How many of you addressed the issues you have with dh before you married?
Just curious, because it seem that we all are here for one reason or another, but there are some things that if my dh ever had done i would not be here. Before i married him i went over every what if circumstance i could think of, and pushed him to tell me how he would handle it. If i didnt agree we would discuss it untill we met in the middle some where.
For example: If ss is rude and disrespectful in our home when he is older what will you do? I am afraid that bm will brain wash him even more than she has and he will try to make you chose between him and i, or will simply be a monster in our home.
dh's answer (who is strict with ss to begin with) "ss knows the rules here, and he can either follow them and treat every one here with respect, or i will pack up his things and he can move to his moms. I will not allow him to treat you or i badly because of the things bm puts in his head. He has the choice to behave here or not live here!"
also, if ss grows up to be the monster that bm is teaching him to be, and he gets in trouble with the law, say a dui, and we have money set aside to send our kid to a summer camp or something weve promised them, will you use the money to bail out ss?
dh's answer: absolutly not! he got himself in to trouble, he can get himself out. Me bailing him out wont teach him anything. if bm wants to bail him out thats her choice, but i swear to you that our children will never be let down due to the poor choices of ss"
these were two answers that i was obviously wanting, everything else dh has told me, he has stuck by his word!
My question though is that how many of you did this? I read about step moms who are always on the back burner for the skids, even one woman who's dh thinks she should allow bm to use her car because she wrecked hers. I just cant help but think that there were some signs that dh would be treating you this way BEFORE you married?
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Not married yet....
We aren't married yet, but we do live together. Sometimes I wear him out b/c I will think of things that I don't think I could tolerate over time. Or situations, like "Scooty" is already 5 and we are atleast another 5 away from having our own child how are you going to tell Scooty. I hope several people respond to this post and maybe give me some questions I haven't thought of yet!! Good post!
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
i use this site
and read the things other members are going through and then ask him what he would do! I have HUGE concerns about when we get pregnant, as of now we will not tell anyone besides my family because im afraid that bm will flip out so bad the stress will cause me to mis carry.
SMNikki
When you read him different situations, does he give you answers that you can live with?
I'm so sorry to hear that you have concerns about getting pregnant because of BM. I wish there was a way to help you with that, but I really don't know what that answer would be. Does DH know you feel that way?
YES
thats part of why i love him soooooooooooo much! we are so much on the same page its scary! He usually gives me answers as if he read my mind as to what i was thinking!! very rarely it will cause a small argument because he will say stop saying what if, you cant read the future you know i always do things with you as my first priority, but the answers for the hypothetical questions i ask are most definitely ones that i am happy with!
Yes, he knows that i am concerned, and he too is very surprised that we have not yet gotten pregnant. We have not yet went to the doctor because technically we weren't trying until we got married, and that was barely on the 25th, lol. He does know my concerns and knows that i am very stressed. He calls me all day and tells me how much he loves me and hes doing his best to quickly as possible handle all the drama with bm. He has now told bm that besides to talk to ss, and emergencies he will not be answering her calls, returning voice mails, or ANY type of communication. He told me fuk every one else him and i are living our life for him and i, and thats what is important to him. As far as ss is concerned, all he can do is his best to be a good dad, and be there, but that will not mean being a wallet or door mat to bm!
Ahhh love! SMNikki
I am so happy for you!! You sound very happy!! I'm glad your DH is trying so hard to do the right thing and be the right husband! Yay!
We did. I knew what all was coming at me,
but we had the talk about his kids and my son. He's a good dad and isn't to much of a guilt parent, ANYMORE. He sure used to be! Talk or not I had to bite my tounge at times.
We worked it all out though and now are on the same page. I'm glad I fought for him, and won!
~all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust...and sometimes a machine gun~
What SMNikki is suggesting here is IMPORTANT FOR ALL women not
married yet to their SO's and dealing with this. Get it out... get it out before you walk down the aisle and the papers are signed. Fight for your rights before you get married. And don't back down. Fight it out. I can't stress it or say it enough. Because once the ring is on your finger and you've been going with status quo, it's just that much harder to make changes.
we moved fast too!
we met, got engaged 2 months later, moved in at 4 months, but waited till 16 months to marry. BUT i went through hell and back and had EVERYTHING spelled out with my DH before we actually walked down the isle!
i do wonder though, if i hadnt given up my apartment would i have stayed and fought so hard to keep things together? But in the end, my husband is even more amazing now that we are married and im glad i stuck it out, and continue to do so!
No--I had no idea
Skids were normal teens. I have children of my own and new what to expect. I wasn't worried at all. When BM couldn't get me to back down, she started PASing the skids and things got very nasty.
Wack job BM didn't start her crap until 3 months after we got married. I had no idea or I would have high tailed it out of here. She's stupid. She should have started ahead of time so I would have left
Now we are married so I am staying as long as DH puts me first.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Ahem.....DH never asked me
Ahem.....DH never asked me if I minded step-demon living with us full time. He just assumed it was okay. I was idiot enough to believe him when we talked about bringing up children and that he would stick to his guns. I was stupid to think we were on the same page.
I knew this step-mother gig would be hard but if I had an inkling that we were welcoming a full time venom spewing viper into our home....well I would have taken a broom and smashed the damn thing before it got through the doorway.
People with kids from another relationship/marriage should come with instructions and warning labels. That way idealistic schmucks like myself would make more informed decisions.
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine
warning labels!!
hahahahahahahaah....thats a good one, no really, that is what they should come with!
I did. My H has been strict
I did. My H has been strict with SD and held up his word.
Although he can not control how SD acts or what BM does, and that is where all our issues rise.
DH and I did talk through lots....
But then life seemed to intervene and change everything. Those things we discussed were based on the facts that we had at the time (DH's job/income/Skids placement schedule/my job) etc. Everything changed though within 6 months of our marriage....not deliberately it just did. DH lost his job, got a new one and then made a LOT less money,,,, resulting in changes in CS,(which opened the can of worms with BM). We've had numerous changes in the skids placement schedule (all because BM demands them)and are now in process of going to court to get a fixed schedule. I'm looking at going back to work, which will make all these things change again (because I'll be the "breadwinner")
I guess talking beforehand is great, but you have to accept that life throws all those good intended promises and plans out the window and that's when you see what your relationship is really made of!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
thats a great point!!!
and always in the back of my mind...