I think it's normal, especially for a child of divorce. They seem to need more affection than kids whose parents are together. Keep in mind, that's just my opinion but I would say it's no big deal.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I think it's normal. My daughter will probably lay across her fathers lap when she's 30! LOL! But we are a very very very affectionate and lovey dubby family. That's how we roll.
I figured that, but I didn't want to assume. Assumptions can be a killer here at ST!
Why did it bother you?
She just wanted to sit with and cuddle with her dad. I don't see anything wrong with it. But of course, like I said, we are a super lovey family! So I'm shaded on my thoughts of it!
It was the laying across his lap that bothered me. Sitting on his lap is one thing, but was laying across his. I don't know. She didn't do this last night.
Different strokes for different folks. It depends... Does she do this when you attempt to sit with her Dad? As a way to come between you? Is she clingy and always hanging on him? Or is it that they are both affectionate with each other? I know when I was growing up, my parents were and still are together but I sat on my mother's lap up into my teen years! Even when I was prego with DD11.
She does tend to be clingy with him. Not hanging all over him, just wanting his attention much of the time when she is with us, which is 50% of the time. Neither of them is overly affectionate, but I see some evidence of insecurity in SD. Nothing inappropriate is happening, just wanted to ask this group's opinion.
I would say as long as she doesn't throw herself at him to keep you away, it is fine. I was and am still very close to my father and I notice my niece is the same way with him.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
See, I'm creeped out by that kind of stuff -- freaks me out when a pubescent girl lies across her daddy's lap. But I come from a family that was not at all lovey-dovey. I would have been MORTIFIED at the idea of sitting on my dad's lap or being anywhere near his crotch at 12 years old! I've had to learn that my family's reserve toward pda's is not everyone's idea of appropriate.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I'm more like you are BB... if SD11 is sitting by DH and laying her head on his shoulder or arm, that's one thing, but when she would lay on top of him?? Ewww... that totally creeped me out too. I have finally put a stop to her doing that. It took some harsh words, but I nipped it.
I agree - where else would she get that knowledge? Maybe make an anonymous tip to her school and see if they'll have a counselor chat with her. Sounds like her innocence has been lost
I so second that about being mortified to be anywhere near my dad's crotch at that age. I always had a close relationship with my dad but he would have never allowed me to crawl all over him. I think that is the whole thing...I knew better. I think overly clingy kids are confused about what part they play in their parent's life. The adults involved have to let these kids know what their role is in life and know what is right or wrong. Everyone has a different ways of showing affection so those definitions of right and wrong are all going to be different. I deal with an excessive clingy BF daughter who is a "mini me" of her dad and she is almost ten. On the rare instances when he makes her stop...she just goes to grandma, me, or an uncle and does the same thing, but it is quite exteme with her dad.
Im with BB on this one. Its not something that happend in my family. I have however seen my BFFs DH and his 13 year old do it. Shes a major daddys girl and she sits on his lap sometimes when she talks to him. I think for some people its normal. I wouldnt worry to much about it.
My SD cuddles with DH still. Sometimes it bugs me but I think that's more my problem than it is hers because the cuddling is completely appropriate. She'll curl up at his side on the couch and he'll put an arm around her. Or she'll sit on the floor and lean back against his legs while watching TV. I've learned to let it go because if he doesn't cuddle with her then she'll be hanging all over me wanting to cuddle and that makes me more uncomfortable LOL!
I used to sit on my Dad's lap until I graduated high school. Nothing to it. Would just sit on his lap and watch TV. Sometimes I'd jump up and down on him and he'd fake being crushed
I did too. Not quite on his lap but next to him in his recliner. My sister still does too and she's almost 21. I don't think anything's wrong with it. My sister and I do the fake crushing thing too lol.
Sd11 climbs all over dh...the classic gag me move is when she does it half naked after taking a shower. She thinks a tshirt and panties are totally appropriate clothing to spread her legs all over daddy in. She will sit on his chest if he is lying down and not think twice that all her stuff is right in his face. She lies down directly on top of him and wiggles all around. Vomit. I don't comment on it anymore bc apparently, I'm the only one who thinks it is weird...guess I just never got the memo on "normal" daddy/daughter relationships. "Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
me too. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. She is certainly old enough to know that is inappropriate and dh should certainly know! UGH. I get pissed that Creature still runs up and down the hall naked before and after bath (she's 5). I told dh starting this week that this will stop. She needs to learn some damn modesty.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Wow. When sd was 4 or 5, kind of similar stuff. kind of addressed how ladies sit, robes, etc. later on I found out she was exposed to some funky stuff around her mom. I am sure its not the same thing in your case, but I thought it was weird too. Finally just told my husband her behavior creeped me out and he needed to back me up.
