Dilemma
I have two adult skids that have young children. They insist on referring to us as Opa (granddad in Dutch) and 'my name'.
One of the grandchildren has started calling me by my first name now, which bothers me, because I would like to be known as Oma (grandma) and not by my first name.
Even if it's Oma + my first name, it would be fine.
I feel that it not only is improper for a young child to call an elder by their first name only, but it is divisive to only call the grandfather (my husband) Opa , and me by my first name.
When we confronted the parents about this, they thought it was ridiculous for me to make such a request. They said that in order to call me Oma, indicates more intimacy, and they don't accept me as a stepmother, and they 'don't need a stepmother, because they have a mother.
I found this very hurtful, as I feel that not only passes down their resentful feelings to their children, whom I would like to try to have a more natural relationship with, but puts a 'stigma' on me as being an 'outsider' in the family.
The relationships have been very strained from the beginning with all 4 daughters, but at times we (my husband and I) have felt we were making progress, and the daughters were accepting me more, but this clearly indicates that is not the case.
This is something that has come up only with the two older skids, as they are the ones with children.
I am feeling discouraged, and fearful that this resentment towards me will be passed to the grandchildren, through the 'subtleties' of the parents.
They think this is a non-issue, but the fact that in refusing to refer to me in this manner, it makes it an issue.
Am I wrong to want or expect this?
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Comments
I don't think you are wrong
I don't think you are wrong at all. I completely agree with you. What does your husband think? How long have you been a SM?
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Stand up strait, take a deep breath, exhale and smile
My husband agrees with me.
My husband agrees with me. It's not only this issue, as they have several ways of showing me I am just the 'roll' that comes with the 'meal' (their dad).
It's not so much the name, but what it implies.
I have been a SM for 5 years.
Thanks for your feedback.
I do think you are wrong. If
I do think you are wrong. If you don't want them calling you by your first name they can call you Mrs. Lastname, or Miss Firstname. You aren't their grandmother. You're their stepgrandma. For you to mandate they call you grandma would only drive a wedge deeper between you.
I wouldn't worry about the name. The name doesn't dictate the relationship. If they grow to think of you as Opa, Opa you will be. But to make a "rule" that you are Opa... makes you very much less Opa.
BTW - My husband calls his grandparents Frank and Nancy because those are their names. When he was small, they asked what he'd like to call them and he asked what their names were... and that's who they are. He doesn't resent them. Or dislike them. They are no less his grandparents because they are Frank and Nancy than they would be if they were grammie and gramps.
There was no 'forcing', I
There was no 'forcing', I just asked if they had a problem with it, because that is what I would like.
Thank you for your comments.
My father divorced my mother
My father divorced my mother when I was 24 and I had two very young children. My children call their Grandpa - Grandpa and my stepmother by her first name. But the name Grandma is reserved for my mother. My dad did try and have my children call her grandma - but I strongly objected, due to the feelings of my mother.
Had I been younger during the divorce maybe I would have felt different
I look at it no different than me forcing my SK to call me Mom when they have there own mom.
dogmom, I haven't answered
dogmom, I haven't answered because I had to ponder this one for a little while. I think, and hope, it's a ways away before I am in this same situation. So for me to know your feeling is impossible.
However, my mom is remarried to a man that I like alot. She married him two years ago. My daughter is two. From the time my daughter was born my mom would say "go see grandpa" or anything like that. I didn't like it. He's not "grandpa" to my daughter. It has nothing to do with me not liking him, I think it has alot to do with me not really knowing him very well.
Mom still referrs to him as "grandpa" to my daughter, I still refer to him as his first name to my daughter. We've never talked about it, I thought about it once or twice just to tell her why I don't really like it, but I just haven't wanted to upset her. I don't think I'd mind, but my mother was married before when my son was a baby and my son called him gpa for six years......then the divorce came and I always felt like he's the one that got robbed to!
I don't want my daughter to call a man her gpa, that may not be there for her later on in life.
BUT.........
I hope that my SD15's kids call me something cool! I don't know about gma, but maybe a sweet knickname from my little tikes! I do feel that I've had a major hand in raising her and I will expect to be treated that way, KWIM?
Maybe I'm dishing out a double standard. I need to think about this some more and see if maybe I need to reconsider my thoughts and feelings tward my own step father.
Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your insight. All of this is very helpful. Somehow, the way you put it makes me see it from another angle.
I appreciate all of your
I appreciate all of your responses to my dilemma. Thank you, it gives me food for thought.
Since you are not treated or
Since you are not treated or respected as a 'granma' type figure, I would not act as one! The daughter will understand that and act accordingly.
The exact name is flexible I am sure, it is the respect that is lacking from SD. I would explain to DH what you are doing, but this is really between you and SD I think.
You are right, it is completely disrespectful and an attempt to exclude you, which is a two-way street. Oh well, her child is the one that will miss out, thanks to SD. I guess that is what your SD wants!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2