In some ways I did know what I was getting into....
We all hate it when we here "Well you knew what you were getting into it." However, didn't we in some small way know? I find it hard to believe that everyone was happy go lucky before marriage/relationship and then all of the sudden the skids turned as soon as the "I dos" were said.
Here is my "I knew what I was dealing with, I was just too stupid to think past the situation."
Right after tax time. I offer to take the skids, DH and my BS to an indoor water park. I will pay for everyone and treat everyone. I wanted to do something nice for the whole "Family".
I order tickets. For everyone. Paid for.
DH informs me 2 days before that him and YSD cant go because YSD has a "Modeling" appointment.
I guess YSD heard some advertisement on the radio "If you call in , YOU can see a agent who books for Disney and Nickelodeon. Take a phone interview and if they pick you- YOU HAVE TALENT."
So of course YSD calls in. Of course her radio "interview" they invite her to come and "interview" in person.
I tell DH, #1- I love how YSD dictats the plans that are going on. She TELLS you that you have to drive her downtown, sit for hours to "interview" and there is ZERO regard that I planned something already and PAID for tickets.
#2- You are allowing her to call the shots.
#3- You know this is a farce right? I mean they are going to have you guys go down there. Tell her she is so talented. But you will need to pay for X, Y, Z and she will need to take classes and have professional photos, etc and then they will decide if she is talented enough to be on one of these shows. It's a SCAM.
DH is all blah blah blah I know but YSD REALLY REALLY wants to do this and I want her to believe in herself and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I'm like Fine whatever. Have fun. You are going to be stuck in an room for HOURS while the rest of us are having fun, swimming, riding rides, etc. (I ended up taking my 2 nieces instead)
The night before DH calls me (we werent living together yet) and he is like YSD NEEDS shoes. She needs dress shoes. Heels. She doesnt have anything to wear for her interview.
Heels? She's 12. And this is for a "Disney interview". Again she is 12. But he was such a jerk about it. Like his prescious baby girl needs something and I need to come off my shoes so she can have it. Um NO. I told him NO. Take her to buy some shoes. She's not going to use mine.
So day of the "interview" she is dressed like a hooker. Um okay. Short skirt. (it's snowing out btw). DH did take her to buy flats at least. I convinced her to change her clothes.
DH and YSD go off to the "interview".
The rest of us go off and actually have a good time.
They get back. DH bascially says everything that I said was going to happen.
But then he wants to whine, moan and complain "Oh I was stuck in a room all day while you got to go and have fun." "Oh must have been nice to be swimming while I was downtown."
Sorry buddy YOU had the power, but you gave it to YSD for something SO STUPID, so dont complain to me because we still went about our day and had fun WITHOUT you.
So now at times I will think back to this story and think WTH. I knew then that DH could be a moron when it came to the skids, that the skids could at times be given more power then they should be allowed to have, that I am usually right and DH is wrong and that DH will white and cry when I let him do stupid stuff while I go about my life and still have fun.
Anyone else?
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Comments
I was as blind as a bat and
I was as blind as a bat and naive. I honestly had no idea- I never dated a man with kids let alone a 13 year old and an 18 year old who had a child I met and was pregnant at the time and didn't tell us for 6 months (no to wasn't obvious- she hid it well). At the time I got along very well with the youngest. Its when we got serious and I basically lived at his house and didn't renew my lease, I was strongly encouraged not too and at the time it seemed like a waste of $ since I was never there anyway, BIG MISTAKE! Too late now and lesson learned. I do look back like, WOW, I was a blind idiot. Things have changed for the better. much better, but it was a lot of blood, sweat and tears. There's still a lot of issues with SD17- we tolerate each other thats about it. The ex never seemed to be an issue- until she started calling and yelling at FDH when SD wouldn't get her way at our house. I started to see more and more that ex was still trying to control FDH with her phone calls bitching and nagging and asking for shit. That stopped fast but it wasn't without repercussions. I guess it all takes time, a lot of time and never really "goes away".
But I can honestly say, I had no idea. I really didn't.
Things were honestly good
Things were honestly good before we got married. I've still never met BM, so back then all she knew of me was what SD (then 3) said about me. BM was living with her boyfriend already and I think she assumed she'd get married before we would. We eloped in Vegas without telling anyone ahead of time, so there were no hard feelings from BM before the wedding since there was no engagement to hear about. But after she heard we were married, then the hostility and major animosity started.
