Step families and funerals
Hello,
My husband's grandmother just passed away (God bless her) and my step-daughter has asked if her bm can come to the wake and funeral. I was surprised by this request because our families have always remained separate. I very briefly explained that it wouldn't be appropriate because her bm barely knew Great Gramma. But my daughter brought it up again and said her bm might come to the wake because she remembers Great Gramma. I really doubt that she would come - no one in my husband's family likes bm - but I don't want to leave it to chance. BM can be very stubborn when it comes to "granting her children's wishes" so I wouldn't put it past her to show up. Should we approach bm or have another sit down with my step daughter?
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I guess it depends
on how old the child is....... Does SHE want BM there or is BM the one pushing it? Lobsterlunch.....love the name...
she asked if her mom could
she asked if her mom could come. I know, I should think of her wishes... but overall,it just seems so inappropriate!
I kinda went through the
same thing....I know how you feel.... My DH's bro died 2 yrs ago and at the time, SD20 had just moved back in w/BM. He was very young, so it was a shock to everyone. I didn't really want to tell BM, but I called her b/c SD needed to know. BM HATED Dh's bro when they were married, so I didn't think it'd be a problem really....
That is until she showed up at the funeral! DH was so upset & didn't really know what to say to her. He was so focused on the grief he was feeling that he asked me if I would ask her to leave. I did...she didn't. I didn't push the issue b/c I didn't want drama at the funeral, but it was soooo f'in rude! She chummed up to the IL's like she just loved them! They all hated each other when Dh and her were married. MIL hates me, so she poured it on SUPER thick for my benefit. That's ok, I have thick skin.
I don't know what to tell you. I guess it'd be all up to DH in how he'd really like to handle it.
I would have another sit down with the sd.
Surely, the sd would repeat you "nicely" explaining how inappropriate it would for the BM to show up.
How old is the step daughter?
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I don't expect you to take this advice.
But I would call her and tell her that if she shows we'll be having another funeral soon.
Seriously, I would.
I would suggest, for all decent purposes, that you have your DH call and tell BM that he does not want her to be there and he'd appreciate it if she respected his wishes.
LOL
Love it!
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I love that SMJen!
I'm of the "BM is no longer a family member post-divorce" mindset. I think attending the funeral would be in bad taste.
That's definately the best
That's definately the best response ever - thanks!
Honestly?
I would think for a moment about why you don't want BM there, and adjust your actions accordingly.
Do YOU not want her there because she makes you uncomfortable? If that's the case, honestly, I think you should just let this one go. Weddings, funerals, and stuff like this are always really tough for blended families, because someone is going to be uncomfortable. If you feel it would be "inappropriate" but that's the worst of it, then leave it alone, for the greater peace, and so your SD won't have to deal with this issue that has nothing to do with her at all.
If, however, you can honestly say that this is something that would make your H, and his family, extremely uncomfortable, to the point that it would be very hard for them, then someone in that family could approach her and ask her not to go. However, if it's that bad, then the family is already discussing it and trying to figure out what to do. If you are the only one worrying about this, then it's probably not that big of an issue to the family, and is likely an indication that you want her not to be there for your own reasons. And that's not appropriate at a time when this should be about your H's grandmother and her family's wishes.
Please don't take this response wrongly -- I don't know the situation, so I'm just presenting one of the two scenarios it's likely to be. I realize that it could be either one.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
If my kid
Asked me to go to something for the ex's family, I would go. Especially a funeral. She likely wants support from her mother.
If the family wanted to be melodramatic and cause a scene at my arrival, I guess that's their choice. But if DD asks, I'm going. Now if I think their scene will embarass/hurt my dd, I'd just try and get her to mourn privately with me and her father and his clan can be left out of it.
I wouldn't fault DH's ex for showing up if his son asked her to... we don't have to hold hands and sing "Michael row the boat ashore", we just have to be in the same church. I think I can handle that.
My dad's funeral..........
The worst day of my life.
