Why do some men try to change the very thing(s) that attracted them to us in the first place?
My girlfriend told me once several years ago that my looks and personality attract men to me, but as soon as they have me, they want me to change all that.
Every man I have dated has tried to change me. They want me to now start acting differently when we're out. Be LESS outgoing and friendly (which SO's consider flirting!), watch the eye contact (considered flirting, too!), and ONLY pay attention to ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My FH tried to change certain things about me, but I refused to change myself for another man. He's known me for twenty years, and he can take it or leave it!
I am tired of hearing stupid idiotic things come out of a man's mouth due to his own INSECURITIES!!!!!!!!
Any of you ladies have a similar situation?
Please tell us!
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My husband's favorite thing
My husband's favorite thing he used to say about me was, "She's such a free spirit...she goes wherever the wind takes her.."blahblahblah...currently it's his least favorite thing about me. He used to love many of my traits and now seems to find them most irritating. Of course...I can say the same about some of HIS traits I used to find endearing. I think after a while, you both grow and change so much and want the other person to grow and change with you in the same direction. The secret to lasting is appreciating that person's personal growth and changes even if it isn't in the direction you'd prefer...Dh and I work on this every day. Although I have made him stop being so overly chipper with me in the morning...I need my silence at 5:30am. his reasoning for being so AWAKE and CHEERFUL... "I just look forward to seeing you every morning and I'm happy to see you and be with you so I'm CHIPPER!"
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
My wife likes her sleep
My wife likes her sleep too.
I'm a early riser myself.
I don't know, somethin about a new day. The possibilities are overwhelming I guess.
It's a time to greet. A time to start whatever you want. It's good coffee, good breakfast, good conversations.
Summers are hotter than Hell here in AZ so that's as cool as it's going to get. Times a wasting! lets get up and do sumpin!!!
I have a very outgoing
I have a very outgoing personality, and often may be accused of being flirtatious, but never really considered myself to be "flirting." Then I read a book called " Kosher Adultery", that really gave me some insight to men and women's views in this area. Sometimes our men feel that way because while he fell in love with you because of those qualities, you may have, without knowledge, stopped being this way with him, and only with others. This is where the " wanting you to change" may be coming from. Start "flirting" more with your FH, make him the focus of your flirtatious behavior when out alone or even with others...I have found that it has increased dh and my love life and has given him the security he desires, knowing I only have eyes for him. Btw, I am not Jewish, but this book is great! Every woman should want to have an affair with her husband and this book shows both men and women how to achieve this through the life of their marraige!
Nice point there too.
Nice point there too.
Ego. That's all it is.
Ego. That's all it is. They know how hot you are, and don't want some other "hunter" to come in and steal their hard earned prize. Yet, if you were to actually change, the challenge would no longer be there. They would get bored quickly and find something else.
Men make me laugh sometimes...
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
I could write a book about
I could write a book about this. I think the reason they try to change what attracted them to us is because they don't want others to be attracted to us. Its the caveman mentality.
I did in the past. I must
I did in the past.
I must admit that my DH still loves everything about me, just the way I was! I think the only difference is I've honestly adapted his view politically, and he's beginning to adapt my religious views.
In my past relationship he tried to change EVERYTHING about me. He always wanted me to dress skimpier than I do now, skimpier than I feel comfortable. He wanted me to do alot of things that just weren't me. I had to pretend to enjoy so many stupid sports that I just freaking hate. So many things about my attitude and my feelings had to be pushed aside so that I would adapt his everything. It sucked, I hated it, and I couldn't freaking breath.
I was, and still am, amazed at how little my DH has expected or wanted me to change. He likes the way I dress conserative when without him, but a little less when with him, he likes the way I'm outgoing, he doesn't make me watch stupid shit that I don't like (okay, sometimes I volunteer myself to the stupid shit), etc. I love being me. I love cracking jokes and acting stupid, and I love it even more that he loves it to!
I don't want to change, I think I'm perfect the way I am! So does he. THANK YOU GOD, I finally found someone that doesn't want to change me!!!!
Sorry fifthwheel, hope I wasn't rubbing it in. But I've been on both sides of this issue and it's so wonderful to NOT have to change.
Hmmm... This is a touchy
Hmmm...
This is a touchy subject.
But I will give you a mans perspective.
From a man's perspective he wants to be honored by his wife.
So when you are out in public he doesn't feel you are honoring him just because you are there with him. that means nothing.
If you are flirting and caring on, having a good ol time like when you were single, you are dishonoring him.
You are making him look like a shmuck in front of everyone.
And that tells all the men out there they can be with you, and the shmuck you are with will be a satellite male. Never going to do anything to fight for his woman. Just wait around for you in the background.
You are saying to every woman out there I can be as free as I want and he will follow suit. Which no woman is attracted to a boy.
They want a man. You are making him look unmanly.