Hey I missed that memo too!!
I get weirded out when Dh has sd on his lap after the bath and she's 3! Idk Maybe I'll change my mind when I have kids but if she is grown up enough to say "You can't tell me what to do, I tell me what to do!" then shes grown up enough to start learning about personal boundries, and what is appropriate interaction between men and women who are not married/dating.
I'm with BB and the others. My SD's are both in their twenties and when they cuddle up to daddy, sit on his lap, it just looks weird. But then again, I'm not from an affectionate family. SD's had to tell BM's entire family what an awful hugger I am. I honestly don't think I'm an awful hugger when I'm hugging someone I want to actually hug though.
My SD10 (nearly 11) does this a lot too. But that last couple of years it has decreased since my DH has been yelling at her about it--it makes him feel uncomfortable.
I see a lot of comments from BMs and SMs on here, but as a SF I feel slightly different than many. I agree that certain levels are inappropriate - that is obvious, but where that line is to be drawn and when is so tricky. I have read about this topic a lot online because my SD (9) can be sort of hot and cold with me now that she is hitting puberty.
Some background - I am a SUPER cuddly person. My parents called me their little cling-on because I would jump on them, cross my legs around their waste not letting them drop me. I don't even remember hold old I was when this stopped, if it ever did. I snuggled mostly with Dad, but that was because he was more the cuddly type like both me and my sister. My mom loved us too, but for some reason, maybe because Dad worked all the time, he was the object of the sibling rivalry for affection. I think I laid on him even into my teen years though it obviously dissipated over the years, and it was never something I did in front of my friends. But we were just close like that as a family.
What is different with a step daughter is 1) no blood relation, which makes things feel ever so slightly different (we also have a daughter age 1 - the love & affection is different somehow); and 2) today's society that thinks hugging in school is some form of sexual abuse.
I let my SD play on me, we wrestle and we mess with each other all the time. I ALSO do this with my SS 12, although she is the one usually more interested in the more affectionate cuddling, though I cuddle with him from time to time. I have known them since SS was 3 or 4 and SD 6 mo old. Their BM is also like me, so the whole family is close like that and I have yet to have BM tell me anything I have done is inappropriate. My parents one time saw SD sit on my lap and made a comment about her being too old for that and it looked weird. I can appreciate that, so I am doing my best to keep things as appropriate as the situation calls for - no PDA. At home, we are just a little more cuddly and I do tell her to get off from time to time if she is bouncing too much or just being obnoxious. But honest tenderness is difficult to find in this world sometimes, so why should we turn our house into a cold place where love cannot be expressed? Just my point of view, and luckily the woman I am married to shares this view of life. She still cuddles with her son 12 and I find it not weird, but so loving and purely unconditional. How many preteens still appreciate their parents' love, and vice versa?
I will add, we encourage them to meet other people and the SS12 has started dating this year some. We are not being selfish, just affectionate. Every family has to find their own comfort level. I also do not make advances on SD, but just let her come to me as she is in need of some human closeness from time to time, and a daddy's arms - even if only a SF - can be very powerful and different than a mother's embrace. There is a time for each, and she sometimes goes to mommy. I know these days are limited, and in fact I live overseas for now separated from my family, so I appreciate each little snuggle I get. I do not take the words of people who say "creepy, yuck, ewww" for anything other than people who must have at some point had a negative experience with human affection and boundaries, and that saddens me.
Just my two cents - there is no perfect answer to this age-old question.
Comments
I think it's normal,
I think it's normal, especially for a child of divorce. They seem to need more affection than kids whose parents are together. Keep in mind, that's just my opinion but I would say it's no big deal.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Thanks for the feedback.
Thanks for the feedback.
I think it's normal. My
I think it's normal. My daughter will probably lay across her fathers lap when she's 30! LOL! But we are a very very very affectionate and lovey dubby family. That's how we roll.
Did it bother you?
I guess it bothered me a
I guess it bothered me a little or I wouldn't have asked the question.
I figured that, but I didn't
I figured that, but I didn't want to assume. Assumptions can be a killer here at ST!
Why did it bother you?
She just wanted to sit with and cuddle with her dad. I don't see anything wrong with it. But of course, like I said, we are a super lovey family! So I'm shaded on my thoughts of it!
