Need opinions please!
I know this isn't major and not anything completely horrible, but I just wanted some input from you all.
BM gets to see her daughter (my SD) 1 night a week. Over the Summer it is Friday nights. SD is 15 going on 16. She doesn't really enjoy these visits.
The thing is, BM barely has a plan for what to do with SD on those nights. It was like this for a very long time and then SD counselor and DH both told BM that she needs to make the most of this time with her daughter. She gets 1 night a week so they should do SOMETHING together.
I know BM is cash strapped so it's not like I want her to take SD shopping every Friday or to a movie every Friday or whatever. But just have something to do. I know she can't be Disneyland BM and that's fine. SD has felt guilty when BM tries to "buy" her love. And I think that would be bad as well.
But I just keep thinking if I could only see my daughter 1 night a week and our relationship was so strained, I'd make a special effort. However, on the other hand, taking BM's side... I can imagine it's not easy to keep trying with a teenager that, right now, wants nothing to do with you.
There's a church Festa here this weekend. BioMom is working it Saturday and Sunday! They are supposed to have free Fireworks tonight!! I"ve been telling SD, you and mom can go to the fireworks!! But I think it would have meant more if mom came up with the idea, you know?
For a while, BM was doing really good. Every visit she'd have a plan of something for them to do - even if it was just go to the library or go see family or rent a movie to watch at home... something. But today, for the first time in about 2 months she has slipped back into just showing up and then kind of being like, Ok... what do you want to do?
DH thinks that BM has a man in her life now. BM gave up last Friday's overnight because SD would be "tired" from camp, so BM gave up the night and saw her at a family party on Saturday. Usually, she'd want the Friday night into the Saturday.
Whenever BM has a man in her life, she falls into this. SD is secondary and no longer "needed" . If a visit can't happen and BM has a man, then it's okay.
BM always used to show up late for her visitation. One time, over this past summer, she was supposed to show up around 1:00pm, and finally got around to coming over here at 8:00pm! We laid down the law and said from that point forward if BM did not show up within an hour of her scheduled time, I was going to take SD out and we would not be home. Ever since then she has been right on time and has even called if she was 5 minutes late!
I feel for BM. But things with SD are so strained right now. So I feel for her too.
What do you guys think? Are we expecting too much from BM to have a plan for 1 night a week? If you think so, please let me know. StrongWoman... if you want to jump in and give me the BM point of view on this.... if you could not see your child except for 1 night a week... is it too much to ask for you to have some special time in mind with your own kid???
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Friday night, are you serious?
My comments come not from my perspective as a SP, but as a former teenager. If you SD is 15 going on 16 than I think the very last things she would want to do on a Friday night would be to hang out with any parent no matter how great or fun the relationship. Friday night is for football games, dates, and movies with friends!
Why not try moving the one night per week to a week night? Then aleast neither party has the excuse of wanting to avoid the visitation due to missing out on a-beginning-of-the-weekend event. Your BM might also have better luck with free events and other happenings on week nights that SD and BM could participate in. Lots of communities do free movies in the park or summer concerts, but they are usually on week nights because turn out is lower on friday-sunday nights.
Also you've got to consider then teenage factor. Considering the reverse, when SD was still coming over EOW, she made it clear there was NOTHING she would consider fun to do with us unless it involved a new blockbuster movie of her choice or a clothes shopping spree for her. A free event at the library or a hike or whatever just made her grumpy, moody and resentful. A real joy to be around. Though to be honest I remember pulling some similar attitude as a teen when my parents tried to do "family" events at the same age.
While I do think teens should be part of family events and should definately contribute to the family through chores and responsibilities, the parents need to also realize that the teen is starting to move beyond the family.
To sum up, my suggestion is your BM switch to a week night and maybe just have a family dinner consisting of SD and BM once a week. Now that SD is in high school she'll likely have lots of homework and other events that fill her nights and weekends. It might be more than enough for the teenage years and a strained relationship to expect every Friday night IMHO.
I agree with Brutally
Friday night is hard to make a kid stay home or do something with their parent at 16. Maybe switch it Sunday night/afternoon.
Thank you DPW
That is exactly the point SD and BM are in their relationship. They need distractions first for them to be able to bond further. Right now, if they are alone - they fight...which they did tonight, or they don't talk at all and retreat into separate rooms.
SD is barely civil to her mom, which DH and I and counselor have all said is unacceptable. She needs to get that under control.
BM on the other hand, cries every time she sees her.
Tonight's argument was because SD was with BM and texted me to say "no plan" and then when BM asked who she was texting... it just became a problem.
BM started arguing with SD... "Why do you need to text Stick? Are you bored? Aren't you having fun? Why are you talking to her instead of me?"
UGH.... it's really sad and I just feel bad for both of them.
I hear you guys, the reason it became Friday nights (in the
Summer) is because SD (with counselor's okay) decided that they could go down to 1 night a week visitation. We knew that for the school year, it would switch to a different night, absolutely. We have thought of that. During the school year, there are the dances, football games, sleepovers, etc But if SD and BM had only one night to visit and every other week was an overnight, then for continuity, we picked Fridays. It has worked because we are all pretty flexible. There has been 1 Friday night this year, that SD had another party and we were able to skip the Friday and do Saturday... but for the most part, it's been working. It also gave BM the chance to see her daughter longer and for daughter to see her mom and actually not have to worry about BM working the next day, etc.
There's also an extra factor into play here... Even though SD is 15 going on 16, she is a VERY YOUNG 15 year old. She is also extremely shy. She has a few friends, but she won't call them and I can only nag her so much. She is however, going to a big local theme park tomorrow and staying overnight with her girlfriend at a camp.
By the way, she's home already.
I am hoping that this new school year, she comes out of her shell even more. We are going to switch to Tuesdays or Thursdays.... but then it still leaves the overnight thing open and then it becomes 2 nights a week or a longer gap between visits and that's something we have to work out with counselor. SD doesn't want to spend any more overnights at her mom's and counselor is not ready to give that up yet. She's okay with 1 night a week, but every other week an overnight. So we are trying to come to a schedule.
SD starts counseling sessions with her mom this week.
But I still need an answer to the question. There was a free thing to do tonight! Fireworks at the Church Festa and there's a big Riverfest also very close by. BM did not look up either thing and also did not suggest either thing. She asked SD "what do you want to do". SD was upset because in the past, during discussions with counselor, BM WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A PLAN. She was not supposed to show up and then say, (which she did tonight) "Oh let's go to CVS and buy something"!! Like that's the great visit???
SD texted me about no plan. And I told her to tell her mom about the Fireworks and Riverfest. She didn't... BM didn't offer - So they went to grandma's.. then went to TJ MAXX and the kid is home...
UGH...
I'm stuck here. I can't MAKE SD come out of her shell and call people. I can tell her and ask her, but I can't MAKE her be with her friends.
And I can't MAKE BM just take the horns and say "OK!! Here's our night!! We are going to go here!...." and just do it.
Maybe....
It would be so wonderful, wouldn't it?? I will try to take the "wait and see" approach!!
Thanks!!
Thank you One Big Test
I appreciate your kind words and support.
I hope you are doing well tonight too!! 