I would tell DH that he can shave his own childs underarms if he thinks it needs to be done so badly and that unless his child is required to treat me with the respect and authority that a parent figure deserves that he is on his own with her. Then I would wash my hands of her and her issues and let him deal with it 100% on his own. I would focus on the BIOS and SKID that do respect your role and appreciate you. You cant parent her any more then her father will allow. If he is not supportive of your role in her life she will NEVER be no matter how you try to dress it up.

It sounds like you have good intentions, but has there ever been any indication from SD13 that she will respond positively? What gives you any idea that she will treat this the same as you? You could reach out and have it backfire. It sounds like nothing you have done has worked so far, why would this?

Honestly, this event of shaving really isn't going to be much of a bonding thing either. If you want to do that, take her for a haircut.

As far as just shaving her because your husband wants you to, I'd say no. Why would an adult do basic hygiene for a teenager? If he is so worried about it, he can do it.. If none of it bothers her, then leave it. Sounds like she is a late bloomer. Maybe all of this will come in time?

OMG, noooooooooooooooooo....

I would rather die then let someone I hated shave my armpits. Why do you even think that would bring you closer? By forcing her to accept you invading her personal space?? "then I can "surpise" Sd13 with showing her something girly and a rite of passage....all because SD13 chose to let me in rather than shut me out." Whaaat??? I would "surprise" you back with a punch in the face if you tried to "treat" me to an arm pit shave. That's just ridiculous.

Buy her an electric shaver if she can't have razors and let her take car of her own armpits forcryingoutloud.

I agree-razor blade, hatred for sm, sm-all these things just dont go together. I think noone should shave her pits but her. That's gross and I agree an invasion of privacy. If she wants to have hairy pits let her-if it bothers dh soooo much-then he can try and shave her. Again, really crossed boundaries. Do you all shave her legs too? I've never heard of this-I've known lots of cutters-they shave themselves with parental supervision not have the parent do it for them.

I dont think this would be a bonding moment either. In fact, I dont think your sd is going to bond with you. And while I understand how painful it is to live with a kid who wont speak to you (got a ss13 myself)forcing myself on him and trying to mother him only makes him resist and back off even more. He does not want to feel that way about him-actually I've found the nicer I am to him the more he rejects me. Sadly if I am somewhat rude he makes an effort to be at least polite to me. However, I have a problem with being rude so instead I am just neutral. I have been trying for 11 years to have a relaionship with this kid and it just aint happening. I think you may have to accept the same with your sd and work for a peaceful coexistance if that is possible. Let her father parent her and dont try and force bonding. She should respect you and I do think you should give consequences for that-but you cant force love and bonding.

Good grief NO!
Invasion of personal space. No control over your own body. Maybe the girl LIKES having hairy armpits. HAving someone she doesn't want to like hold her down and say "Here, let me shave your armpits for you with a raxor. No, you can't hold the razor but I am going to denude your armpits for you to teach you this womanly task." OK, ask DH if he would like SD to shave his balls and see what the thinks THEN!

I wonder if she is being told what NOT to say but has no idea HOW to behave. Instead of vague generalizations "Treat her like the bus driver," why not "I expect please and thank you and nothing else." This gives her a concrete expectation. Please and thank you. No hugs. No smiles. If she doesn't want to take part "No ... thank you." OK, don't take part but you used your manners and this is a good thing. Don't force her to take part.

She only ruins things and events and camping trips if you accept her behaviour as more important than everyone else having fun. So she ruined things for EVERYONE ELSE by ignoring people and being silent. I would see that as a good thing. So she sulks. Carry on as normal. Stop trying to reach out to her.

Nothing annoys kids more than people having a good time and they aren't. Think of the power you are giving her by 'letting' her ruin these events.

Go about your daily work and tasks. If she wants to sulk in her room, let her. Just tell her she has to leave the door open or take the door off its hinges.
Don't force her to do anything except remember her pleases and thank yous. And everyone needs to say the same thing to her.

Her accusations of others picking on her and being harmful,... her father should tell her "I am sorry you feel this way. i will come over and watch for a bit and make sure everyone is being nice to each other... which includes you doesn't it?"
He isn't agreeing with her, he isn't giving her the benfit of the doubt. But he is standing by and watching everyone, including her. And will she play up while her father is watching?

But Do NOT think shaving her armpits will make her love you or accept you. I would punch you in the face if you attempted to shave my armpits. In fact NO ONE except me has ever done that. Maybe buy a trial size of Nair?

OMG! this makes me glad that I have a SON!! lol