It was the laying across his
It was the laying across his lap that bothered me. Sitting on his lap is one thing, but was laying across his. I don't know. She didn't do this last night.
Different strokes for
Different strokes for different folks. It depends... Does she do this when you attempt to sit with her Dad? As a way to come between you? Is she clingy and always hanging on him? Or is it that they are both affectionate with each other? I know when I was growing up, my parents were and still are together but I sat on my mother's lap up into my teen years! Even when I was prego with DD11.
She does tend to be clingy
She does tend to be clingy with him. Not hanging all over him, just wanting his attention much of the time when she is with us, which is 50% of the time. Neither of them is overly affectionate, but I see some evidence of insecurity in SD. Nothing inappropriate is happening, just wanted to ask this group's opinion.
I would say as long as she
I would say as long as she doesn't throw herself at him to keep you away, it is fine. I was and am still very close to my father and I notice my niece is the same way with him.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
See, I'm creeped out by that
See, I'm creeped out by that kind of stuff -- freaks me out when a pubescent girl lies across her daddy's lap. But I come from a family that was not at all lovey-dovey. I would have been MORTIFIED at the idea of sitting on my dad's lap or being anywhere near his crotch at 12 years old! I've had to learn that my family's reserve toward pda's is not everyone's idea of appropriate.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I'm more like you are BB...
I'm more like you are BB... if SD11 is sitting by DH and laying her head on his shoulder or arm, that's one thing, but when she would lay on top of him?? Ewww... that totally creeped me out too. I have finally put a stop to her doing that. It took some harsh words, but I nipped it.
Holy crapola! Are you
Holy crapola! Are you serious? That's really creepy.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Wow - no offense but I would
Wow - no offense but I would worry about her being a sexual predator when she's older.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
WOW! sounds like shes been
WOW! sounds like shes been molested OR been watching adult films or something equally as inappropriate....
I agree - where else would
I agree - where else would she get that knowledge? Maybe make an anonymous tip to her school and see if they'll have a counselor chat with her. Sounds like her innocence has been lost
Blueberry's Baby
Im also with Belle. She's a
Im also with Belle. She's a little too old for that.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
I so second that about being
I so second that about being mortified to be anywhere near my dad's crotch at that age. I always had a close relationship with my dad but he would have never allowed me to crawl all over him. I think that is the whole thing...I knew better. I think overly clingy kids are confused about what part they play in their parent's life. The adults involved have to let these kids know what their role is in life and know what is right or wrong. Everyone has a different ways of showing affection so those definitions of right and wrong are all going to be different. I deal with an excessive clingy BF daughter who is a "mini me" of her dad and she is almost ten. On the rare instances when he makes her stop...she just goes to grandma, me, or an uncle and does the same thing, but it is quite exteme with her dad.
Im with BB on this one. Its
Im with BB on this one. Its not something that happend in my family. I have however seen my BFFs DH and his 13 year old do it. Shes a major daddys girl and she sits on his lap sometimes when she talks to him. I think for some people its normal. I wouldnt worry to much about it.
My SD cuddles with DH still.
My SD cuddles with DH still. Sometimes it bugs me but I think that's more my problem than it is hers because the cuddling is completely appropriate. She'll curl up at his side on the couch and he'll put an arm around her. Or she'll sit on the floor and lean back against his legs while watching TV. I've learned to let it go because if he doesn't cuddle with her then she'll be hanging all over me wanting to cuddle and that makes me more uncomfortable LOL!
I with a lot of you guys, it
I with a lot of you guys, it creeps me out. It didn't bother me when they were little, but SD is 18 now and still lays all over DH..... GAG!
Yeah, no... THAT'S
Yeah, no... THAT'S weird.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I used to sit on my Dad's
I used to sit on my Dad's lap until I graduated high school. Nothing to it. Would just sit on his lap and watch TV. Sometimes I'd jump up and down on him and he'd fake being crushed
Blueberry's Baby
I did too. Not quite on his
I did too. Not quite on his lap but next to him in his recliner. My sister still does too and she's almost 21. I don't think anything's wrong with it. My sister and I do the fake crushing thing too lol.
