when can we stop being "the bigger person"
BM is a bitch blah blah blah same story as most of you. My question is, when can we (DH and I) stop being the bigger person and bitch right back?
DH and I have a party this Saturday night. It's a very formal event, no kids allowed. We rarely ask BM for favors because she says no 99% of the time, but this time DH asked. He picks up SS every Saturday and 2 and drop him off Sundays at 9. So at last night's drop off he asked if he could pick SS up Friday at 2 (from school) and drop him off at 9 on Saturday. BM of course says no, she is busy Friday and if he doesn't come get SS at 2 Saturday he can't get him until Sunday. Well I guess DH told her something along the lines of, whenever you ask me for a favor I always help you out because today she texts and says, "I thought it over and you can't get SS at all this weekend if you don't come get him at 2 on Saturday. And you never do me any favors, remember you are his father."
I guess when she calls up and says her mother can't watch SS, can we come get him -that is not a favor. And when she says she wants to go to a party can we pick up SS earlier or later -that is not a favor. And when she calls four days in a row on the ONLY week we have him his WHOLE winter vacation and asks us to hand him over because she wants to take him to a holiday party, that is not a favor ever. Not even when we drop him off per her request and come pick him up once she has had enough and wants to get her drink on at said parties. That is definitely not a favor. DH is SS's father and as such should hand him over on HIS time because BM wants to put on her MOTY face in front of her friends at Christmas.
Whatever, DH is a dummy for always giving in to her demands and in all honesty his passive behavior has in part created this monster. The other part was created at birth when her brain failed to develop. SO, DH is now pissed because he always bends over backwards and she never returns the favor and is now in a "I will do nothing for BM" phase.
On the one hand I am overjoyed! On the other hand, I feel bad because SS might start to miss out. DH says if she asks us to not come get him one weekend because she wants to take him on vacation, DH wants to say no. I agree that I am done being at her beck and call, but maybe SS wants to go on vacation.
So my question is how much can we fight back? Is there a line where we should stop and say, ok let's let her have this one. SS has missed out on a lot of stuff with us because BM refuses to give in to anything we ask and I feel like we are sinking to her level and putting SS in the middle just like her. Don't get me wrong I would love to be the one to say "NO" for a change, but are we doing it at SS's expense? When is it ok to say no and when should we just let it go? Being the bigger person hasn't gotten us anywhere, and I am sure giving her a taste of her own medicine won't help either but at least it will feel good!
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Maux and Scubed, I really
Maux and Scubed, I really don't want to sink to her leve, but just THINKING about saying "no" to her is making me so happy I really wish she has some "emergency" this weekend just so I can try it out!!! I am looking forward to the ditch
Sounds like my SO's ex. When
Sounds like my SO's ex. When SO asks if he can pick skid4 up a little late she guilts, and insults him to no end. When that doesn't work she just tells skid4 that "Daddy isn't coming to get you." Obviously skid4 get upset & cries, so that's when she lets him call SO. Naturally he's in hysterics & he drops everything and runs to get him. She has also made plans for skid4 on SO's parenting time. When he confronts her about it she tells him that he will have to tell skid4 which would be fine if he actually got to tell him. Instead she tells skid4, gets him upset to the point of crying, and then hands the phone to him so Daddy can tell him.
I can't think of a single time SO has denied her when she's needed him to do her a "favor."
Yup! No matter how
Yup! No matter how inconvenient it is, DH always always ALWAYS says yes. BM? I think she has probably said yes once, and that was only because it was conevenient for her.
Yea your SS's BM is a bitch,
Yea your SS's BM is a bitch, and I would say you have to draw the line somewhere. Is the SS old enough to make a decission if lets say BM wants to go on vacation and take the son with her on your weekend with him, could you ask the SS what he would rather do? My husband and I stick to custody agreement, if BM want's our daughter on a dayy that we have her the answer is NO because she never does us any favors just like your situation...the only time we would do that is if it were something important for our daughter to be a part of, and we make exceptions for emergencies if she needs us to come get our daughter. If BM has "plans" that means she is giving up time with her daughter to go drink and be stupid (she's very immature). Don't get me wrong, we use to always go pick up our SD when it wasn't our time with her because BM had plans, we did this just because we wanted the extra time with our daughter but when we realized that BM was NEVER going to return the favor we had to stop bending over backwards...I hope ur DH stcks to his guns on this one! cuz theres nothing worse than having a BM walk all over you!
He has gotten so much better
He has gotten so much better about everything, I mean when I first met him it was ridiculous how much he was doing for her! I really think he is sticking to this decision, in fact I asked him, "what if SS wants to go on vacation?" He is not old enough to make the decision (he is only 4), but DH said, "well, she has Monday to Saturday morning to take him on vacation and if she can`t those days then that's her problem." I guess I have to wait it out and see.
Your husband can forfeit his
Your husband can forfeit his time for the weekend OR he can do what every parent does and hire a babysitter.
Personally, I wouldn't do anything that would give her the upper hand. Don't ask her for favors. It gives her power over your life.
yeahhhhhhhhh. This "favor
yeahhhhhhhhh. This "favor business" is for the birds. Namely BM. We ALWAYS take the SDs on her weekend. But the one time I ask her to switch a weeknight visit (no sleepover) for months ahead she says "No."
Not a problem you wretched miserable wench. The next time you want to go to 'Flawida' for your or your friend's birthday, ask your parents who are tired of your shit or hire a babysitter. HSMIC (Head Stepmom in Charge) ain't having it, and neither is my husband.
Please remember that an irrational BM is just that... irrational.
We have adopted the United State's motto on terrorism. "We do NOT negotiate with terrorists."
"We have adopted the United
"We have adopted the United State's motto on terrorism. "We do NOT negotiate with terrorists"
^^^^^^^^LOVE this!^^^^^^^^^
Well... "if you don't stand
Well... "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."
I'm on a roll!
I don't think your SS would
I don't think your SS would be missing out on anything, doesn't sound like she is the best influence anyway.
I would go by the co to a T!
I would go by the co to a T! if you need to do something on your time get a sitter or something but when bm wants you to take the kids so she can go do something tell her nope sorry have plans too. She can get a sitter like everyone else!
You are not going to be able t get her to do you any favors so stop trying. She will expect you to do her all kinds of favors just say no. Dh found this out the hard way when he went out of his way to help bm when her car was broke down but when we asked her to bring the kids to us while we were in town so she wouldn't have to go all the way to our house she refused and threw a fit. So much so that she tried to tell dh he just would get them then.
That is when he decided to go by the co period even if her car was broke down or whatever the 'issue' was! Now they meet half way and if she can't then her aunt or mom does it. Of course it took a month before bm got it that she had to do it this way but she understands that there are boundaries we put in place.
My point is that it will get worse before better but if you stick to it she will eventually learn that she can't bully anymore. Your dh HAS to let her know that she can't bully him even with his kid. It will not help the kid and it might be worse for a while but in the long run it will be better then what she is doing to the poor kid now.
If there's no such thing as
If there's no such thing as favors then don't do any for her.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies, I just felt like maybe we were putting SS in the middle and it really isn't his fault his mother is such a loser. But you guys are right, the only one really benefiting here is BM and we are DONE doing favors for her. Thanks