I am VERY new to this forum and really look forward to meeting others and hearing some advice and friendship.

I am honestly exhausted with my situation with my SD and SS. They came to live with me when they were 5 1/2 and 7, and they are now 14 and 15. I had only been married one year when we took them for the summer and they just never went back. I married my husband knowing that he had children and planning on being an "every other weekend" stepmom. Their mother has had 8 more children by 6 different people since then. The reason we took the children was the repeated incidents of lice, poor hygiene and generally unsafe conditions for the children.

In hindsight, I think I should have been more aware that this was coming. I had no children of my own at that time, personally was the youngest of 2 and never babysat or been around children much. She acted very protective of her children and was attentive to them. I didn't think she lived in the best part of town, but I thought she was a decent mother.

Once she "disappeared" and didn't want to be a part of their life, I thought I would be doing what was best for them by providing them a better life. I thought I would be able to do it. My husband unfortunately left most of the parenting to me, and I allowed that. I wish I would have made him step up because I think that this has lead to my resentment toward him and toward them as well as their total dislike of me in most cases.

I then thought that I would feel more maternal toward them once I had my own children. The opposite happened. I was more resentful than ever of any time that took away from my own kids.

My marriage isn't strong, my stepkids have a host of problems and our household is generally very disfunctional. Part of me is SO INTENSELY GUILTY for the way things are today and part of me is SO RESENTFUL of those two kids. They have so many problems as a result of their first years being with her and then I feel we compounded it by the stress of our household.

I am at the point that I feel very uncomfortable with them at all. I truly feel as if I don't like them. It is so hard to write this down as I don't think it is okay to feel this way. My SD who is 15 writes AWFUL things about me in her journal. I didn't intentionally find this note...she left it in my younger kids craft drawer. But it was vulgar and disgusting and hurt my feelings. However, I know I earned this in some regards. They call me "Mom" but I don't feel like their mom. I feel this terrible pang of guilt every time they say this to me.

I don't know what to do now. I have never divorced my husband despite my srong desire to do so many times because I don't want to be another mother who leaves or upset their world again. I think I resent them for that as well. My head knows that it isn't their fault, but my sub-conscious is apparently blaming them. I have always been a loving, positive person. But I see myself in the mirror and I know that I have turned into this cynical, guilt ridden, sometimes mean person.

I know that there is no easy answer. But I would love to hear from any of you. I think different perspectives would help me as well. I just want to have this storybook life and Brady Bunch family. It isn't going to happen, but how do I get this back on track? Have I ruined their life by all that has happened?

Has anyone else EVER had any of these feelings??

Thank you for letting me vent and for this forum to do it!