Sd11 climbs all over
Sd11 climbs all over dh...the classic gag me move is when she does it half naked after taking a shower. She thinks a tshirt and panties are totally appropriate clothing to spread her legs all over daddy in. She will sit on his chest if he is lying down and not think twice that all her stuff is right in his face. She lies down directly on top of him and wiggles all around. Vomit. I don't comment on it anymore bc apparently, I'm the only one who thinks it is weird...guess I just never got the memo on "normal" daddy/daughter relationships. "Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~
Just reading that bothered
Just reading that bothered me.
me too. I think I threw up
me too. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. She is certainly old enough to know that is inappropriate and dh should certainly know! UGH. I get pissed that Creature still runs up and down the hall naked before and after bath (she's 5). I told dh starting this week that this will stop. She needs to learn some damn modesty.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Wow. When sd was 4 or 5,
Wow. When sd was 4 or 5, kind of similar stuff. kind of addressed how ladies sit, robes, etc. later on I found out she was exposed to some funky stuff around her mom. I am sure its not the same thing in your case, but I thought it was weird too. Finally just told my husband her behavior creeped me out and he needed to back me up.
"kind of addressed how
"kind of addressed how ladies sit"
*like*
These are words out of my mouth!!! I am sooo happy I'm not the only one trying to teach this!
Hey I missed that memo too!!
Hey I missed that memo too!!
I get weirded out when Dh has sd on his lap after the bath and she's 3! Idk Maybe I'll change my mind when I have kids but if she is grown up enough to say "You can't tell me what to do, I tell me what to do!" then shes grown up enough to start learning about personal boundries, and what is appropriate interaction between men and women who are not married/dating.
I'm with BB and the others.
I'm with BB and the others. My SD's are both in their twenties and when they cuddle up to daddy, sit on his lap, it just looks weird. But then again, I'm not from an affectionate family. SD's had to tell BM's entire family what an awful hugger I am. I honestly don't think I'm an awful hugger when I'm hugging someone I want to actually hug though.
My SD10 (nearly 11) does
My SD10 (nearly 11) does this a lot too. But that last couple of years it has decreased since my DH has been yelling at her about it--it makes him feel uncomfortable.
I see a lot of comments from
I see a lot of comments from BMs and SMs on here, but as a SF I feel slightly different than many. I agree that certain levels are inappropriate - that is obvious, but where that line is to be drawn and when is so tricky. I have read about this topic a lot online because my SD (9) can be sort of hot and cold with me now that she is hitting puberty.
Some background - I am a SUPER cuddly person. My parents called me their little cling-on because I would jump on them, cross my legs around their waste not letting them drop me. I don't even remember hold old I was when this stopped, if it ever did. I snuggled mostly with Dad, but that was because he was more the cuddly type like both me and my sister. My mom loved us too, but for some reason, maybe because Dad worked all the time, he was the object of the sibling rivalry for affection. I think I laid on him even into my teen years though it obviously dissipated over the years, and it was never something I did in front of my friends. But we were just close like that as a family.
What is different with a step daughter is 1) no blood relation, which makes things feel ever so slightly different (we also have a daughter age 1 - the love & affection is different somehow); and 2) today's society that thinks hugging in school is some form of sexual abuse.
I let my SD play on me, we wrestle and we mess with each other all the time. I ALSO do this with my SS 12, although she is the one usually more interested in the more affectionate cuddling, though I cuddle with him from time to time. I have known them since SS was 3 or 4 and SD 6 mo old. Their BM is also like me, so the whole family is close like that and I have yet to have BM tell me anything I have done is inappropriate. My parents one time saw SD sit on my lap and made a comment about her being too old for that and it looked weird. I can appreciate that, so I am doing my best to keep things as appropriate as the situation calls for - no PDA. At home, we are just a little more cuddly and I do tell her to get off from time to time if she is bouncing too much or just being obnoxious. But honest tenderness is difficult to find in this world sometimes, so why should we turn our house into a cold place where love cannot be expressed? Just my point of view, and luckily the woman I am married to shares this view of life. She still cuddles with her son 12 and I find it not weird, but so loving and purely unconditional. How many preteens still appreciate their parents' love, and vice versa?
I will add, we encourage them to meet other people and the SS12 has started dating this year some. We are not being selfish, just affectionate. Every family has to find their own comfort level. I also do not make advances on SD, but just let her come to me as she is in need of some human closeness from time to time, and a daddy's arms - even if only a SF - can be very powerful and different than a mother's embrace. There is a time for each, and she sometimes goes to mommy. I know these days are limited, and in fact I live overseas for now separated from my family, so I appreciate each little snuggle I get. I do not take the words of people who say "creepy, yuck, ewww" for anything other than people who must have at some point had a negative experience with human affection and boundaries, and that saddens me.
Just my two cents - there is no perfect answer to this age-old question.