Do I allow SD21 into my home for Christmas?!?!
As most of you know SD21 sent me some very hateful text earlier in the year. SInce that time, I have not spoken to her. She has been in the same room at family functions but thats it. Every Christmas she comes home and wakes up christmas morning with my other SD16 and my two girls.
Just one problem.... I cant get past the text to allow her into my home with me. I simply do not like her. She comes to my home when I am not there and sees her sister or my husband and normally has her hand out. I had the text saved on my phone so I could readdress the issue when she decided to apoligize. My DH wanted me to delete the text and move on. I NEVER deleted the text but they are gone. I had them locked and when I asked DH about it, he says he didnt delete them.
I cant bring myself to purchase the first gift for her. My stepmom has told me if I was a good person I would be forgiving and allow her into my home. I would be forgiving but I just want SD21 to address the wrong that she has done and stop playing this pitty party and stay out of mine and Dh's business. When she is ticked at Dh, he is the worlds worst dad but when he and I have problems then it falls on me.
We bought her a house at college two hours away which she no longer attends college and moved in with MIL just down the road from our house. The college house has been for sale for 6 months. My husband went to the house last weekend to find that SD21 WAS THERE and had been going back and forth to the house to have college parties and the house was trashed. My DH spent two days getting the house presentable, moving out her crap and fixing broke windows, repainting, changing locks, etc. I asked him WHY he didnt make her clean it up... His response was he was so mad that he told her to just leave.
I know when Christmas is here and I say how I truly feel, DH will not like what I will say but Im tired of botteling up my feelings to keep from hurting someones feeling when for a year now my feelings have been hurt. I dont owe SD not one single thing so why should I allow her to continue to step all over me. Better yet Dh allows her to also.
- sunshine's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She should be welcome in
She should be welcome in your home WHEN SHE APOLOGIZES. Your DH is an ass for taking care of the mess she made at that house, but fine he wants to see her for Christmas. Totally understandable, but he lives with YOU and he should also want YOU to be comfortable IN YOUR OWN HOME. She should also have to apologize for thrashing the house. If DH want hold her accountable for her actions (at 21) then she shouldn't be welcome in your home. She should learn what life is like without good relationships and she should be made aware that those relationships are failing because OF HER BEHAVIOR.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I may be grinchy, but I'm
I may be grinchy, but I'm not one of those people who believes you should behave differently in the name of Christmas than you would every other day. If you want to forgive her, and make her a part of your life again, that's very admirable. I wouldn't do it just because of the holiday though. Your resentment is going to be right there again the day after. I could not stand when my my ex and his family hated one another every day of the year, then on Christmas day put on fake smiles and pretended to like one another. Just doesn't seem right to me. If you truly were ready to forgive her, you could do it any time.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Just wanted to add that 21
Just wanted to add that 21 is more than old enough to be held accountable for your actions. She should be making amends. Not you.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
She should be required to
She should be required to address her WRONG and make it right. Anything else allows disrespect to a member of the family (You) and that is the cardinal rule in stepfamilies. If you don't have respect for each and every member you have SQUAT.
Hey girl! Ive been wodnering
Hey girl! Ive been wodnering about how things have been going for you.....I sure do miss you!
I agree that she would NOT be allowed in until she apologizes, period! As far as your SM is concerned, dont let her guilt you into doing something you dont wanna do! I mean, I am pretty big on forgiveness too, but ONLY when it's asked for, or I need to do it to move on with my life. I dont think you need to forgive her to move on with your life though! I think she shouldn't even be allowed in your home, period at all, until she apologizes. And as far as the Christmas gifts, let DH handle any gift giving that occurs. She's his kid, allow him to buy for her, though she'd get squat from me!
Tell your dh she stills owes
Tell your dh she stills owes you an apology for the evil text which somehow now has disappeared, and if she doesn't he can meet her outside somewhere.
THis will cause problems for you and your dh. He will get pist but stand your ground. People are right about the christmas thing. Its hypocritical to put the nicey nicey's and thengo back to hatred.
