My wife told me our marriage is OVER...
Its amazing to me but we cant get by this problem known as SD. Therapy sessions (for everyone), and anything else you can think of we tried...this kid has problems...and my wife facilitates them. The last straw was two days ago when I caught SD lying to her BD on the phone about her mother. I waited until she got off the phone and said "Why do you lie to your dad about your mom?" Her deer in the headlight response..."What?" I said I heard you lie to your dad and I want to know why you think its necessary to say these things about your mother that arent true. Response "I don't know." Well I said that for her to do that to a person who has and will do any and everything for you is just not right. I was calm the entire time, not raising my voice, not showing any of the brewing anger inside of me...then I say "You will never say another lie about your mother in this house ever because it is disrespectful! to which she responded the only way she knew how..by crying for her mommy. My wife comes running into the room and asks what happened..SD says "Hes yelling at me threatening me...he thinks I was telling lies to daddy about you but I wasnt." Wifes response "Why are you listening in on her calls?" Are you f**king kidding me??? This kid knows her mom will side with her on anything and uses it to her advantage all the time...the sick thing is my wife knows shes lying but refuses to do anything because she is still afraid of BD herself. She sends SD off and im left standing in the wake of this mess beyond pissed...she turns to me and says "I cant do this anymore...i cant take the fighting...unless you change and accept that this is who SD is we cant be together." I said I will not accept this abuse anymore by either you or her and its insane to think this is the way to go with her...her response..."Then our marriage is over!" will write more later on...
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I may be overstepping
I may be overstepping boundaries, especially since I don't know both sides, but please forgive me for asking:
What is in the air that makes some men think they have to take shit in the name of love?
I hope you love yourself enough to know that you don't have to put up with abuse and insanity, and, just as much as anyone else, you deserve a healthy relationship.
Wow, fedupstepdad. I'm so
Wow, fedupstepdad. I'm so sorry that your wife is acting this way to you. I also give you HUGE credit for handling SD's lying the way that you did. Not too many people can actually stay calm under those circumstances.
I don't know all of your background (how long you & DW have been married for, together for, how old SD is, what kind of relationship, if any, you & DW have with her ex, etc...), so it's hard for me to give you any specific advice that would be constructive.
I just wanted to say that you seem to be a rational StepDad (just by the way you calmly handled that instance of SD's lying) and that I agree with you in confronting her head-on with the lie when it was being told.
I think that normally, I would've told you to let your wife handle her daughter, but it seems like from what you've said that your wife's reaction (and she said this IN FRONT OF her daughter???) "Why are you listening in on her calls?" shows that she's in fact afraid of her daughter and has no self-esteem herself - and has no interest in being a good PARENT to her daughter.
It also shows the ROOT of the problem - that she does not back you up and does not present a UNITED FRONT with you in front of the kids. Translation: lack of respect for YOU and for your marriage.
Good luck and I hope that you & your wife can sit down rationally and try to find RESOLUTION to this problem. Again, since I don't know enough of your background, I don't really know what else to say.
BTW - what did you overhear SD saying to her BD about your wife in the first place? Just curious...
I hate to say this fedup,
I hate to say this fedup, but she's doing you a favor. There is NO excuse to allow a child to behave badly. I don't care what her past was like or how hard her relationship is with her father. Creature used to lie to Wingnut about dh and I all the time on the phone (I'm sure she still does when in Wingnut's care). It was nipped in the bud. FIrst, she is only allowed to talk to Wingnut on the home phone and in the same room with dh or I. Second, anything that is a lie about either of us (or about anything else for that matter) results in her ending the call. We could feel sorry for her because Wingnut is a crazy narcissist who thinks Creature should hate dh and I, but how Creature feels and how she behaves are two different things and I will not allow a liar in my home. This isn't popular with dh's family, but too effing bad. You shouldn't have to live in a home where an 11 year old determines you, your wife, and your other children's life. If I were you, I ask her to leave and take her daughter with her. Find other care for your children (if she takes them, she'll have a leg up for primary custody). Good luck
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Lying is the one thing I
Lying is the one thing I will not tolerate in my home. Period! Fortunately my Wife has a similar perspective on lying. I don't care if lying occurs during a private conversation or not, I will call it immediately and will not let it stand.
