Need some Help
Hello All,
New here for the first time today reading my life in the words of everyone else. Have to say its kinda creeping me out a bit. I was at first feeling that I was the only one. If this site had a dollar for every time that was said it could feed the California Homeless. Anyway, Here is my spacific question. I get that I just bought into all this and I have to now live with it. At least thats what it looks like. I might be able to even pull it off. It being a good or great GF to my BF and growing our relationship as hard as it is under the same roof with blended family issues. But I dont really know how. I thought I did but we are simply failing.
Folks right now I am really hurting. I could not stop crying all day. I feel I am not successful at this and it will not work out. How do you all do this? We seem to have no time together. He has spacific issues and timelines that I cannot work with.
Sports for him and his kids are very important. It actually is a good outlet and I love that he has one. I love that they like it and it is good for them. I personally have never had that option for my kids. My employment is not something that I can get away from that frequently. Weekends my kids are with thier Father. His kids are newly with us full time. Long story there so I wont go into it. BM has them only 2 weekends a month. My BF is a WONDERFUL Father. Cant say enough good things about him. Here is the challenge. We have no time together. Not M-F or on a Sat or Sun. If we do it is so random that I cannot find a way to be at my best for him or us. We ususally bump into eachother here or there just before I crash from a hard day of work. (Have a job Thank God)
With so many obligations to his kids activities it keeps him from having any quantity of free time to have this relationship. Or Provide any knowledge of when these times will be. To be honest I feel like we have about 1 hour together every 2 weeks or so. This is a ton of work and strugle to go through to have so little. I am not sure what we are really doing.
So there you have it. I am drained, exhaustedfrom the struggle and beat down. How do you all do it. I need to know.
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Comments
Well, I think we could. I
Well, I think we could. I have tried almost everything. We even tried a 30mn every day thing. Walking and holding hands date. Etc. It just seems like impossible at this point. A sitter would be a great idea. I think we need to schedule one weekly. I just donet know if he can work it in to a schedule weekly. Honestly if he cant find 30 mn a day how is he going to find an entire night weekly. This just sucks.
sorry but I cant spell when
sorry but I cant spell when I cry and type at the same time. cant see the keyboard.
Ages, 19 yr old Daughter
Ages, 19 yr old Daughter his, 17 year old son mine, 15 year old daughter his, 12 year old son his, 10 year old daughter mine. 3 cats 1 dog and a fish. 5 Dif schools in 5 Dif cities. Both of us work full time. His kids cause many problems. My kids feel really left out. WTF How is all this done? I am not sure it is with a babysitter every week. I just dont know what to do.
they are old enough to watch
they are old enough to watch them self. i would ask bf to have bm start taking them to some of their activities. i like the idea of a date night..maybe every other week since you seem to be so busy.
maybe you guys can do stuff with his when your kids are with their dad, and then ise versa, that way its less kids to focus on at a time and you can focus on each other more.
Sure, I guess we will have
Sure, I guess we will have to just start trying harder at that. I feel like we do try at it. it just seems like his activities are really what get in the way. If I should even say it that way. Has anyone else ever had the SO so involved in activities? I am more of a home body. I like to come home and just be with everyone and find ways to do exactly what you are suggesting. However, when I come home they are not there, so in turn he is not there. They always have some "thing" that they are doing so I am there with just my kids most of the time. When they are home he has to help with homework, follow up on the chores, eat with them, and follow up on showers and bed time. He litterally watches over them so they do it. I personally feel it should be a smooth self run machine at the ages they are at. And that he should not have to spend every waking moment with them away from us. has anyone been in this position? We have been together only 1.5 years. 1.2 of them have been with a terrible custody battle that BM started after we moved in together. We now have the kids full time due to her poor choices for them and herself at that time. That 1.2 years was so stressful and full of many days and hours trying to just defend him against the madness and lies she creates. We really have had no time for 1.2 years. Now all of that is done and there is still no time because they are here.
