SD's invitation
This evening, SD14 has a dance performance. She invited DH a few days ago, but not me. DH asked what does she think about me coming with him, she said 'if I wanted her, I would invite her'. He tried to convince her but she said no. It is not about me seeing her dance, its the fact that she can separate me from my husband like that and he will allow it. I think that you shouldn't separate married people when inviting. I think my husband should not let her do this.. But what I think clearly doesn't count.
- wreck's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Yeah... my husband would
:jawdrop:
Yeah... my husband would either bring me along or not go at all. Ask him why a 14 year old is allowed to dictate to a parent what he does and the relationships he's in. That's not acceptable.
I did, and he says that she
I did, and he says that she does not control our relationship but who comes to her dance, which he believes is her call.
Most reasonable DHs would,
Most reasonable DHs would, IMO, refuse this invitation. SD should not be allowed to do this. If he goes, it will also set a precedent for the future.
I think Dad should tell her
I think Dad should tell her a) he's hurt by this
b) ask her how she'd feel if, when she is older, someone decided to exclude HER BF/ DH
c) tell her that she doesn't have to love or like you but she has to treat you with respect.
And I think he should let her speak too and ask her point blank why she did this. Maybe she's afraid bm will pitch a fit or act out some other way. And if that's the case he definitely needs to chat with bm.
He needs to find out what's going on with sd so he can try to help her. And he won't be helping her at all by letting her act like this.
I think he definitely should
I think he definitely should ask her! If he does, I'll post what she said.
BM is married and SDs like
BM is married and SDs like the husband, so they wouldn't be sitting together.
BM would be sitting with her husband and siblings, DH with his mother and siblings.
I didn't want to go, I didn't
I didn't want to go, I didn't even know about this!
He expressed a desire that I go before I even knew about the dance.
He doesn't have just visitation, they share custody.
SDs are actually kind of disengaged from me. Except when it's time for a random mean comment when passing by me.
Their time with their father has pretty much nothing to do with me, and I don't ever fight for them to come more. The kids "called it quites" with me and it's still the same as it was before.
They don't think they'll lose their father - and I'm sure they won't. No way. They're no. 1 in his eyes. He keeps choosing them over everything and everyone all the time, even when there's no need to do so. He just cares about them too much I think.
That's actually one of the problems I have in this marriage.. Him putting them above anything and anyone all the time.
They can't lose him, but I can. And that's the last thing I want.
i'm with echo and sa. sd is
i'm with echo and sa. sd is getting married soon, and she addressed the invitation to fdh and bs. bd and i are not invited, obviously. i don't like her. bd doesn't like her. we don't like being around her. we are not offended that we are not invited. i am actually relieved. it means i have a free pass to not go and no one can make me out to be bad for it. i can simply tell them i was not invited, and it's not my day, who am i to show up uninvited? i'm sure sd thinks she's punishing bd and me, but she is sadly mistaken if she thinks we want any part in her life.
i don't understand why so many sm's get mad about not being welcome where they don't want to go in the first place. seems like a win win to me. i do understand being pissed that a child is calling the shots. i guess i just care more about my peace of mind than i do about sending sd a message that she can't keep me away. i wouldn't want her at any event of mine, either. she will not be welcome at the hospital when my baby is born. if fdh and i decide to ever get married, we will go to vegas to do it because i don't want any bullshit drama from the troublemakers in his family. i sure as hell would not want that bitch to be there. i just don't give a shit. fdh can have his relationship with her, i don't want one. he can go to her events, i am happy to decline, even happier to not be invited as that can't be used against me.
and about disengagement, i have most definitely floored and stunned sd by completely shutting the door of my life on her. she apparently thought her nasty behavior would have no consequences and that because she is fdh's daughter, i HAVE to put up with her. no, i don't. she has seen over the past year that no amount of pathetic guilt trips or lame attempts to shame are going to change anything. so now i am evil and horrible, but i was anyway, so who cares? she's pissed because i am not standing in her line of fire anymore and she lost her target. oh f'g well. contrary to what she believes, i owe her nothing. it is ridiculous that she thinks i have to put up with being treated like garbage just because fdh was stupid and didn't use a condom with her mom. she is nothing to me. just like i am to her. but she doesn't like that i have the freedom to be done with her. she liked it much better when she was a kid and i felt obligated to keep trying with her. she doesn't like that as an adult, i can tell her to piss off and be done and she can't do a damn thing about it.
