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The Last to Know

2SteppinInCali's picture

Submitted by 2SteppinInCali on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 6:06pm

How many of you feel like you are the last to know what the heck is going with your DH's and Skids? I am so annoyed that someone I despise (BM) has the power to influence my plans. More so that DH dosen't put his foot down more when she tweaks the visitation schedule!!!!!!!! Which she does ALL the time. I have talked to him about this but he says "Well who suffers from me saying no? The kids." Oh those poor poor suffering children. They are so mistreated. Can hear the sacrcasm dripping from this post? I am so over DH trying to be super dad. He needs them to need him so much it makes me want to puke! I try to instill some autonomy and indepedance in them but it's overrided by DH not folowing through or allowing them to "slack off" all the time.

Anyway, I wanted to go swimming and have some fun today but now I'm sorting laundry!!! F**ck THAT! I'll go by myself since I don't when BM is picking them up. She can do their 5 loads of laundry. It's weird, the weekends we have Skid's it's like I am single again. Superdad has to be with them 24/7 and makes alternate arrangements with their mom that force me to just do my own thing. Then he wonjders why I have an attitude! UGH.....

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stepmom2one's picture

Submitted by stepmom2one on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 6:14pm

My H used to do this too. But ever since we were married he always says to BM "I'll check with GB" he would ask me, I would tell him whether or not it interuppted out plans he would call BM back 10 min later with a response.

BM does the same thing. When we need to change something on visitation she says "Let me ask SF" then she calls back--usually the next day but whatever.

My H does a lot of things I don't like but when it comes to SD I think he handles things quite well. I'm lucky that way, anyway.

I would let your H know that he needs to tell BM that he needs to "check his schedule" first. Consult you and then let her know. She is the one asking the favor she can wait 10 mins for a response. This might be hard to get into the habit of at first but it avoids a lot of hurt feelings and frustration.

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 7:05pm

Skids could show up at any time and wreck our plans. We'd have a special dinner planned or a dinner party or a trip and next thing you know, BM dumps Skids on us. I told him I couldn't live like that. I needed boundaries.

After 2 years of me raging, we stick to the schedule. BM no longer dumps skids on us any old time and yes, the skids do suffer but he chose their Mother not I. I said, either take them full time or follow the schedule but I won't have my life disrupted all the time.

Skids are surviving just fine. They are also starting to see that BM is not some holy angel and DH isn't the loser she makes him out to be now that he isn't always covering for her.

Sometimes they do swap weekends and I don't say anything if there is a real reason but if it happend all the time, I would be furious.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

1's picture

Submitted by 1 on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 8:16pm

In the very beginning I didn't think I had a say so in what he did with "his" kids but once we decided to get married things had to change and i made it a point to draw those boundaries before the "I do's". We would ask to change days but always way in advance and each time she wanted to alter the visitation schedule it was always last minute. Hubby remembered our conversation before we got married and ALWAYS tells her to send an email about what she is asking for and together he and I would decide if we would accept the change. The only time I would say it wouldn't be a good idea to alter the schedule would be when we truly had plans that way hubby gained my respect and it made that much easier for him to continue this routine each time she asked.

It did cause some problems with the psycho ex who did not confer with her new partner in matters of the children but eventually she stopped with the comments "oh your WIFE wont let you" or "yeah go ask your WIFE what she wants first then let me know"....he never said anything back so that's what made her finally stop. It's hard to have an argument when no one is arguing back.

good luck...There is a very special place in heaven for step parents!

Gmama's picture

Submitted by Gmama on Sat, 07/25/2009 - 10:10pm

in fact we had a huge huge fight last month, long story,
but I told him if I ever have this fight with him again i'll be staying in a hotel until he fixes it.
I'M DONE WITH ALL THIS BULL SHIT, I COME FIRST BEFORE HIS EX,

2SteppinInCali's picture

Submitted by 2SteppinInCali on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 12:05pm

Now if DH would have told me she was coming that late, we all could have done something yesterday instead of waiting around for here to finish her work, which I seriouosly doubt she was even doing! UGH! Instead DH takes the Skids to the store and for ice cream and comes home around 6:00. I asked what were the plans for dinner? I get "What do you want to do?" Well, I don't know.. "what are we allowed to do? When is CUNextTuesday coming to get the kids?" I thinkk to myself. But I say well, "what are the plans with the kids?", instead. At this point I am trying not have an arguement. Did I mention at Basketball earlier BM didinot acknowledge me? I made apoint to say hello to her and she said hello to SD friend instead! Anwyay, I get nothing so I retreat to my room. The only place where the Skids have not made a mess. Fifteen minutes later, he comes in and askes what's wrong. So I tell him nicely "It would have been nice to know the arrangement you made with CUNextTuesday today. I feel like I'm always the last to know what's going on." I get no respone and DH leaves the room. He comes back about 20 minutes later and tells me that CUNextTuesday will be here around 8:00 and we're having pizza.

I come out of my cave to dine with the "family" and eventually retreat back in because if I have to watch another episode of iCarly, Hannah Montana, or The Suite Life I may puke! I just want my house back!!!! Anwyay, CUNextTuesday gets here the SKids barely say goodbye to me and DH continues watching the Dodger game (I hope they lost) and never comes to bed. I get woken up at 5:00 this a.m. with a kiss on the cheek and "I'm going fishing."

WTF???? Is his behavior a little passive aggressive to you? Or is he clueless as to how I could have been upset yesterday? Regardless, when he gets back from fishing, we are goign to have another talk about this. I have tried setting boundaries and expressing my need to be kept in the loop.

kiarroyo's picture

Submitted by kiarroyo on Sun, 07/26/2009 - 7:44pm

Wow, I thought I was the only one going through this. I just found out this morning that the stepkids are going upstate this week. Meanwhile everyone else in the house has known this for HOW LONG! My partner and I had another fight over this because he continues to tell me "you need to be more involved" but yet how can I be involved if he doesn't involve me?

Same nonsense different day