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Have I Gotten Myself into a Mess?

jilas0127's picture

My husband and I married almost two years ago. We've been together for 4. I have a daughter that is 12, and he has a son that is 10. Ever since the beginning, my hb is very uncomfortable and treats me differently when we are around his sons mom, or his son. At sports events, he will not hardly speak to me, touch me, show any affections whatsoever. Just prior to us marrying, his ex asked him to look online and see if her nude pictures that they both put on there were still there. After we got married, she reduced visitation with my hb son. My husband resents me for this, and has made that clear. Before we married, him and his ex talked several time a day, about anything but their son, and I put a stop to that. The mid-dinner interruptions got annoying fast. We have our children everyother weekend, on the same weekend. When they are home, it's Him and his son against my daughter and I. Who left this out, who left that out, who left the light on.
My husband hates step families. His parents divorced when he was an adult and he has not come to terms with it. Both parents are remarried, and he hates their spouses. He always told his ex that he would never re-marry, becuase he did not want his son to have a step-mom. Now that we're married, it is evident that he keeps a distinct wall between his son and I. He does not treat me as well when his boy is at our house. He has expressed to me that he feels guilty that he has "ruined" his sons life by not being able to work thing out with his ex. I feel like I've gotten in the middle of an emotional mess. I know his ex still has feelings for him, and I'm wondering if he just doesn't want her to know that we are happy, so he treats me like crap when she or her son are around or what. He has NO relationship whatsoever with my daughter. He barely speaks to her. I feel as though he hasn't gotten over him and his ex's split (which happend when his son was 2, he's 10 now) and he resents me for being around when his son is at our house. Does this make sense?

Comments

bioandstep2009's picture

It sounds like they had no boundaries set up after the divorce and continued to be way too friendly for the 4 years after the divorce and when you two started dating (if my math is correct). It was kinda the same in my situation. No boundaries between FH and BM but once things got serious between me and FH, I really needed the boundaries. She (BM) blamed me for why things were tense and antagonistic and FH was a bit reluctant to establish said boundaries because he didn't want to rock the boat (translation - he feared her taking him back to court because the divorce was a long, bitter process to begin with).

I have to ask why your husband, given his previous statements of intent to not re-marry because he didn't want his son to have a stepmom, why did he get involved with you? There are ALOT of issues here that he obviously should get counseling for but to treat you and your daughter that way is really unacceptable. Has this been going on for the length of your relationship or just the marriage portion?

christsluv2u's picture

This is a mess, sorry. If your DH had no intention of re-marrying, did he tell you this before you married him? Did you think "I'll be the one to change him!"? How did the subject of marriage come up between the two of you?

You are going to be nothing but the bad guy in this situation. BM blames you for being there. Doesn't sound like DH is over the marriage. SS is going to blame you for splitting them up, no matter how true it is.

Makes sense to me and I am sorry you are in this situation.

Was ANY of this apparent before you married???

Jen

jojo68's picture

Unless he is willing to let go of the past, I would run babygirl...run like the wind. Life's too short for you and your daughter to be treated like that. Sounds like he has let his guilt control his life. You and your daughter deserve a man who lets go of the past and goes on with the future and YOU are his future. Sorry to be so abrupt Smile

jilas0127's picture

We did not live together before we were married. So no, none of this was evident prior. He did tell me when we met that his friends and family had been trying to get him to get out there and meet someone. Once we fell for each other, he did tell me that he had never planned on getting remarried, until me, becuase he didn't want his son to feel the same way he does about his step parents. If we are at a basketball game, and we are holding hands, if she walks in the room, he lets go. This made me quite uncomfortable from that point forward. If I was there, they would sit on opposite sides of the gym, If I wasn't there, they would sit together. She has a boyfriend that she has been with for 7 years, and they have a daughter together. They only got engaged however, two weeks after Ross and I did.

jilas0127's picture

I confronted her about the nude pictures. She then proceeded to tell me that she was glad we were together and that he had finally moved on (which he says he never cared about her), then she said that she'll never get over the pain of what he did to her... blah blah blah. I really feel like they are each other's first love and that neither of them are over it. She has made comments to try and get me mad at him... like "did he tell you he asked me for a key to my house" when in fact, after I told her to forward the txt msg to me, it really said "Can Kayden get the key to the house to get his soccer uniform and cleats." Because he had picked him up at the daycare (that she works at) and was bringing him to a game. She replied "Can I have a key to your house LOL?