Gosh with you about to give
Gosh with you about to give birth any day now I should think the last place you'd want to be is sat on an uncomfortable chair in a hall somewhere watching pubescent teenagers leaping about. Aren't you due in a week?
Yes- you're right. But it's
Yes- you're right. But it's not about watching their dance (even though I admit they're good), because that's not what I want. I don't want to see her performance. I want her to stop separating us, I want DH to do something about it, I don't want to go see her dance but I don't want DH to let her separate a married couple either! She should have some respect. The problem is not the dance and me seeing it or not, it's the flat out disrespect.
They are. But it's just that
They are.
But it's just that she always does this. Invites DH, but not me. All the time. This is just one of the situations. And I'm sick of her getting to exclude me just because she feels like it,and DH allowing it.
Rude, very rude. And DH seems
Rude, very rude. And DH seems to accept it and THAT'S my problem.
SDs are kinda disengaged from me. That didn't change their relationship with DH.
No, that's not what I
No, that's not what I said.
An event for anyone who is invited to attend.
SD invited her grandmother, aunts, uncles and BM's husband.
I will also say that she
I will also say that she likely doesn't like you, and that's ok. She doesn't have to.
But DH's not doing anything about this now will
A) not help to teach her how to get along with people she may not care for (something we all have to do in life)
and
I can guarantee that she would not want her bf/dh being excluded from, say, Dad's retirement party or birthday party because he doesn't care for him. She'd tell him to be a big boy or she won't be there.
I have no interest in
I have no interest in attending anything for my ss15. So one hand, I think to myself that you should be happy that you dont have to go-on the other hand I get what you are saying.
In my marriage, dh and I do things together. Like always. We dont really go anywhere socially without one another. Like ever. I had a sd in my first marriage as well. She graduated from an alternative high school. She invited dh, but not me. He said something to her about it, and she told him that it would make her mother uncomfortable if I were there (we'd been together for 6 years at that point-and they'd been apart for 8-but whatever). My dh did not go. At the time, I really didnt mind. There were not alot of events that she excluded me from, there wasnt a big history of this, and I truly didnt care. But when it came down to it-he told me that HE would be uncomfortable without me there. That he did not want to go when bm and various of her family members would be there-and yes, they are they type to come up to him and try to get him to go out for a dinner or celebration afterwards.
So he simply told sd that HE would be uncomfortable attending any sort of event without his wife-he offered that the both of us would love to take her out for a nice dinner sometime to celebrate her acheivement, but that he just wouldnt be able to attend. He said she just said, ok. She is typically one to yell and scream if you make her mad, and she didnt so we both assumed she was ok with it.
Kudos to your DH for handling
Kudos to your DH for handling that in such a great way, supporting you but without putting you in the middle or causing conflict.
this isn't about whether you
this isn't about whether you want to go or not. it's about your dh being disloyal to you. my dh and i would never attend an event where one of us was specifically left out. period. that means graduations, weddings, funerals, etc... you DO NOT invite one spouse and not the other (gender only celebrations are the only exception). this is DEFINITELY a hill to die on. if your dh goes, he is disrespecting you and your marriage, and showing his kids that it's ok, that he'll do it too. it shows them that you are so insignificant to him that he will continue catering to them and will not change his relationship with them no matter how badly they treat you. this is the exact opposite of what you were told above. your dh will NOT change in the future and cling to you and go where you go. by not taking up for yourself, you are telling him that YOU will follow HIM.
I know exactly how you feel.
I know exactly how you feel. My SO's daughter insisted that I not show up at her dorm last August to help move her in. We drove 10 hours to another town with some of her stuff in our car, but the night before we were to move her in, she told her dad over the phone that she wanted it just to be him and her mom. Well, it was not just him and her mom, it was also BM's BF. So it was okay for BM's BF to be there to help move her in, but not me. My SO went over the next morning and dropped off her stuff, did a couple of things for her, but let her know that he would NOT be going out to dinner with all of them (roommate and her parents too, BM and her BF), but he would be coming back to our hotel and having dinner with Hanny. That made me feel a little better, at least he stood up for me a little. The whole thing was very awkward, and I haven't forgotten it. The next time I saw her was when she came home for XMAS, she gave me a big hug and was oh so sweet, like nothing ever happened. I did not send her even a card for her 18th BD a month after the moving in incident, let alone the $50 buck I usually gave her. I'm trying not to hold a grudge, but I will never forget that she specifically excluded me. Actually, I didn't really care either way, I went out and did some shopping that day and had a great time. It was just the disrespect from a 17 year old.