Very confused on what to do....
Let me just start this off by saying that I live with my girlfriend, and while we are not married, I am very much in a role of a SD. Also, it is not a question of if my GF and i are going to get married, it is when.
My GF has 2 sons, one 8 and one 4. Her previous husband and their BF was an abusive man (I will keep my comments about that to myself), so that kind of makes things hard.
I am currently in the military (Army) and have been for quite a while. I have a 3 y/o BD from a previous marriage, and have joint custody of her so I am no stranger at all to being a parent. I will say that little boys and little girls are totally different.
I have a great relationship with my daughter. She is a very independent little girl, and I think that stems from her essentially growing up in a single parent house her whole life. She was only four months old when I left on my second deployment, and her mother and I decided to get divorced during it.
Anyways, I think that I have done a great job bonding with her 8 yo son. It took him a while to get used to me, and vice versa. I have tried to be supportive with him, help him with homework, be fair with chores and punishments, and have got him involved in hobbies that I am interested in. I am glad that he and I have been able to come on a level with things. Since I am in the military, and used to doing things a certain way when I want it done (I have managed to lighten up on that a bit, but it is hard to break 10 years of habit), it was a bit of a culture shock for him, but overall I'd say my reltionship with him is going quite well. He has also been very nice to my daughter....he seems to be enjoying the role of big brother to a little girl.
Her 4 y/o though, is another story. The kid is literally a walking contradiction. He will go from calm or normal rowdy for a little kid to complete demon in seconds. He will yell, scream, throw fits until he urinates himself, throw things, be mean to my daughter among other things. When I try to tlak to him calmy about things, he will just stare off into space and ignore what I am saying. I know this may be bad and because of military back ground, but that infuriates me to no end. While I am working on it, it is a hard habit to break. I just don't know how to deal with it...it literally drives me crazy. I am not a task master with the kids...I love to play with them, help them, entertain them...I love kids, but when her 4y/o has one of his frequent meltdowns, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes it easy to take a backseat and allow his mother to handle it, but when he turns disrespectful towards his mother, I feel the need to step in. Their mother has always been there for them and bust her ass for them and is a great mother, and since I care for her so much, something just clicks that makes me have to defend her (same thing happens when he is mean to my daughter. The odd thing is though, during the times that it has just been the 4y/o and I, he is a normal, run of the mill, rough and fun 4y/o boy and we get along great...as soon as other people around though......he's a screaming demon.
Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this? Like ways for me to accept it and how to come up with a different approach to him?
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Maybe he's acting out for
Maybe he's acting out for attention? My daughter started acting like this after my divorce - acting out for attention, she would basically go catatonic (sp?) once someone tried to speak to her rationally about her behavior.
It has gotten better over time and with me and BF being consistent with her. She was 4years old when I divorced and now she's 8. She still has her moments though. Being that she's older, I can just send her to her room when she's pitching a fit because I'm not going to listen to it, and she can't come out until she is ready to talk about it calmly.
What are you guys currently doing as discipline for his behavior?
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Well, his mother and I have
Well, his mother and I have agreed to both follow the same line as far as punishments go. For minor things, he goes to the corner for a set time limit after we explain to him what he did wrong. If he stands in the corner and cries the whole time, he stays in longer. For actions that are worse, he gets sent to his room. We will also remove privlieges and what not as well. Their is a difference between his mother and I, as I am not nearly forgiving as his mother. Whereas she may let him out of his room after 5 minutes of crying, I will leave him in there until he is done, and honestly, until I think he is miserable. It does make me feel bad though as her 8 y/o son doesn't really do anything aside from the normal stuff you'd expect from an 8 y/o and my 3 y/o daughter doesn't really misbehave that much (well out of the ordinary) either. I really do like her 4 y/o, and like I said, when it is just us two, he is really fun. I really do see a strong potential for us to bond. His BM and I both think he is afraid of me because of the past things his BF did/does to him. I am not a phsyically violent person at all, and I am not a huge fan of physical discipline (I still think there is a time and place for it, but those times and places are far and few between). I will not lie, I do get mad and yell, but I do that at work too, so it is just like: I get mad about something, I yell about it and do some form of discipline, problem solved and I am not mad anymore. Her kids are still in amazement that I don't stay mad...that I just address the issue when it is an issue and move on. My daughter is used to it, and in a playful way she has the "fear of Daddy".
Forgive me if you've already
Forgive me if you've already mentioned this, but are the kids in counseling?
I think older children tend to keep their feelings bottled up, especially older boys...whereas younger children act out, and I really think the problems here are a combination of him being abused and some of it being normal 4yr old behavior.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
I think it is good for a
I think it is good for a child to know their bounderies. WHen I was a kid, I knew that if I misbehaved, I was going to "get it". It did wonders for me, and it helped me to make the choices not to do something in order to not get in trouble. It really irks me when a parent ALLOWS their kid to act out. The parent is not doing the kid any favors. WIll the kid then be allowed to go and act out in school... with friends.
I put it to my dh this way. If you wouldn't allow your kid to act out if your friends were visiting, because you didn't want to be embarrased, then why would you allow it around me. I am going to be the same across the board with all of the kids... his other kids and my biokid with him. There will be no special treatment because his kids don't live with us. That would create resentment from our biokid. So if one of them acts out, then an appropriate punishment will occur. Whether it is a time out or a swat on the behind for really bad behavior.
Hmmm...has he been tested
Hmmm...has he been tested for autism or bi-polar disorder (yes it can manifest that early)
my younger brother was the same way got him tested at 7 and turned out he had tell tale signs to a pro of autism and minor bi-polar disorder (he's actually my half brother and his father was abusive to our mother so that might account for the mental disorders)
Yes, the kids do attend some
Yes, the kids do attend some counseling, and my GF has suggested that go to play therapy with the youngest which is an idea I am honestly kind of apprehensive about, but I am willing to go along with. Also, the 4 y/o was tested before and it was discovered that he is slow on his speech, but his mother and I both think that further testing maybe a good idea.
I have read that it is good to disengage, but I think that may be a hard thing to do for me. Like I said, I have bonded quite well with the 8y/o (to the point he is my mini shadow lol), and I really want to have something similar with her youngest. IMO, their BD is not the greatest person in the world (I keep those thoughts between my GF and myself), and I feel I have a real opportunity to be a good role model. Not necessiarly mold them into my own image or anything....but just for them to be able to see me and how I act with their mother and others and know that a man doesn't have to be or angry or lash out at people.