My brother's ex-wife showed up, dressed literally like a hussy, she was stoned/drunk whatever, and I can't even tell you how much I wanted to kill that woman that night. She also knew how much my father hated her from the first day she married my brother. She came to cause a scene and she did - we had to ask the funeral director to escort her out. It wasn't something my family did not need at that greatest time of sorrow. I don't get along with my ex's family and I would not go to a funeral even if my child asked and I would encourage my child to go be with their loved ones if they chose to go. I would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable at a time of grieving.
Just my opinion from my past personal experience.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
Me on the other hand, if my son
asked me to go to a funeral on his fathers side of the family I would sit him down and talk to him. I would want to know why he doesn't feel that having his fathers and step mothers support is going to be sufficent to get through this.
I would tell him how much his fathers family loves him, and how they really need to grieve right now and that I don't think my presence is the right choice.
But my son loves his father and would never make a request like this of us. We'll all be in the same place for his wedding, for his graduation, for grandkids births, but I don't think anyone is going to feel that their feelings isn't being considered in that! I don't think it's my place to be at my x husbands family members funerals. I think it's his wives place.
I was married to him for a while, and I did care about the people in his family. There are a few that I would be very upset if something happened to them. I may go lay some flowers on the grave later on, and say my good byes, but I would not ever put him, or his wife in the situation of having to be uncomfortable in a time of grieving.
Just because your child asks you
doesn't mean the child gets what they want. Its still not appropriate and tacky, and the kid can get support from dad and other family members there. Plus DD is a child and not understanding that she can't invite you to other people's family events, BUT as an adult you are suppose to know better.
In our case, we told my dh's ex that we would be picking up her son for the funeral. She promptly told us she would be taking him and "going", and we were put in the position of telling her this was a private affair for family, and sorry but she wouldn't be able to attend. Now you would think as an adult, this person would get it. However, she had the nerve to say, nevertheless she would be going, lol. Then she left us no choice and we had to tell her she wouldn't gain entry, and would indeed be asked to leave. That was the end of it, but how horrible to use a funeral to try and cause trouble.
The most important grief
to me is the grief of my child.
I'm sorry, just is.
And I would expect DH's ex to feel the same so I wouldn't be offended by her presence. She's not sitting on my lap crying on my shoulder, she's there to support her kid.
But like I said, if they couldn't control themselves long enough to share a church with me (a silent observer) then I'd take DD to the gravesite later to mourn on her own as she wishes.
I appreciate..........
your dedication to your child at all costs. I really do. No sarcasm here.
But, sometimes, and it depends on the age of the child, they ask things innocently because they don't understand adult dynamics. Do I wish we could all be "innocent minded" like a child sometimes? Hell yes. But, I can tell you that when I first started dating my FH, the BM suggested that I don't come to any of SD9's soccer games. Well, SD9 would ask me every week if I could come, but out of respect to BM, I would tell SD9 that I had to work or something. Was BM being petty? Yes, but I wanted to be respectful of her time with her girls while they played soccer.
Should I have gone anyway? I don't know, but what I do know is that after several games, BM told the girls to invite me to the next one.........I just think BM needed some time to get used to it all.
I know this story doesn't exactly relate to funerals, but I'm just suggesting that sometimes children are oblivious to adult's feelings - and thank goodness for that!
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
I hear you... and I hear what you're saying
But ask Crayon... I'm one of those new-agey child loving mamas.
Honestly if I really thought his family would take it bad, I would tell her I'd prefer we mourned later. But I wouldn't make her go with BD and (potential) SM.
Funerals are creepy and scary for me. Heck, if *I* could drag my momma with me to them I would.
Yea,
did we ever find out how old the child is?
I wouldn't allow my child to go without me if they're very young. They'd want their mommy for sure.
Funerals ARE creepy and I'd want my momma too.
**my stepdaughters did not grow in my tummy, they grew in my heart**
Holy crap
Did you just agree with me?
I may have just peed a little :jawdrop:
Now that I would attend.
If my x died I would want to be there for my son. If SM asked me not to I would try to talk with her about it and see if maybe I can just stay in the back and just to be there for my son! I don't know if I'd let her talk me out of it honestly. If DH died I would full expect BM to be there. She could even sit in the row behind me if she wanted.
