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Telling BM exactly what you think of her?

RustyHalo's picture

Submitted by RustyHalo on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 9:09am

Has anybody done this? Did it make you feel better? Were you worried that she would tell the skids some of the things you said?

I am asking, because I feel the need to tell this "person" what I think of her. She has run her mouth about me for over a year. I have always taken the high road and "let it go." But, when you feel the need to defend your skids, because you love them and they have this complete idiot attempting to raise them and she's doing more damage than good. She is a toxic person in my skids' lives, and therefore, in MY life.

This latest bullshit has removed me from my "la la land of disengagement" and I am royally pissed off right now.

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RustyHalo's picture

Submitted by RustyHalo on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 9:51am

You see, I have never said anything bad about BM in front of skids or to BM herself. I never say anything bad to mutual friends. Because of this, I think BM assumes that she can just walk all over me. I just grin and bear it. FH is less "available" to her since I came along and I know she hates this. I KNOW she hates the fact that her children love me and they'll ask to use her cell phone to call me. She allows them to do so most of the time, but lately, she has escalated her "idiotness". She has kept the girls home from school twice now because of her being hungover, the last time was last Monday, and because she missed work that day and LIED to her boss and said that both kids were sick, (when they weren't), and now that SD9 is sick today, BM can't get the day off and she's calling us at 9:30 last night telling FH that he will HAVE to take care of SD9 today or she will take SD9 to work with her. WHAT?!!! That's karma for you. You said your kids were sick last week when they weren't and look what happened! She has pulled so much crap this past month that part of me feels like having a conversation with her, but I'm afraid that she will tell the skids that I said mean things to her and I would never want my skids to look at me any other way than they do now.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

squeegie_beckenheimer's picture

Submitted by squeegie_becken... on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 11:28am

Man, your story hits close to home! Like you, I have never said anything bad about BM in front of the kids or to mutual friends. Unlike you, however, I HAVE told BM what I thought of her. I was not nasty, I merely asked her questions about why she thought it was ok to do certain things & I dared to question how good of a mother she was. I had put up with BM's crap for years before this happened. What made me finally break?

It was Christmas 2 years ago. We had SD9 (then 7) for 3 weeks because BM went to visit her family several states away. BM lied about when she was getting back (claimed she "forgot" the flight was a day later than she had told us), called us after 10pm the night before to let us know this (which meant we had to change plans) & then had the gall to call us again the next night & ask if we could keep SD9 through the weekend because she "had a date". I lost it. This so-called "wonderful" mother hadn't seen her daughter in THREE weeks & the most important thing to her was going on a date rather than seeing her own child. SD9, btw, was devastated that BM kept changing when she would be picking her up.

After my poor husband tried to reason with BM on the phone & got nowhere, I called BM & told her what I thought of her pulling this nonsense. This led to a half-hour phone call in which BM mocked me for coming from a close-knit family, mocked me for having a father in an important public job, mocked my husband & I for being so good together, etc. It was obvious she was jealous. Her family is trailer trash, they all have criminal records & BM fails at every relationship she has. During our conversation, I mentioned some of the things she had dropped the ball on & this really set her off. How DARE I point this out?! (Even if it's all 100% true!) Even though the phone call got us nowhere, apparently some of what I said got to BM because magically, her date canceled on her & she picked up SD9 as planned.

But after this, BM has made our lives a living hell. And yes, she has told the kids EVERYTHING, so of course, I'm the bad guy here. Just because I called her on her nonsense. Even though I know this only made things worse, I felt so much better telling her off. BM was livid, but she knew she couldn't walk all over me & get away with it anymore! I've had to call her on a few other things since then, but I usually avoid dealing with her now. She refuses to talk to me because she knows I don't buy into her shit! I see through her lies & I don't think she's so wonderful. And to a narcissist this is one of the worst things ever!

MeanOleMe's picture

Submitted by MeanOleMe on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 10:01am

I haven't... wish I could... but haven't. If I did it would just make things much worse on SD14 then it already is. She is already treated like shit just because of my mere existence.

"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 10:55am

telling her what you think of her impact the situation? Will it be positive or negative? Does doing so serve any other purpose than to make you feel better?

In most situations if the only purposed served is to make me feel better, I let it go. If an action actually does serve a legitimate (and be honest with yourself about what is legitimate) AND makes me feel good too- then it should be done. The feel good is the side benefit, not the purpose.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

RustyHalo's picture

Submitted by RustyHalo on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 12:08pm

I am a mature independent adult woman. I was not born this way, obviously. Through life's experiences I grew into this person. I take pride in this. I love to work and earn money. I love that I taught my children a good work ethic, and to be independent. I taught my children to treat people fairly and respectfully and to demand the same in return.
This woman, the BM, is the exact opposite of me. She literally does everything that I would never do - that I COULD never do. Depend on others for everything. Call daddy to help her pay all her bills, call FH for "extra" money, call FH for flat tire, call FH to drive her to school after DUI, I mean it is neverending. That's what I hate tolerating. And let's face it - I HAVE to tolerate it, as I have no control over this at all. This BM is 35 and is at the exact same maturity level she had when she was 15. I have known her and her family for many years and so I can say this. It's just so hard, ya know? I feel that I need to lash out and tell her how much I hate the fact that she's the birth mother to "our" kids.
Oh well, all the advice seems to advise against it and I was leaning towards never doing it anyway, just needed some validation on this, I guess.

Thanks all who responded.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

startingover2010's picture

Submitted by startingover2010 on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 11:16am

i am a very VERY nasty person when i email my 'thoughts', if they are negative, due to being able to take my time to spit it all out.

one time i sent a very long email to bm, blaming her for evrything i can think of to be her fault over the last 5yrs i have been with bf. full detail. it also included how she screwed up sd and bf's lives. i also played the race card and whatever card i could to make her feel like complete shit.

her response? he patronized me, agreed with what i said and at the very end said she is NOT affected by my email. i know this to be true cause whenever i sent her little hate emails, she would read them then call my bf to cry and complain. i was very disappointed that i didnt hurt her at all. it was a very lengthy email.

step.parent's picture

Submitted by step.parent on Tue, 09/22/2009 - 11:30am

First, I suggest you look up the definition of Parental Alienation Syndrome: http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm

Secondly, I do not always agree that taking the high road does any good. I mean, it sounds noble, and it sounds like the "right thing" to do, but my experience has taught me otherwise: by remaining silent, I allowed myself to become an easier target for the BF and my ex's family.

Also, speaking negatively about a parent is not always defined by a mere word, such as the C-word, or a BF (birth father) telling his daughter that her mother's boyfriend is an "idiot." Speaking negatively of another parent or step parent can be done in numerous ways, such as through false positive statements.

Some examples:

A) Sending letters to the child that speak positively of one parent but ignoring the other
Dirol Encouraging "independent thinking" (i.e., telling a child "You know what is best for you.")
C) Dropping hints/subtle messages that give a child an idea of false security, such as, "If you ever need to run away, call me and I will pick you up."

Lots of stuff like that happens. In my case, the father was absentee but my ex's extended family would send her emails, letters and phone calls that literally and openly questioned our rules and relationships, for example.

Now, my ex has to deal with her daughter, who is a full-blown Stage 3 PAS - open hostility towards both of us, and recently I've received numerous threats and harassing emails from the SD since I broke up with my ex seven months ago.

I don't think I'll ever date a woman with a kid again, either.