He looses in every aspect of all he is.
Today's day and age has confused the crap out of what is right and wrong.
This bull shit about oh he shouldn't feel this way is flat out wrong
I am sure I will catch a bunch a flack from you women in here.
But that is it in a nut shell.
I like this Jon-Boy Work out
I like this Jon-Boy
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Thank you.
Thank you.
If my man doesn't feel
If my man doesn't feel honored by my presence, he need not be my man.
*I* feel like the luckiest girl in the room to enter with DH... because he's DH. Not because of something he DOES, but because of who he IS.
Neither spouse should flirt, period. But if I'm a social creature, he should accept that I am social and not try and change me once we're married. And vice versa. He's not "a satellite male" because I talk to other beings who happen to have testicles. He's MY husband and I am HIS wife and for all the people I carry on a conversation with, he is the only one I am leaving with. Ever.
If I have the power to make my man unmanly, then he likely wasn't working with much to begin with.
I value and respect a confident and secure man. An insecure, chauvenistic, or controlling man has no place in my life.
Squillion quote; (If I have
Squillion quote;
(If I have the power to make my man unmanly, then he likely wasn't working with much to begin with.)
Your kidding right?
Your saying your words or actions should never effect your man?
I understand what you are saying about insecure controlling men. Believe me I do.
I also agree that neither spouse should flirt.
Being social and keeping yourself acting appropriately, and your spouse being OK with that, is the way it should be.
BUT..."IF" you didn't act that way?
Lets say you were flirting with some men on a night out.
Honestly how would your husband react?
I am not saying anything about if he trusts you. (This always seems to go there.)
What do you honestly think his feelings would be?
I understand some men take this to far. They are dealing with this in a insecure way. Lets set that aside.
I am speaking for the males that have that spouse that does not know the line between flirting and just being social.
I have seen good men accused of this because of some immature woman acting like a teenage little teeny bop-per getting her own rocks off cause she is needy and wants attention.
So he speaks his mind and suddenly he is controlling? He is immature?
He is not trying to change anyone. Just a questionable behavior.
If my wife tells me she is concerned about my behavior I have to give it a second look and wonder if this is true?
Or maybe it is her that just has an issue. Both scenarios I would talk it out with her. As much as I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want her to do the wrong thing.
Huh? I said "neither spouse
Huh? I said "neither spouse should flirt" and then you say "if you're flirting...."
If EITHER spouse is flirting they are behaving inappropriately. It isn't about emasculating your man, it's about disrespecting your partner.
"I am speaking for the males that have that spouse that does not know the line between flirting and just being social."
Well, then I'd say those males made a poor choice of spouse and should do better next time.
Rappers have a saying... best put into words by the artist Kurupt.
"So what you found a hoe that you like
But you can't make a hoe a housewife"
That goes for men and women. Don't marry a hoe hoping s/he'll change.
I know you said "neither"
I know you said "neither" spouse should flirt.
That is what I was in agreement with you on.
I re-read it, maybe It comes off different than I meant it to.
Anyways.
Lets back up here a bit.
This blog is about a a woman who does not want to be changed.
She is saying she gives off an attractive energy out to others and her husband was attracted to her for this. So he should not have a problem with it now that they are married.
This makes me wonder if she is not understanding the difference of being social or being flirtatious.
So if she is acting just like she did when she met her husband, to other men...
Then yeah she should re analyze herself and learn to honor her husband.
It's not about picking the perfect person. There just is not a perfect person out there.
We all have our crap, our baggage, our issues.
But when we are doing something wrong and your spouse is trying to correct it, it does not mean you are being controlled.
It means we can't take being wrong, and we are throwing a fit about it.
So who is really trying to control who here?
I highly doubt that Barbie
I highly doubt that Barbie is so dense that she can't tell flirting from socializing.
And being charasmatic and social is often misinterpreted as flirting when it is anything but.
"But when we are doing something wrong and your spouse is trying to correct it, it does not mean you are being controlled."
Um. Yeah, actually. You "Correct" a dog when you train it. You "discuss" things with your spouse when something bothers you.
"Then yeah she should re analyze herself and learn to honor her husband."
I think we are at an impasse, Jon. Language like this is far too "barefoot n pregnant" for my tastes.
That's fine Squillion. Call
That's fine Squillion.
Call me chauvinistic.
Bicker over the word "Correct." It does not really matter to me. I am not over sensitive to these things.
I stand for marriage. I stand for saving a marriage.
And if her marriage is on the rocks and if my words can maybe send over a perspective view that may just save a relationship I will make my voice be heard.
I back my wife 100% over her concerns with my behavior.
I consider her feelings.
And I make choices to try and help our relationship.
I call that, "her correcting me."
I am not foolish to think, "Oh we had a discussion about that." And I chose to do the right thing.
That is far to complicated for a man. We are more basic than that.