Is it just me or is this really too much?
i think your bf needs to
i think your bf needs to make time for YOU, end of story. he needs to see that you are a part of his life too, and if he intends on you being there for him he needs to show you that you are a priority to him too...
i can understand that when you are in a custody battle your relationship is kind of put on the back burner because you come together and focus on the common goal of defending your self against bm. dh and i just went through this....now, we are at the point where we are re learning how to focus on each other now that all the drama has been delt with. the intimacy has not been top priority because we were so stressed, and now we are both adjusting to actually enjoying the drama free environment.
i think now is a vey important time for you two, you need to re discover who each other are with out the drama in the middle of you two. is bf willing to make more time for you?.....maybe that should be the first question, because if he isnt willing to work on that, than you have a whole other set of issues on your hands.
can you talk to him? he should not be having to over see the kids at every step at their age
Your DH needs to MAKE the
Your DH needs to MAKE the time to spend with you. Maybe he can give up one of his activities. I agree, the kids are old enough to stay on their own for a while. Heck, I was babysitting the neighborhood kids when I was 12! But your DH has to want to find the time in his schedule to devote to a date night.
Your right. He has to want
Your right. He has to want it. That is what hurts I think. I dont think he wants to. I am sure that if he did he would. Without my having to contantly ask. This is why it feels like we are failing.
"I dont think he wants
"I dont think he wants to."
Have you asked him why he chooses to keep himself so busy with sports and activities? What's his reason for going to sporting events all weekend, every weekend?
Here is what he does and
Here is what he does and what he says.
He says, He wants to go to All my kids games. I would have to agree that he should and could. I dont want to get in the way of that.
He Also assistant coaches the teams the kids are on and volunteers for some activity for every game. Every weekend. I cannot really ask him to stop doing that but I think within reason would be ok. I am not sure he has to be there every time. The BM goes to them on her weekends and really does not want him there. It might be good if he gave them some space. But Im not really sure there either. My ex does not give me trouble at all. very reasonable guy.
He also is on a team that plays once maybe twice a weekend. This is just for him, he has been doing it forever. I am not sure I can ask for that time from him either. However, all of these together can take up a weekend. They are very time consuming. So there is really no way to compromise on it as far as I can tell. I have no right to even ask that he just ease up on this stuff. Yet he knows it is causing a huge rift to be so busy all the time.
Then there is the practices durring the week. They all need to be dedicated to the teams they are on right? so there is no room for compromise there either.
I think it is just hard to accept that the little bit of time he is home has to be spent with just his kids. That he has to hand hold so much of the daily routine that it leaves not time for anyone else. This is how your life can end up with only about 1 hour every two weeks. How can a relationship survive this? it cant.
Not only that the ex is a nightmare on acid. She is just soooo BAD. I think this is all doomed and that it will not work. I think he is unreasonable with it and not intending to fix it. and I think that I am stuck. I have to accept it and live with it or move on. I can be only so perfect here.
I have been terribly, painfully supportive of his situation and patient for our life to start. Extreamly forgiving of all the heartache we have had over all the Ex and strange kid issues. )Though it looks like I was not alone there. THis site is a real eye opener.) He tells me this stuff all the time too. He appreciates what I am doing for him.
I think you were right. He has to WANT to do it. he really has to. I am begining to feel that he hides behind all of these things to not have to be there.
we are going to have it set
we are going to have it set that which ever parent has ss for the custodial night that an activity falls on takes him....unless its a one time thing (like a play, or recital, or finals game)
we had ss in tball and it was a nightmere, bm made ss feel so uncomfortable that he didnt even want to play. bm tells ss that im mean to her, dh should be with her not me, im a monster....etc. so seeing us in the same place freaks ss out
you said you guys just got full custody....so how much time did bf spend with his kids before he got custody? I would assume that he did these activities with them because they didnt live with you, but now that they are there full time, he needs to realize that he needs to compensate some where else so that he has time for you.
"I have no right to even ask
"I have no right to even ask that he just ease up on this stuff."
You have every right to ask that he ease up. If you don't ask, what will happen to your relationship? If he values your relationship as much as you, he will be more than willing to give up a little bit of sports time to spend some quality time with you. If he doesn't, then you'll at least have your answer and will be able to decide where to go from there.
Sorry I had to be gone for a
Sorry I had to be gone for a while. I think all of this is in line with what I was saying. All of the opinions is that he simply needs to make the time. He had been this involved before but it was 50/50 before. Your also right in that things are dif now. Since the time has changed that we can be together he needs to balance it with time for me as well. I agree with all of that. I am somehow some way going to try and talk about this with him. Thank you for all your help today. I was feeling so alone and hurt. I realized by talking with you that it really is his issue if you think about it. Yes it hurts that he seems to put me asaide but it is because he is doing it. I am really good about not feeling bad about myself due to others actions. So I guess we will see.
Thank you everyone. I really needed some support today. It has been a really, really bad friday the 13th for me.
Lets see what the weekend brings.
Thanks again