That was exactly my plan -- we waited until our two youngest (his son and my daughter are about the same age) were out of high school, in fact we got married after they completed their first year of college. We lived in different states and didn't want to uproot one or both teenagers, so we just waited. And, like you, we were happy. Also like you, I am very independent and can support my daughter and myself.

We had a beautiful spring wedding, then then in the fall BOTH our kids moved back home, one due to complicated health issues and one due to a bad breakup with a very bad boyfriend. It was an extremely stressful year, but because both our kids were crazy in their own ways we had some sympathy and understanding for the other. But our relationship is still suffering from all the typical stepparent issues -- financial, space, relationships with the kids and each other. We couldn't have foreseen this.

But, yes, I'm glad we waited, and I would have waited longer had I known the kids were going to need the parental nest again.

Not wanting to deal with the others issues and problems is the antithesis of marriage. If you have any doubts whatsoever that you want to tackle his issues and yours as a team, then you should definitely not get married. There is nothing wrong with having the relationship the way you have it, and be happy. Getting married would likely put stressors on you, on him and on the marriage which is no way to build a foundation for your lives.

When I married DH, I knew through and through that I could take on those issues and we would work through them together. But even then, we still had a lot of adjustment issues we had to work through and it took a few years to really get it right.

If you're happy, and you know what situation would make you happy, why get married if that's not the right step in your heart?

There are days when I think we should not have gotten married until later. However, I never think that for very long, and in my case I only think it for financial reasons -- because there are ways in which certain aspects of our finances would be easier if we were not married. However, I realize that in my particular case, waiting to get married would have had the following negative impacts:

- it would have taken BM even longer to accept that DH and I are a team and that she is no longer supreme ruler of his life and his household
- it would have taken DH even longer to man up to BM
- I wouldn't have taken charge of his finances (he is TERRIBLE with money) and started to turn the ship around (he probably would have filed for bankruptcy by now -- which in some ways wouldn't have been a bad idea, as long as it didn't affect MY finances -- hence thinking that might have been easier if we had waited)
- the kids wouldn't have had me as their stepmom while they were still children. In my case, I'm glad to be their stepmom, and I like that I have that role while they are still living at home. I think I would have a different "status" and importance to them if I wasn't married to their dad yet. They would have more of a tendency to think of me as "dad's wife" rather than "my stepmom" if we'd waited until they were adults to get married.

All that said, I have to qualify my answer by saying that I get along great with my stepkids and my H and I don't have any problems. The only problems are BM and the fact that DH's finances were driven into the ground by her and the CS he pays.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

it wouldn't have worked for me since SD was just a toddler when we got together. But if the child was over 12 yrs I would wait.

I'm glad we waited till the kids left.

DH and I got married 3 months after his youngest graduated HS. We moved in together a week after he graduated! part of the reason we waited to move in together was I didn't want the rotten commute from where he lived, and he promised his kids (he had custody) that he'd stay there till they graduated HS. It helped that the kids were 16 & 14 when we got together -- it really wasn't that long to wait. We dated a while, figured out it was going to last, then decided to get married, planned the wedding, etc. (don't get me wrong, we spent a lot of nights together, but I knew I could always retreat to "my" place.)

I thought his son was going to come with him when we moved in together, but he decided at the last minute to go to his mom's --- didn't want to move 30 miles from his (girl)friends (or maybe he didn't want to live with me }:) . While I thought I was prepared to be a full time SM, it was actually better for us as a couple that we started out alone. It's my first marriage, and I'd never "shacked up" even, so I had some adjusting to do. It gave us a chance to establish "us" -- and I didn't feel like I was outnumbered in my home.

I still have problems with the skids, and I wonder how long it will be before one or both of them come knocking on the door for a place to live, but now they will be coming to OUR home, not THEIR home that I am intruding on, KWIM?

Of course, I am not sure I'd feel the same way if they'd been younger when DH & I got together. (I might have run screaming from the crazy BM if I'd had to deal with her very long...) And YES, I am definitely "dad's wife" not "stepMOM", but I can live with that. I married their dad, not them.

I would have waited...actually, I would have moved on since it was it would've been too many years of my life waiting for someone else...life is too short to spend so many years for someone...especially when they have no control over what will happen...wish I had thought about that before...although I love my DH, I would've been much better off had I stayed single and moved on.

My DH and I got married in March after dating for over 10 years. We were going to wait until the kids got out of high school before getting married, but my mom talked me into getting married but maintaining separate residences. Sounded "out there" to me and I laughed it off, but then I thought about it A LOT! That's exactly what we did. I love my husband, but his kids are a mess and I am not sure I really want to live there while they are there. (his house is also too small for all 5 of us, but it's paid off, so we don't want to move either!) We originally were going to wait until the kids graduated h.s. and that would have meant waiting until another 6 years! BD13 and I will spend the night there from time to time (a lot over the summer because skids weren't there that much), but we really love going to our home! Peace and quiet!!!