does disengagement reward rudeness?
This website is wonderful when you feel totally alone.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. The only thing we have ever argued about is his adult children, specifically, their rudeness to me. It has nearly broken up our marriage for he does not call them on it.
Finally, in response to his 37 year old daughter's request to stay with us for 3 weeks with her children and husband, I decided to address it directly. I told her that they were welcome on the basis that I would be treated with respect and dignity in my home. All hell broke loose. She wrote me a 3 page letter of hatred and vitriol making it clear that her relationship was with her father, not me and that I should leave them alone. She explained that she had intended to exclude me and would continue to do so. Needless to say, she is not staying here when she comes.
On one hand she did me a favour for the issue is squarely in the open. No more talk from my husband that I am imagining the rudeness. Also, it means that I have to disengage and stop trying to make things work.
Obviously my husband wants to see her, his son in law and grandchildren when they come. He acknowledges that it would be silly to have them here with the huge family gatherings I usually arrange during her visits. So, he is planning to go out with them. He will probably plan outings or a nice restaurant and include his other family members who live here. I will not go.
Now to my question. Does this simply reward her behaviour? Has she achieved her object of getting rid of me? Should I even care?
I know and love my husband. Still, I know beyond any doubt that he will not say that she has crossed the line and that her behaviour is unacceptable. I can't help feeling betrayed by him. Do I need to get over that in order to disengage fully?
Thanks.
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No, I don't think that is
No, I don't think that is rewarding her. She's his daughter and your HD has every right to want to see her BUT you don't have to put up with her crap. She should never be welcome in your home. Too bad for her. Don't let her get between your and your HD. That would reward her. Just try and move on. Tell him you want to hear nothing of her visit and that if she runs you down you expect him to stand up for you. What a witch.
Thanks, I needed
Thanks, I needed that!
Especially the part about not asking about her visit. I have been thinking that I needed to be part of his life and would have otherwise asked all about it, thereby upsetting myself. It is indeed a challenge not to let her get between us.
Thanks again.
No problem, I have learned
No problem, I have learned the hard way but now any mention of BM upsets me so I chose to ignore her very existence (when I can).
It's as though they fail in their marriage so they want us to fail in ours. Evil. Good luck with it all.
Your DH should put his
Your DH should put his children in their place. That would be the right thing to do. However, it doesn't sound like he's going to do that, so for your own peace of mind, yes disengagement would be appropriate for you. What do you care if it rewards her? At least you won't have to put up with her or alter your life to accomodate her. Believe me, once you have mastered that, it is very liberating.
I did this originally with my husband and his teenaged daugthers. He grew very tired of my not being around every time his kids where there. He was very worried because we began to drift apart. He knew if it kept up, he would lose me. He let his kids know where they stood in the grand scheme of things and things have gotten much better since.
I still don't do anything for them. Heck, I haven't even seen them since August. It is wonderful!
I understand it is her
I understand it is her relationship with her dad...but i think your dh should arrange time with her when she visits and then you should throw a party with all family excluding her when she is there.
Let him go out and then invite all family members expect his rude daughter and have party and enjoy.
This daughter will feel she's won becuaase you are not at the restaurant. I honestly think your dh shoudl go alone with no family members to see her to make a stand. Yes i'm here for you as a father and you will see me but you dont exclude my wife concerning the entire family.
These are very interesting,
These are very interesting, and helpful comments. One of the problems of being in this situation is not feeling centered. The conduct is so ridiculous that you lose confidence.
I realize that DH inadvertently set a trap for me. When SD said she was going to stay with us, he told her to ask me. I had not heard from her in over a year. I took the opportunity to try to address the problems that arose the last time she was in our home. (It was over the top.) I had to speak my truth. Yet I fell into the trap.
I am now plagued with feelings of betrayal from DH. His planned dinner with the family does reward her. "Totalybogus" says why should I care. Good point. However, I do and that is why I am struggling. I really need him to create consequences for her as a way of respecting me. Perhaps Angel72's idea of dinner wiht her and not the rest of the family is the way to go.
Thanks for the responses.
This would make her realize,
This would make her realize, yah, she has her father without your presents, but this means its only him and only him. No one else. But that is up to your dh to do this. Now if he insists on the whole family going to dinner then i would insist you tell him there is a date as well for the entire family, that you will call up everyone to invite them and it would be nice to see everyone. Just say nothing for his daughter. And when the occasion arises and he says, hey where is sd, hey you already took her out. Now its my turn to lavish the family without her.
But if your dh agrees to only go out iwth her and not the family , then that would be the right thing. The family doesn't have to be there while he is out for his daughter. She wanted him right??? well she got him.