If BM died we would go as well. If the family protested that they didn't want me there I wouldn't go but DH still would, I would insist on it.
I'm sorry but you just
I'm sorry but you just annoyed the hell out of me with this response. The whole world does not revolve around a child for god sakes!! An ex-wife / ex-husband does not belong at the wake or funeral of a family member of their ex - PERIOD!! It's inappropriate!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Eh
DH's ex just doesn't have the power to send me squealing over the hills... In fact, I just saw her this weekend and despite a few daggers my way I came out pretty much unscathed.
And like I keep saying... if they'll spaz that bad at the sight of me? My kid can stay home. No skin off my back.
Why not?
Forgive me father... I'm agreeing with Squillion on this one....
I have attended 3 funerals of family members of my EH, one of them the funeral of my EX-FIL who was a wonderful man. He never treated me any different after the divorce. I sat quietly with my EX-SIL in the back and perfectson was very glad I was there as he looked for me several times so he could be reassured that Mama was there for him.
IF, and this is a big "IF" people can be respectful and dignified then I feel it's not in the least bit inappropriate to attend the funeral of an ex family member. There is a time and a place to shut your mouth and be a big person, and a funeral is one of those times. IMHO.
WSM,
I see where you and others are coming from. But, we are here talking about the BM's that WE deal with! LOL
I think expecting respectfulness from most of these hags is like expecting hell to freeze over.
Ok... but I should have added
that at the time I went to EX FIL's funeral things were BAD BAD BAD. EH was married to Satan and trust me, she considered me a wicked crazy bad BM! LOL!!!! We hated each other with every ounce of ourselves and it could have really been a bad thing to be there at the same time. But we called an unspoken truce for the funeral, out of respect for the deceased. So "I" was the crazy BM there.... LOL!!!
Help any? Haha
Muahaha!
I'll get you, my pretty... and your little wolf too! }:)
That's actually the ringtone
on my cell for when BM calls. How did ya know?
I think it's
universal
Really it's the wicked witch of the east, west, wherever
she was from on the wizard of oz. The mean one. It's her laugh, it's just perfect for her. Looks like her to. Okay, I'm kidding there! TGIF!
Okay, and the new avatar is hysterical. Thanks for the Friday laugh!
I'm not sure this qualifies as "inviting you to other people's
I'm not sure this qualifies as "inviting you to other people's family events." Yes, it is true that you have to teach a kid she can't invite someone to a wedding or a birthday party or a dinner without asking the host. But a funeral doesn't have invitations. SD doesn't "know better" -- that is, it hasn't occurred to her that it would be a problem for her to have someone she loves who also knew Grammy come with her to make her feel better. And really, SHOULD she have to know that and deal with it?
I think it's a different situation if you're afraid there would be a scene at the funeral if BM attended -- if she would make a scene, or if someone else would make a scene because she was there.
I'm usually pretty hard-core stepparents rights. But I don't really think this is about the stepparent. I repeat what I said earlier: if it makes your H uncomfortable for her to be there, he should tell her not to go. If it is going to make someone else in his family uncomfortable, then again, perhaps H should tell her not to go. If it's mostly making the stepmom unhappy -- well, then, that's more a territory thing. And while I'm usually very supportive of stepparents being able to have a right to their own territory, the husband's grandmother's funeral is not her territory.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
The etiquette columns
and other web sites all say that the BM is there to pay respect to the dead, it has nothing to do with you, you should focus on paying your last respects...blah blah Unless the skid is a child or was really close to the deceased, I think it's just another reason for BM to show her ass and pretend to still be in the family. The downside is that if YOU make too big a deal over it, you'll be the one remembered for causing a problem.
If you really want to be "proactive" tell them no again, then give the funeral director a picture and ask that she not be allowed in...that's my daydream anyway. DH has a very sick close relative and I know BM will not only come but will sit with the family.