Fedupstepdad is right in my opinion. If his wife tolerates this from her own daughter then it is her own character flaw that will end the marriage. His wife is the one lacking in character and as insensitive as this comment may sound ...... good riddance if she ends the marriage. She is found lacking in character and quality as a person.
IMHO of course.
Good luck Fedupstepdad and enjoy your much better life without both of these characterless people. Enjoy your new life. I for one would not want my name associated with either a wife or a child so lacking in character.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Step I don't find your
Step I don't find your opinions offensive but I do take issue with a few of your points. First I have been completely flexible in my position of how to raise SD, backing my wife at every turn and corner even when I knew it was heading for disaster. Of the two of us, it was I who has made the adjustments necessary to make this marriage and family work. Even to the point that I began to disengage because,as you put it, I was looking "through the forest of trees" and I saw the disastrous conclusion which could cost me my "family". So I backed off, and basically turned against what I believe in for this child. Now knowing that, I also started to think about what it was MY children were growing up seeing...a parent who treats their sibling completely different, rules that don't apply across the board, one parent basically CONTROLLING the entire family. I've had an instance when my son has already asked why it is like this? How come SD doesn't have to do chores and have responsibility? Why is she not punished when she does something wrong? Why does mommy like her better? Showed me that it's not just what these kids are taught as they are raised, its what they see in front of their eyes. Being a kid is confusing enough but dare I say it's insanely more difficult when at 6 you have the knowledge that there are two sets of rules for the house. Remeber, I'm not the one who ended this marriage, in fact i'm the one who has done everything in his power to make it work. But I WILL NOT sacrifice my childrens well being and chances of being a "bunch of kids who exceed in life and have a strong sense of morals" I can't do that with a parent who doesn't back me up, and shows the other kids that same rules don't apply. As for overhearing my SDs convo, can't help it if she's on the phone in the living room and I walk by. Can I help not saying anything about it...yes I could say nothing but what message does that send to an 11 year old? That they can do and say what they want with no repercusion? I didnt' choose to "parent" her about this incident, I DECIDED to confront her disrespect and lies about her mother, MY WIFE, and explain that it will not be allowed in this house. If you don't see that as a benefit for her, which is letting her know it's NOT ok to LIE about her mother at her dads behest, well you are entitled to your opinion. Again, i'm not the one who has decided to end things, and to that matter, if she wants out then as another poster said, she can pack up her stuff and her daughter and leave. I just bought this house, OUR dream house, and I am not leaving, i'm not the one that wants it over. But i'm not a fool either...in terms of splitting the kids time... best believe that I will fight for full custody.
I read your post and some
I read your post and some other responses....my first reaction.
Dont let the doorknob hit them on their way out!
Your wife has never been a unite with you and since her response is what it is, better that she take her daughter and leave
As for custody, Damn right you will take full custody.
You just bought the house, you are in a better financial position to provide for your kids. Your wife said its over, not you, get a good lawyer and focus on the fact that as a parent she was not setting the standard for all the kids but raising it only for her own daughter, not the others. Fight with all your might to have FULL custody. Not 50 50 in this case. No way. She doens' ttreat them equal now she never will! Its not in the best interest for the kids to be treated in that manner. You have 2 kids with her or one?
Has your wife and sd left the house? Change the locks!
I just read a few more blogs
I just read a few more blogs of your, Holy dina! you have 4 kids with her! Am i reading correctly?