SD was also pretty well behaved before we got married and my husband actually disciplined her when she wasn't. Her behaviour problems didn't get bad until DD was born. My husband had started doing the guilty parenting thing a bit by then, but he got worse when SD needed discipline the most.
SD17 didn't even have to cry,
SD17 didn't even have to cry, it was just a given that daddy would buy her a car. And he did, funny how everything has to be 50/50 when BM occasionally buys her something but anything FDH buys is a gift bc she's so great :sick:
I knew both BM's would be
I knew both BM's would be difficult... we went through a cutody case for SS, whom we had EOWe, & a paternity case for SD, whom we'd never seen before we even got married... then SD's visits were inconsistent for years so it was hard to bond with her.
I truly NEVER expected to deal with SS molesting BS, SD, & 5 other kids!
The worst was that his BM knew he'd beeen molested & that he'd molested her other BS years before & did nothing to get them help, nor did she tell us so we could protect the other children in our home!
The second worst part was actually getting custody of SS after he completed treatment (his BM didn't do what she was supposed to do to get custody back). We actually thought we were helping SS, just to be shit on this past spring. Now he's over 18, graduated, & back with his BM... we haven't heard from him since April 2014 & we are now healing.
We also haven't seen SD16 since Father's Day 2013 & it doesn't hurt near as bad anymore.
I knew SO was nice, but I
I knew SO was nice, but I thought he didn't take sh!t from people. He played football in high school! I thought he was tough back then. When we reunited 15 years later, I had NO IDEA that he was letting an ugly, trashy broad drag him around by the balls...and I had NEVER seen anyone put their children before themselves. Like, parent is completely depressed, putting up with abuse from an ex, but so glad to see his/her child smile that they muddle through it. Oh no. Never saw that...especially not from a man.
And lastly, I had NO IDEA that WOMEN were capable of such EVIL as to use their children!!! Truly. I knew that women could be bitches, but never did I know the depths of depravity that a nasty mother could sink to. Using your child to get money? Favors? Revenge? I couldn't imagine doing that and have never been around women who behave that way. That sort of evil shocked the hell out of me!
I didn't know. I thought I
I didn't know. I thought I knew but I didn't. I did have enough awareness to recognize when I was turning a blind eye to nasty situations though. I just had no idea how BIG those situations really were until I was in the thick of it.
I knew I was dating a man who had a controlling bitchy ex. He told me she was insane. He told me a lot about her that I kind of brushed off in the beginning. Everyone thinks their ex is crazy, right? Everyone says that, right? In hindsight, I REALLY wish I would have paid more attention to those things because they weren't exaggerations at all. By the time I had her figured out, it was too late, I was thinking with my heart not my head...I wanted this man no matter what. I knew it wouldn't be fun or easy, but I really had no idea how bad things were going to get once she learned that I existed. I have been around my share of crazy people in my life but I guess I was naive enough to think that a mother would be more inclined to put the kids' well being ahead of her need for "revenge" on a man who left her. Turns out crazy is crazy and being a "mother" doesn't automatically make someone act more responsibly.
I didn't even meet the kids before I committed my heart to him. He and I were already living together by the time I met them and for a couple of months, he just held onto his old place for kid visits. The rest of the time he was with me. The two worlds didn't even intersect (the good old days!). For the first couple of interactions, I was not introduced as a girlfriend but they figured it out really quickly.
Honestly, I can't say that I didn't know what I was getting into with the kids because the truth is that I just didn't care. I did not care what his kids thought about any of it. No one, including his kids, get to have an opinion about my love life. I was the first woman he introduced them to after he left their mother so in their eyes, I was the ONLY one that ever existed besides their mother. I didn't care. They were of no consequence to me. I wanted the man and he wanted me. They had no say in it. I knew they were tagging along for the ride so I made efforts in the beginning to make room for them in my home but it was going to be up to them to make it work. I didn't care that they were precious, fragile children of divorce, relationships are 2 way streets and I could only go so far without reciprocation.
The biggest mistake I made was believing DH was as ambivalent to their feelings about our relationship as I was. I never saw him interact with his kids directly so he was basically living two lives: the one with me and then the one with them. He felt relief when he finally merged his two lives, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. He's not a bad dad, he's not a Disney dad, but still. It wasn't what I thought it would be at all.