"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton
my dh and I have both
broached this topic. Our concern being how to handle. We decided that should something happened, the BM and BD would not be invited to any of the wakes/viewing as so much more personal and such. The funeral, however, is a good way for anyone to say goodbye, and not only that, often get a little God and preaching thrown in with it, so if BM or BD showed up for a funeral to show their respects, fine---but would definitely ask not come to the grave service following.
I think the only people that belong at a funeral
are the ones who loved or cared for that person and are there to mourn the loss and celebrate their life. If BM was close or got along with that person during their life, I think I can deal with her showing up to pay respects or support skids, as long as that is what she is there to do.
I had a coworker who was married to a man 17 years her senior. He passed away six months after entering retirement. It wasn't unexpected, but she was devestated nonetheless. He was married once before her, and that marriage produced three children. Before he met my coworker, he was involved with a woman,T, but their relationship ended because she felt he wasn't over his marriage. BM made them miserable at all costs, and severely PASed his three daughters. They never visited him and never got to know their half siblings from his second marriage. Neither BM nor his three older kids showed up at the funeral. The oldest daughter sent flowers but that was it. After he visited with them every weekend, since they weren't allowed to come over, and paid their tuition from grade school thru college.
Anyways, he remained friendly with T thru the years and my coworker hated it. She was more jealous of T than BM. When she found out about his death, T called my friend, and they spoke for awhile about how great he was and T mentioned that he always said how much he loved his wife and children. T then asked his she and her boys (not his) could attend the funeral. My coworker said yes, and they came, paid respects, spoke to my coworker and her daughters and left. Her and T are now friendly and speak every once in awhile.
The point of my long story, lol, is that they kept it civil because it wasn't about them. It was about the person that they both cared for and how they both needed to say goodbye, though it different ways.
Sometimes, we have to suck it up for the kids and for the other people involved. This might be one of them.
Hmmm, another common FAQ for
Hmmm, another common FAQ for us step-families. If my DD10 asked me to go with her to a funeral for a member of her Dad's family (XH), I think I would run it by XH first, OUT OF RESPECT. If he preferred that I NOT attend, I would defer to his wishes. I highly doubt she'd want to, nor would I let her, at her current age. But in the future, that's how I would handle it. I think that at a time of grief, the family's wishes trump all others, kids included. I just went to a viewing a couple of weeks ago. It was for my friend's best friend. I knew him too but nowhere near as long as my friend. My friend's ex-gf wanted to go too and kept calling but he never answered. His friend, the one who died, HATED this woman for what she did to my friend and she knew better, she DID NOT show up to the viewing and there were ALOT of people there. I think she did it OUT OF RESPECT.
That's just the thing.
Respect is the key in dealing with any funeral/viewing. I think it would be poor class to just say "Well I'm gonna go because my kid wants me to".
And Crayon will also say that I'm of the new aged momma loving kid type people! LOL! But I think she'd also say that I'm of the "respect the x's space and the Sm's".
Hey Crayon, how do you like all the words that we are throwing in your mouth?
Exactly, it's a respect
Exactly, it's a respect thing. PERIOD.
I completely agree SMJ -
I completely agree SMJ - respect is the key!!
I'm just so sick of people making these kids the center of everything. They are kids and the reality of life is that shitty things are going to happen and unfortunately people they love will one day die.
It's not like this kid would not have the support of DH, SM and the rest of his family there. Let's continue to coddle these kids and when they are 40 and still living at home - yippee - way to go!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
WOW... just WOW. "I will
WOW... just WOW.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
I don't think that a parent going to the
funeral of an ex-family member is "coddling."
My Dad and Mom got divorced when I was young, but they were high school sweethearts, and whenever one of their loved ones died, the other parent went to the funeral/wake. Not to support each other, but to be there for me. I would have been very hurt if my mom didn't go to my grandfather's funeral when I was 8. She sat in the back and didn't make a fuss. She left after the funeral.
Serendipity
I'm not so much coming at this from a "won't somebody please think of the children!!!!" angle. For me, it's more about the fact that I sometimes think we as stepparents lose focus of the big picture because we get so enraged at BM's bad behavior. (Believe me, I know I have been really, really guilty of that a lot.)