Welcome to my world. Don't
Welcome to my world. Don't allow her into your home. That's my opinion. I've decided the same in my situation. She's an adult and until she can behave as such, she should just stay away. But a question: why is she coming to your home when you're not there? That's YOUR home. If she wants to see her sister, let them visit at a coffee shop or somewhere else. If she's that rude, she shouldn't step foot into your home. JMO.
I think your DH owes you an
I think your DH owes you an apology too frankly.
I just realized that I wrote
I just realized that I wrote out the text on here as a past blog..... Oh I just cringed reading them again.... So I dont have the text on my phone but luckly me,, they are on here....
Would you mind reposting
Would you mind reposting them? I don't know the history on this one...
here is the text
here is the text messages...
"Pat yourself on the back. You have successfully torn this family apart because dad wanted things to work and you never gave a Sh*t. You have put an amazing amount of stress on everyone of us and you never even noticed cuz your head's lodged too far up you own a**. I dont know why you act like youre better than everybody else cuz to be better than someone you have to be be good first. And thats difinitely something youre not. You shouldve never married my dad cux you never loved him in the first. You deceived him for your own selfish reasons. You need to stay away from my family and should prob. ask your dad to take care of your kids cuz obviously you cant handle anything. I dont care anything for you and Im sick of having to deal with/hear about all your bullsh*t. Find you another sugar daddy that you can get somthin out of. You get what you give in I dont youve ever truly given your heart in your life. I hope youre never happy. Chances are you wont be.Thats all I have to say to you and ive held it in for what seems to be a lifetime. I advise you not to respond because I wont read it. Youre not worth my time and I dont think things need to get any uglier then youve already made them."
OK, then a resounding HELL
OK, then a resounding HELL NO from me. Do NOT let this girl into your home, for Christmas or any other time. If that's how she feels, she needs to go on her own and do her own thing. She's 21, time to sink or swim. And with the pent-up hostility in her, she shouldn't be in your house when you're not there.
Um, after reading this, I
Um, after reading this, I think NO she should not be allowed in your home. If you aren't worth her time, then she isn't worth your time or your forgiveness. screw her. She is old enough to know right from wrong. And if she thinks she can come in your home and eat your food and made her self comfortable on your furniture after saying those things, you should probably tell her to kiss your ass. My SD is only 5 and if she says anything disrespectful from me, it is made clear to her that she has two choices. One - respect me and have a happy, stress-free life, or two) don't respect me and spend a lot of time alone in her room.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Sounds like one of these
Sounds like one of these aweful letters they like to send to their Bioparents when they are not getting their way.
This just made me wonder how these kids would feel if we just let loose and told them how we really feel about them. I'm talking pure emotion like this....I mean, if we are all just going to speak our minds and let out the ugly emotions, maybe we all should just let loose.
I get that there is an adult/child boundary in saying hurtful things...but I understand this one is not a minor and once a child realizes what they are saying is mean and hateful they should be held to a certain standard too...the rule I started instituting in my house that gave me some peace finally is 'You get what you give' and my DH didn't argue. That might be the ONE thing he actually stood by me on and told her himself.
She obviously was venting on you and told you exactly what she felt in the moment....she may still think some of that but chances are really REALLY GOOD that she can't even remember what the hell she said. The very REAL situation here is since you were the one hurt....nobody really give a crap but you. This is how I feel sometimes....and DH is more to blame than his daughter because of that very reason.
I agree. It does sound like
I agree. It does sound like a nastygram from a bio-kid. In fact, I've received a few from my own adult daughter much worse than the one printed here. They think just because they are adults now that they automatically should have be afforded the same respect of more experienced adults. They forget who is the parent and who is the child. They think they know the miles you walked just so they could grow up to become little pottyheads.
I can tell you I would never talk to my mother, to this day, the way I hear some of these kids today talking to their parents and I am 40.
I think that you should offer to have lunch with her and let the elephant in the room into the open BEFORE Christmas. If you guys can at least come to a mutual understanding of each other she should be able to come for Christmas, but if she does not respond to your offer to clear the air, I would not allow her to come this year.