If that is the case, they wont split 4 kids away from you. They will realize that its yoru house they stay put inthe house and since she was the one who got up to leave, plus the other post about your kids running naked and your daughter with a scissory honestly proves she can't have full custody with that attitude. Its all about her daughter (sd) ....Really sad..honestly...she has 4 other kids and she raises this one to such a pedastle....she has issues.
Keep your 4 and let her have weekend visitations....
Do you think she'll try to take all the kids? maybe....but i'm sure she wont be able to handle them all full time. And you are the provider her right? She doesn't work........
Better she leave with her daughter and sd will have full attention like she wants.
Very sad. I'm really sorry to hear that she would sacrifice her marriage and the sake of her other children for this one manipulative sour raisin.
Its sad that she created this situation and then blames you and focuses the issues on you.
I hope you do get full custody, and i hope things work out for you.
Also, I believe the wife is
Also, I believe the wife is a stay-at-home. Since the husband is clearly working the children would have to be put in daycare if there were put in his care full-time. The judge won't see that as sensible and he will award a minimum of 50/50 to the mom but probably more because she will be caring for the children while the husband is at work as well as getting them at least ever other weekend, etc. Judges don't award custody based on who is making the money but based on what is going to be in the best interest's of the child. In this case, not being placed in childcare and being cared for by their mother while the father works is what would be viewed as in the best interests of the child.
The only time I've ever seen any suggestion that she was not a good mother to their children was in the description of a time when she was blow drying the SDs hair and the other kids were running around naked. My kids are running around naked all the time, I don't think that constitutes bad parenting. The children weren't hurt, the children weren't starving. He would have to have actual evidence that the children were at risk while in her care and I haven't seen any evidence of that.
I've seen it happen before.
I've seen it happen before. Rare but it does happen. If she as a mother cannot provide for these kids and he is the one who owns the house, has bought it, and is the driving money force. That said, he can provide the better environment for his kids than said mom.
It sounds to me that she has no income, and if he fights for full custody, she's not seeing a penny and i dont think she'll want ot pay cs to him either.
My friend , when she lost her job, she lost her son. Fahter came in and took him. Why? legally if he proves that she cannot provide for him she forefits the child for their sake.
Will it be an ugly fight...yes...will it cost...yes....and if she is smart, she'll either say sorry, continue counciling and change her ways...or lose cash. Sounds to me fedupstepdad 's a very sharp cookie...and to me its not a loss of money. Its an investment for your kids and their futur to fight for them. The mother shows clear signs that she foresakes the rest for that sole one daughter. tsk tsk....
Cs....can also be calculated for the man. TImes are changing...men are taking custody of their kids. Its not always the man who dishes out the cash to the ex wife....
In the end, this will be a big mess. We dont know their assets, what they have together, what they had before.
When my DH and his ex split
When my DH and his ex split she was a stay-at-home. He had owned a home before they married (which he sold to provide a down payment for the home they purchased after marriage) she did not. He had a retirement, she did not. He had savings and investments she did not. She brought nothing but mountainous credit card debt into their marriage, which he paid off. During their marriage she embezzled $17K from her father's company, which my DH paid back.
When they divorced, the woman who walked into the marriage with nothing walked out with $500,000 plus monthly child support. She got her half of the equity in the house, even though my DH alone provided the funds to purchase it. She got a portion of his retirement that he accrued while married to her. And he bought her out of spousal support rather than having to pay it to her in monthly installments. Even though, she was diagnosed and being medicated for bi-polar disorder and even though she had purchased a townhouse that was 45 minutes away in a different school district, the judge awarded primary residence and custody to her because while my DH had the financial resources AND kept the house that SD had lived in and was in the school district she was attending, BM was able to provide full-time care to SD while DH had to work.
