I am in a similar situation and made my mind up about the decision. DH has two sons (8 & 4) and I always wanted to be a mother, but I only want one child. Always have. Works great b/c DH wanted 3 kids and we obviously hope for a girl. But once upon a time, I felt and questioned all the things you do question. And every man and woman are different. There can be a balance and honestly you will probably love your child more than you love your SK and NOTHING is wrong with that. A biological child and a step-child are VERY different. WIth your biological child, you hold a stronger bond with b/c it came from you. Doesnt mean you cant love your SS and treat him well. I love my SS but they really get on my nerves and I'm sure my own kid will do the same but it will be my kid and that will make a huge difference b/c I can choose how to raise, discipline, etc MY own child. You shouldnt let your SS or a crappy BM determine whether you and your DH want to have a child. Why should you give up something you want just b/c their is a SS in the picture.

deleted

oh my... its like i wrote this 2 yrs ago...
I had a 2.5 yo ss when BD was concieved. I thought the same things, it wouldnt be special for DH cause he had done that with someone else, and this was the first time for me. I even went to the extent of telling him i didnt want him in the delivery room because he has already done that. When it came down to it, he came with me, of course. I asked him if it would be the same to him, I felt as if he would be reliving his life with her, instead of sharing a new experience with me.
This is what he told me:

he said that it wasnt the same. When ss was born, he was scared, and in a not so fun way because he didnt know how he would be as a father.
He wasnt as concerned for BM as he was for me. It hadnt occured to him that something might happen to BM that would puther in danger, but his thoughts of things happening to me during labor ran through his mind constantly.
He wasnt sure of his future with BM.
He says that it IS very different because the feelings for the person are different, maybe my case is special b/c DH didnt love BM, he was with her cause she was PG, but according to him, the nerves, everything was new to him because it was a new person.

As for loving your biokids more than an skid, you will love them both on different levels, and of course, a biokid more becuase you did share the experience of birth with them, and they did come from you. I love BD, she is my world, and i do admit i sometimes feel like i give her more attention than DH (then again shes 1 and ss is almost 4, so she needs more attention) but I have this extra spot for ss. I try to give him his spot of belonging in our family. I sometimes spoil him because i think he doesnt get that affection from BM since shes never around him. I cay say I would put my bd above my ss, but because in reality, hes not mine, i cant make decisions for him like a parent, and he has his own mother to do for him(it took me soooo long to realize that I AM NOT HIS MOM, I CANNOT TAKE HER PLACE).
Like i said, there are different levels of love, but I have learned to give each their special spot.

Do it when YOU feel is right. It is a hard spot to put your kids in though, i will tell you that much. My BD is a yr old, and she is so attached to her brother, and it sucks that he doesnt live with us, she cries for him when he leaves, and it breaks my heart. It hurts to not be able to give him all the attention that i give her, but hes not mine, and I cant do it all for him like I do her.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this myself.

When I was pregnant, I had all these questions. I knew it would be special for DH because he loved me. But as a skid myself, I also wondered if he would love our child more deeply than he did (and does) the SDs. This really sat heavily on my mind for a long time and it's still something I think about.

I came to the conclusion that he'd love the kids all equally. His relationships with BM and myself have no bearing on how much he'd love all the kids. He'd love them all equally. Yes, at the time he wasn't living with the SDs. But he'd love them all the more for treating the baby with respect and being good big sisters. My bio-kid would have loved those girls

I miscarried not because of the SDs, but because of the stress brought about by the situation with BM. BM knew I was pregnant and fed the kids lies like "you're not part of your dad's family anymore," "your dad doesn't need you anymore, he has Anon and their kid," and "your dad doesn't love you anymore because he's got his child with Anon." All sorts of stuff like that. She took jabs at me too. The whole situation ended up causing me to miscarry. But I let BM get to me too much. She occupied too much of my precious brain space. You should talk it over with DH and do what you both feel is right, and talk about how it will impact everyone in your family.

No problems. SD was 7 when our first son was born and 10 when our second was here. I should say no unusual problems. She did hit my son more than a few times, but that was her nasty personality--not about her being Step. She did start lieing about me--out of jealousy I think and a little PAS (at the time). With our second child she is much better, no problems at all.

As far as BM is concerned, she has not been any better or worse. She talks to my sons, smiles at them and waves if they see her from the window....things that normal adults do when kids stare or start conversation with them. BM was single when we had our first child and was married and pregnant when I had my second.

Some BMs flip out some don't. Some kids get worse some get better. There really isn't anyway for you to tell which way it will go. But I urge you to have children if that is what you want, don't put your life on hold for BM.

My H loves the kids the same, there is no difference. I felt similar when I was pregnant with my first child. I thought a bit resentful that he had went through this experience with someone else. But the truth is it is different. I have had two children and each one is so different from the pregnancy to the delivery to how or when they conquer all of there firsts. I can not compare my sons, your DH will not be able to compare his children either.

DH and I each have our "own" children and would like an "ours".

I've asked him several times if he'll resent the bio-child since his kids live with their mom and we'd get the baby to ourselves.

I think out of the 5 kids we have now (yes, we're absolutely crazy for wanting another one) I can only see SS13 and SD7 being jealous.

I was ever so fortunate to find pics/video's on his laptop of BM giving birth to their youngest, who was the "miracle" baby (b/c he was born on Christmas) and I really wanted to drive my head into a brick wall after I found them (DH claims that he didn't know they were on there yada yada yada). I saw way more than I needed to and it hurt. (DH had a vasectomy afterwards and he has to get it reversed before we can try)

I think DH will probably feel bad for not spending a lot of time with his kids when he had the chance. I don't think he'll resent our child, but just regret not being there for his kids when they were younger (he hid in his work to stay away from BM).

I just hope that they understand that their dad loves them no more or less than the new baby.

"I aint no Carol Brady"

I think
you will love all the kids differantly, I have three he has one, and we have none together. My three kids I love equally, but differantly,
my oldest is my first, my baby is my last and my middle son, shared some difficult momets with his father and I that i think will bond us for life, my SS I love but It's not the same as my own, we decided (or should I say I) that I didn't want a yours,mine and ous in my house ( I had my tubes tied, mostly because i was getting too old to have more kids)If your husband wants more, think thats what counts, and you guys will be fine.