I do think you should try to
I do think you should try to forgive---doesn't mean you forget. Let's face it, most people don't apologize anymore, for an intended or uninteded wrong. And by holding onto the fact that they don't apologize, it is just eating you up, not them--they could care less. Forgiveness isn't really about them, it is about you. Only you can forgive, even if they do apologize, there are times when I am still not ready to forgive yet because of the hurt.
I definitely would not invite her to Christmas though. If for no other reason than to be able to enjoy the day. I have been thinking about having to spend Christmas eve with my IL's that I DO NOT LIKE, but you know what, I will bear the evening gracfully, so they can see that they don't get the better of me, but I WILL NOT have them here on Christmas day. That day is for DH, Boikids, Skids and me, not Il's, BM or anyone else I don't want to have around.
Ya I don't give a crap if
Ya I don't give a crap if it's not the norm or modern to apologize. She's entitled to her feelings but go vent them on the internet
Disrespect can't be tolerated and forgiveness is about you not her. You can forgive...on the grounds that she's an ignorant meanie, but it's humiliating to have to pretend you think it's OK. Doesn't that just say, I'm here and over the last round so you're free to clobber me again at will??? We all know Daddy's not going to do a damn thing about it so it's a free for all?
Yep! Forgive for your own
Yep! Forgive for your own sake, but don't forget and don't let her think she can keep doing this sort of garb. Don't let her back in, because she'll think you're her personal punching bag in the future.
Something today gave me
Something today gave me courage.. at lunch my DH came by and he could tell I was botteled up with emotions. I discussed a few things with him logically but depending on how bad Im botteled up I will yell at him. I hit the subject of SD and Christmas and he informed that I could not have my family over christmas at my house since SD21 cant come and IF SD21 does come over then he will not turn her away. So the words came out of my mouth, then if you allow that then there is no you and I. The conversation was never about OUR house it was his house or my house. It was never about how he knew she has hurt me but instead I need to tuck away in the corner and allow it to continue. I told him Christmas would be like any other day as far as SD21 goes and that I did not want her around me and I would not be purchasing any gifts for her. Guess what,, he teared up! Well I think I stood my ground and it doesnt bother me... so now I guess I wait and see what the holiday has in store for me.
Isn't there another place
Isn't there another place that he can meet with SD to celebrate Christmas? It's not that you don't him to 'dump' his daughter, you just don't want her in your house, right? Can't he find another place to celebrate with her?
And did you remind DH that YOUR family has not been disrespectful or mean to anyone in the family. SD, on the other hand, has and is.
I told him today that if he
I told him today that if he wished to see her that he could travel two miles down the road where his mother lives to see SD21. That was unacceptable because HE has a home for her to come too. I honestly feel like I am wasting my time. Im not making him choose. I simply want him to understand how she has made me feel and until that issue is resolved I cant put myself around her nor her in my home.
Then he's just being
Then he's just being unreasonable, IMO. He has other options, he's just choosing not to use them. He needs to be able to flex.
I agree with StepAside - He
I agree with StepAside - He is trying to make his life easier by making this your problem. Bullshit. She is HIS daughter. SHE created the problem. At no point is any of this your responsibility. You're simply laying down a boundary, which you are well within your right today. I have found that being firm works best because they aren't expecting it/they naturally think you'll give in to them for the sake of peace the same way they give into their brats for the sake of peace. He's projecting his own behavior on to you. Just like with children, if you're wishy washy, he'll look for the weak spot. Be decisive and let HIM deal with HIS problem.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
That is my experience as
That is my experience as well. As long as there's give in you, then they are motivated to see how far they can get you to give rather than doing what they may know is 'right' but will be their effort not yours.
This was my favorite part of
This was my favorite part of your post "My DH wanted me to delete the text and move on"
Therefore, I think you should send her a nasty text, just like the one she sent you...when your DH confronts you, you can tell him "She just needs to delete it and MOVE ON!" I am sick of people with that attitude...the one who is nasty gets to move on and you have to just let it slide? Are you kidding?
Good luck...honestly, I would do it...