You can also say this to your dh. Hey, she said its between you and her so i think it would be best for you to take her out for dinner and her hubby alone to make it morepersonal. Leave the other family out of it, We can throw something for all , on another date.
My parents divorced when I
My parents divorced when I was in my 20's, both have remarried and are happy with their spouses. I get along with both step parents just fine but things could have gone another way. I told my dad shortly into his marriage that he is best served NOT to come to me with problems with his wife. (my mom never did this) Venting to me would only cause me to take sides and she would always loose, he is my dad. He got the message and it has been the best thing for us.
I have respect for my step mom and step dad simply because they make my parents happy, no other reason. I did not grow up with these people, I don't know much about them but they seem nice enough to me and I figure my parents are old enough to deal with the decisions they make in their lives. Why in the hell can't folks understand that? And another thing, neither of my parents would put up with me being disrespectful to their spouse, not for a hot minute.
Piss on them I say.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
It is wonderful to hear the
It is wonderful to hear the comment from a stepchild's perspective. I have long thought that they do what is expected of them. I have stepchildren from a former marriage. (Their father died 10 years ago.) While we did have some issues since they were young when I married their father, we worked through them and I have had a fabulous relationship with them before and after the untimely death of their dad. They were very thoughtful when I remarried 5 years later and are accepting and gracious to DH. Their BD would never have tolerated this disrespect. Glad other Stepchildren feel the same way. Thanks Evil.
I suggested that DH go out
I suggested that DH go out only with daughter. This led to a blow up between us. I am not sure how to avoid having this issue break us apart.
Maybe write him a letter
Maybe write him a letter saying why you suggested it and tell him exactl how it all makes you feel. Tell him you want him to think about your letter and respond in kind. That way he can't just blow up. He needs to take time and think and hopefully see your perspective.
Good idea. Will try it.
Good idea. Will try it. Although I get so tired of these issues, I want to throw in the towel. (I guess that is why this website is so helpful.)
I can understand what you
I can understand what you say when you say you have lost your confidence. You know in your heart that it is they who have the problem, but when you are faced with such hostility, you begin to question yourself and the reality of the ridiculous situation you find yourself in. It eats away at you.
But to answer your question, no I don't think your disengaging is allowing her to win. I have disengaged as best I can from my 2 adult step-daughters. And yes, it does bug me when I can't go along to a get together because of them and the poison they have chose to spread about me to other members of my dh's family. I would love to be a fly on the wall to hear exactly what lies have been told, then to be able to go in and tell them what has really been going on!
But at the end of the day, it is easier not to be part of their lives than constantly endure their nastiness and lack of support from my husband in these situations. I would rather just rise above them and their shallow, pitifull existences.
Thank you so much. I think
Thank you so much. I think that only those of us in this ridiculous situation understand the difficulties. Your comment about the "lack of support" from your husband resonates so clearly. That, to me is more hurtful than the childish, rude and disrespectful behaviour of his adult "children." In fact, at this point, after 4 years of trying, my marriage is all I care about.
My challenge is to maintain an intimate, loving relationship with him -- while we have this "elephant in the room."
Hello from yet another adult
Hello from yet another adult stepbrat survivor! I disengaged over a year ago now, and it was the best choice I ever made. After years of making efforts and being laughed at, one day I woke up and decided that I would no longer tolerate rude, spiteful, disrespectful people in my life. Period. Life is too short.
Gone were the adult stepbrats!
They are no longer welcome in my home. No parties, no dinners, no faked "family" celebrations. If DH wants to spend time with his darlings, he now goes to their homes, or takes them out to dinner--alone. I don't even answer the phone when they call--I am not an answering service.
At first I, too, thought that the stepbrats might think they were being rewarded for their bad behavior. After all, they were being taken out and daddy appeared at their door. I thought they might think they had "won" by seeing Daddy and not having to deal with me anymore.
Just the opposite. Without me as a buffer, DH found out rather quickly how dreadful is was to spend time with his spiteful spawn. They are under-educated, angry, and boring. The trips to restaurants gradually peetered out. The visits to their homes became less frequent and shorter. DH discovered that he likes my company (and BD's company)much more than the company of his adult children.
I can't help but think that the stepbrats feel left out now. Their Daddy leads a pretty happy life, and they are allowed only a piece of it. He can take them to the fanciest restaurants on Earth, but they are not satisfied. What they really wanted was to keep fanning the family chaos, to continue to rake me over the coals, and to assert their power and negativity into our lives--especially mine.
No more. I am free!
Wow... maybe that light at
Wow... maybe that light at the end of the tunnel is not a train. Thx