She may have asked for a divorce, but I didn't read that she has left the house. If she refuses to leave as well then here's how it will go down. They will both lawyer up. They will probably spend upwards of $30K on lawyers before the divorce is settled and that's only IF it is not terribly acrimonious. If she fights for the house, she will get it if it is in both of their names. The judge will award her primary residence unless DH can show that he can provide a suitable residence nearby that will allow them to enjoy a 50/50 split. But the children are quite young and while he is working they will need to be cared for, if they have typically been cared for by their mother, the judge will award her custody during the week. He will get EOW or three weekends a month plus a couple of evenings or dinners during the week. He will pay spousal support unless she signed a pre-nup waving her rights to it. He will pay CS for FOUR children, ouch. And he will split marital assets with her 50/50 again, unless she signed a pre-nup waving her rights to those assets acrued during the marriage. If he has investments and retirement benefits that have accrued during the marriage he will split those with her 50/50 or he will have to buy her out of them.
He would have to prove her to be unfit and truly the only way to support that kind of an argument would be to show hospital visits resulting from neglectful care or charges of neglect from CPS or visits from the PD. You can't just cast a mother as neglectful because she seemed to focus more attention on her older child. If the other children were safe and provided for in her care that does not amount to neglect.
Sorry to be so bleak fedupstepdad but you shouldn't be unrealistic in how you proceed.
Ah, then it really depends
Ah, then it really depends on where you live and its laws.
The province of Quebec is quite different in some regards to assets. And each case varies quite a bit. Cs is the same, its calculated according to what the ex earns and how many children are involved...plus the assets or any extras. But that does mean the man gets taken for a ride. Most of my friends who are divorced pay approx 500 for 2 kids...eowe and 2 weeks vacation int he summer...any extras...that is negotiable...
As for splitting equity....unless you married, minus any inheritance, is when its 50 , 50 and its also the appreciated value of the home. Now if they used their rrsps as a put down, they take what they put in an split the rest down the middle.
IF you are common law marriage...YOU ARE ENTITLED TO NOTHING! the exwife if she is not working..tough..no alimony. CS will be calculated and given but not at the high rate most exhubbyies are paying. Equity, unless you can prove its yours, you dont get it.
If there is a prenup, then it goes by prenup.
A woman in quebec tried to get half from her million husband. It was all over the gazette. She didn't get half. He gave her a house for the sake of the kids, with a maid! and gave her cs accordingly...but after that. she didn't receive any alimony, because she was not married. Didn't matter if the woman lived with said hubby for 16 years and had 2 kids. She didn't get half his assets at all. It was all his and what he gave her is what he wanted to give , not because it was court forced.
So, i agree with many of you, times havent' changed in some places and other have changed. Each situation is different.
If fedstepdad is in the states, most likely she'll take half but that doesn't mean she can provide a better home. If he can prove she's unfit, she's in alot of trouble.
They can split, and they cna also make up as we speak and go for more counciling. Its 4 more kids involved. I'm surprised at her sake that she would just throw it all away for one child only.
I personally am disgusted that a mother of 5 would forsake the entire family for one child. Especially with the circumstance that was presented. If my husband told me that my daughter was caught lying to her dad about me, she'ld have her ears aching! And how can you listen in on a convo when its in the middle of the hallway. There is obviously alot of tension and more going on than what has been written.
I hope for their sake , they can patch it up but from what this man has written and her attitude...i dont know. Its sounds abusive.
In the US, you'd have to
In the US, you'd have to commit a heinous crime to or in front of the children and actually be prosecuted for it before the judge would find you an unfit mother. We had a child psychiatrist tell the judge that her mother was emotionally abusive and overly-permissive causing the child behavioral problems and the judge said "aren't all mothers like that" and awarded her 50/50 custody.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Thanks all. Step why are you
Thanks all. Step why are you insisting that my way of raising children is "militant" or abusive? I neither hit or abuse, mentally or physically, my children. I hold them accountablee for their actions in proper fashion. And rage? Really? True you are only getting one side of the story so take hers, mine and meet somewhere in the middle. Her ex wouldnt help her if it meant hed get a million bucks...in fact he may side with me because hes been trying to get full custody of SD for years and what better way to open up new proceedings than with a "she just lost custody of her other children your honor." As far as work, I could retire right now if I had to so I know that will also factor heavily into a judges decision for custody. I don't want to nor will I ever take my kids from their mom, they love her and I know would be devistated by her not being there all the time...but my wife needs to come to a decision, that being is she the parent to 1 child or 5...if she doesnt see that her preferential treatment will be damaging to the others then I need to seriously take steps to protect them...what parent wouldnt?