Sorry if I ruffled your feathers. You seem to have me pegged.
I didn't call you
I didn't call you chauvinistic.
"I am not foolish to think, "Oh we had a discussion about that." And I chose to do the right thing.
That is far to complicated for a man. We are more basic than that."
That's where we differ, Jon. I don't think of my husband as some simple beast who needs me to correct him. I have far more respect for him than that.
We will just have to agree to disagree.
Au contraire, Jon-Boy....no
Au contraire, Jon-Boy....no flack here....u are 100% right...half the battle of maintaining a good relationship is knowing how to stroke a man's.......LOL....ego....I learned a long time ago what DH needs from me and he knows what I need from him...and even all these years later,,,when we are out in mixed company...I only have eyes for him...works wonders for a relationship ;).....don't get me wrong...I am still very outgoing....I just know exactly what he needs to feel secure and I give it to him....he does the same for me...and it works!
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
You rule!
You rule!
The two issues I have had
The two issues I have had problems with are: 1) I also have often been labeled a "free spirit" by my boyfriends; 2) I'm very smart and highly educated.
These things have been very attractive to all the men I've dated ... at the BEGINNING. But eventually, "Honey, you're SUCH A free spirit" tends to turn into "That's not appropriate behavior for my girlfriend." (Mind you, I am NOT a flirt at all. Never have been. But I am very casual, and most of my life I've had a lot of guy friends, so I'm very comfortable around guys.) And, "Honey, you are soo intelligent, I love that about you" turns into the guy feeling very intimidated and/or defensive that I might actually disagree with him on a political point or in an intellectual debate. And that I MIGHT be right. I have to say that every single guy I've ever dated for longer than a month eventually got very defensive about this. I think most men want their women to be just a LITTLE dumber than they are. Ego, I guess.
Probably Jon-Boy's right about men wanting to be "honored" -- meaning that if they feel insecure about some aspect of their wife's behavior, they feel that it makes them look like a loser and "unmanly." However, not all men have this attitude.
Luckily, I found the guy for me. My DH, who is WICKED smart, has never ever been intimidated by me intellectually. He says that when I disagree with him during a discussion, it makes him immediately want to rethink his perspective, because he knows how smart I am. And when we go out? He WANTS me to dress sexy and act vivacious. His reasoning? "Are you kidding me? When you walk in on my arm, then all the other men look at me and say, WOW, he has HER!" He loves it when other men look at me -- he says he thinks it probably makes other men wonder about what he has between his legs!
We were in Mexico about a year ago, and one night we went out and I wore a SLUTTY as hell outfit (something I would never have the guts to wear in my hometown) and platform heels. I did this completely for my husband, to get a "rise" out of him
... The men were all staring at me with their mouths hanging open. My husband LOVED it!!!!!!
I guess what I'm saying is, feeling "honored" is relative. My husband trusts me completely, so never feels insecure. And he doesn't need to feel like the number one in the relationship, so if I'm the center of attention for a while at a party, well, then he feels like he's getting attention by association -- because after all, HE's the one who got me to marry him!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
(belleboudeuse Quote;) (2)
(belleboudeuse Quote;)
(2) I'm very smart and highly educated.)
LOL!!
Come on now, you gatta give me this one... That's funny stuff right there!
I don't get it. Why is that
I don't get it. Why is that funny?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
My fault. My wife and I
My fault. My wife and I talked about that comment.
I read it as a double statement that just struck me as funny.
I read it kinda like this.
"I am pretty and good looking!" (Does that make sense?)Kinda funny???
And did not realize you were talking about a few of the various types of intelligence.
So when you were stating how smart you are, I showed my knuckle dragging cave man self and joked about what you said.
Sorry no offence.
I read less into what you wrote than what really was there.
Can you tell how many levels of intelligence I am working on?
Oh, sure. My DH and I laugh
Oh, sure. My DH and I laugh about that when people say something like: "It's simple, it's easy, and it's ____." I have no idea what the difference is between simple and easy. But people say that all the time, like it's two different things.
But I do think "smart" and "highly educated" are two different things. My dad was really smart, but he only graduated high school. And my ex-husband had two masters degrees, but he was an IDIOT. In my case, I'm smart, and I have a Ph.D. Both of these things have been a problem with men I've dated. See what I mean?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I gotcha. I on the other
I gotcha.
I on the other hand, I am not that smart.
But I learn fast!
I usually don't understand things. And jump to my own conclusions. And do allot of back tracking to get on the right course. I am very irritating but lovable at the same time...
And that comes with only a G.E.D. and a few college courses.
So that means my hands are usually dirty.
And if you are smart? You will know better then to stick your hand out to meet me.
Cause I will shake your hand to greet you with whatever I have on them, and smile. Cause for the moment I got one on ya.
Nice talking to you again Belleboudeuse...
