem so sad about any of it, and it's confusing to her. My sons were the same way, mostly the older one who as just about a year older than BD when I left their dad. I made it as easy as I could on exH knowing he was so very hurt and feeling a great deal of responsibility for that pain.
And I didn't cheat on him, let alone chose this other person over him. I don't understand why my STBX doesn't comprehend my pain. Maybe it's too much to allow into his heart b/c it challenges how he views himself and the situation too much.
I left my first marriage to find myself not another man.
I think he should have done that the first time for a much longer period of time, and the fact that he's not doing it all this time frustrates me for everyone involved.
It's just too much- ending a marriage and family this way. Too destructive.
Someone on the other site put it so well (it was a man who's wife left him for another.)
He said that STBX wants to remain friends b/c if I can do that then what he did to me wasn't so bad and he can stop feeling bad about it. That he is thinking of himself still.
I know that's true b/c when I left my exH I took great pains to give up whatever I could financially and with the boys to ease his blow in the hopes he could find forgiveness for me ending the marriage.
The guy on the other site also said he doesn't stay friends with people who lie and cheat on him in any form, so why would he stay friends with his ex. He said the only way to remain friends is if the cheating spouse makes a sincere effort to reconcile first and allows the injured spouse to decide if they want the marriage or not.
I think that's true too. I still know in my heart I could have forgiven him, if he had put the rest of us above his needs being met for a bit and really tried to fix this. Even if we didn't end up together I would have still forgiven him.
But not being able to do that at all?
is the reason why I will never look at him with respect for his character again. I don't think he gets that. It's not the cheating, it's the actions that followed the cheating. The inability to even try to fix it. The refusal of the gift of sincere reconciliation. It may not have worked...
But if we divorce without ever trying we will never know what could have been.
I feel about him now...
The way he felt about BM.
The most dysfunctional person to ever meddle in my happiness.
I love BD4 and my sons more than my life, more than my happiness. So I will find a way to get through this so they will have a good and happy life. But I will be honest to the degree it is not damaging to BD4.
Thanks again Vic, and everyone for helping me with this.