ps - as far as sd is
ps - as far as sd is concerned, she wants to mess her up thats fine by me...I have no say in that,but if messing her up means problems for MY kids, then I hve every right to do what is necessary to ensure that doesn't happen!
Thats what keeps me up at
Thats what keeps me up at night Step...which is why we either have to make this marriage work or if forced to I will do everything within my power to make sure I get full custody...I dont want it to be like that but as ive said before ive made every possible bend to try and make this work...balls in her court now...lets pray for the kids sakes she does the right thing...
I hope she thinks long and
I hope she thinks long and hard fedup. Its 5 children here, Not one! I just cannot understand why she defending her daughter instead of telling her off for lying! ANd you caught her! I guess she is really defensive about her since you've put her in her place and that girl knows where you stand. Its just really sad that your wife has to realize she has 5 children , not just one and you have 4 .
ANd the tidbit about her dad trying to get sole custody just adds to the equation.
I hope for your sake it can work and for the kids.
Does your sd want to go live with her dad?
Not at all...she's petrified
Not at all...she's petrified to live with him! Thanks for the article.
fedup- Could you provide
fedup-
Could you provide some other examples of how your wife demonstrates preferential treatment towards SD? Other than the night the kids were running around naked while she blew SDs hair dry. I see from your posts that she can be very protective of SD when it comes to conflict that you and she have had but I'm not seeing where she is sacrificing the well being of the other children for SDs interests. And you, yourself said that the other kids all love her very much.
C_G
Well without getting into
Well without getting into too much detail, as mentioned earlier my kids have chores and responsibilities, she doesn't, she does something wrong she doesn't get in trouble, if they do something wrong they are in trouble, she has even on more than one occasion allowed her daughter to take things that were the kids and either use it (toys, games, videos)or eat it (valentines day candy and such). Im all for sharing but she doesn't share back...and mom thinks thats ok..she'll just replace what she took from the kids...which in many cases, she doesn't. Maybe it sounds petty but i feel if you do for one you do for all, same rules for everyone across the board...
So how;s your situation
So how;s your situation now....its been about a week. Has your wife apologized or do you really think she'll go through with it. ?
Its alot of kids to take care of alone even if you guys split 50, 50...
Angel...wife has come to her
Angel...wife has come to her senses somewhat...she understands that her not supporting me has led to our issues but admitted she has a hard time when it comes to SD. She knows its her guilt over the BD issue that makes her want to do/give everything to SD but also doesnt know how to say no/reprimand SD when shes in the wrong. She said she doesnt want us to split and I said that she needs to make a decision the to work with me together and back each other up or we will just wind up right back here. We have decided to go for marriage counciling in addition to family therapy with SD. Will keep you posted...
I am sorry that you are
I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope that you don't end up divorced because it will be harder on the little ones in your home than what you are going through now. If you do end up divorced, be sure that YOU are the one that stays in the house! If it was your dream home than you should keep it and don't feel guilty and give it to your wife to raise your children in. You can raise your children in it! It just ticks me off to no end when women get the house, the car etc.....all the nice stuff and then before the ink is even dried on the divorce papers, they have a man living with them. I have seen this happen with many of the women that I know and I just don't think it's right. Off with the old and on with the new is the mentality of the day! I am on a rampage about it now because it is happening with someone that I know and the guy in the relationship is seriously getting the shaft and he is a good guy!