But one of the things I hate most is when BM tries to win points in arguments with BH by accusing him of putting the kids in the middle of their disagreements. And honestly, he is very, very careful not to do that -- but BM does it ALL THE FREAKING TIME!!!! The hypocrisy drives me nuts.
And because I hate what a hypocrite she is, it makes me all the more determined that I will not put the kids in the middle of disagreements with her. Not because I think our entire lives need to revolve completely around the kids. But rather, because I don't want to stoop to her level. I want to be able to look at my actions at the end of the day, and feel like I did things for the right reasons. I enjoy winning an argument with BM as much as the next person. And god knows, I would have rather died than let her come to our wedding, as she wanted to. AND if she came to my MIL's funeral, I would be freaking furious. BUT. I would recognize that this one wasn't about me, and that DH and I needed to just ride it out, because asking her not to go would make the SDs feel uncomfortable, AND because if I look deep in my heart, I would realize I only wanted her not to go because I wanted to mark my territory.
The kids would live either way. But I would be diminished a little bit as a person, and I would know it. Sometimes, you have to figure out where the line is between standing up for yourself, and not letting someone else's presence in your life turn you into someone you don't like very much.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Why is going to an ex's family members funeral
out of respect and support for kids considered coddling? Supporting my son and treating him like a baby are two seperate things.
There are certain things my son will talk to me about and certain things he may feel more comfortable talking to others about. If his dad is immersed in his own grief, what good can he be to my son? Me supporting and being a shoulder to my son isn't coddling, is it?
And I hope he still isn't home at 40!
DH has attended a funeral
DH has attended a funeral for BM's family. He was and is still close with some of them. When my grandma passed away, my cousins and I had old boyfriends coming out of the woodwork. She was a wonderful women who made impressions on many people. If BM wants to pay her respects/support her children, I see no problem with it, unless she causes a scene.
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
I think it depends on the situation
My mothers brother (my uncle) whom I was very close to died tragically very young about a month after my parents divorce (I was 14 at the time). My dad showed up at the funeral very angry and hostile. He did not come to support me or offer condolences. He stood at the back of the church screaming at my mother because his name was left out of the obituary. My grandfather and the pastor had to have him physically removed.
For the rest of my life, I will always carry that memory with me and it compounds the grief over the loss of my uncle. If you had asked me prior to the service if I wanted my dad to be invited I would have said yes because how could a kid forsee something like that happening?
If the relationship is hostile and contentious, having that ex there may end up being worse for the kid in the long run. You do NOT want the kid to have the feelings of guilt, embarrassment or shame (not valid of course) because mommy decided to go off on daddy or vice versa at an event that is already highly emotional.
Use your best judgment
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
The old inappropriate spotlight grab.
This is a frequent issue with many Xs and it is in many cases nothing more than an attempt by the X to inappropriately invade a families grieving process.
If the X is a former long time marital partner that has maintained effective relationships with teh former in-law family it may not be inappropriate.
But ...... it is not an at-will option for the X to decide to attend.
This can be handled by making the services/life celebration closed to invitation only attendees.
If the X was so close to the deceased as to need closure they can visit the grave after the REAL family has gone home.
Ha! Finally an opportunity for a second spouse/Sparent to get the REAL family label.
There may be justice in the blended family world after all. Maybe not until someone dies but the opportunity for a Sparent to have justice in the blended family adventure is something to look forward to under any circumstance.
My condolences to your family on the loss of GreatGM
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Maybe it's wrong, but I do
Maybe it's wrong, but I do wonder at the motives of ex's who insist on going to funerals when there is no good reason to. After all, they are not family and in our situation, she hadn't spoke to my mil in over a decade, so they were hardly on friendly terms.
If they really must go. Can they not just please slip in quietly, sit at the back and slip out just as quietly again. NOT arriving dressed like a hooker, NOT outstaying their welcome, NOT getting piss drunk and NOT pigging out on the buffet!! Oh how I would love to print her name and details here for all to see!!
Revenge really would be a dish best served cold.