Tired of being the target of SD's hurt/anger caused by BM
Background: SD lives with us, SS lives with BM each has the standard visitation schedule and we live about 25 miles (30-45 minute drive depending on traffic) from BM.
So BM calls SD at 3:45pm on Thursday to let her know she couldn't pick her up for her Thursday overnight visit because she had to take SS to his band concert. This was not a surprise band concert by the way, it's been scheduled for months! She normally picks up SD at 4:30, SS didn't have to be at band thing until 6:20 so she could have easily done both. But instead, BM tells SD that she can't come pick her up but "if Dad and WifeVersion2.0 are coming to SS's band event, that we could bring SD to her". In other words, BM (who doesn't work) can't be bothered to drive up here and back for her daughter but she will take her if we personally deliver her!
So I get a text from SD relaying this information about 15 minutes before I leave work. DH and I already had plans to meet at a restaurant in BM's city for a dinner-date before heading to SS's band event. Coming home to get SD and taking her along would have been out of my way, and taken long enough that I would have missed my dinner date with DH who was also coming from work. So, after conferring with DH I told SD that she would be enjoying her night at our house then and let her know she could have what she wanted for dinner. Never heard anything more from her.
Now today she's moping about and I finally ask if there's something bothering her and she says that she's mad at ME for not taking her to her mom's house on Thursday!?!?!?
As nicely as I could (while biting my tongue) I explained to her that perhaps her anger is misdirected and perhaps she should be mad at the person who cancelled on her at the last minute instead!!
I'm not her mom, as she likes to spew to me so often, but I get all the crap while she buys every bullshit excuse BM feeds her! Where was her anger when BM gave her nothing and did nothing for her 16th birthday? Where was her anger when BM has cancelled 3 out of the last 4 Thursday overnights? Where was her anger when BM didn't show for her art award ceremony after saying she'd be there? Why does BM get a free pass on all this BS while I get blasted for not dropping my plans one time at a moment's notice to cater to BM's and SD's wishes?
I know most of these are rhetorical questions and a lot of this is teenage girl hormones. I'm always the dependable one so I suppose SD has different expectations of me than she does BM but it sure sucks to be "Not The Mom" while being held to a higher standard than the woman with the "Mom" title!
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Comments
Kids will always side with
Kids will always side with the insecure parent and lash out at the safe one. They feel safe so therefore more at liberty to show their emotions, they worry that if they lash out at the insecure parent, they will lose them.
As frustrating as it is, take it as a sign of a strong relationship. I see it play out with my ex-SD and her mom and dad. She always complains about her mom to her dad, always "hates" her mom, yet it is mom she goes to when there is a problem at school, or she needs advice. She is scared of losing her dads attention, and she knows the way to his heart is through lying about her mom. So, that is what she does. Sad thing is, dad will eventually lose her love, while mom will have it. And I saw this while I lived with ex (if she said about something terrible mom did, she would get hours of talking, so rewarded with attention), I would point this out to ex, he could not see it. Even when it was so obvious as ex-SD saying her mom pushed her down and punched her in the face - took me calling it, for her to admit, actually, mom just grounded her, and then I was evil SM for calling it!
Do not worry, when you parent instead of being a friend these things happen
Kids will always side with
Kids will always side with the insecure parent and lash out at the safe one. They feel safe so therefore more at liberty to show their emotions, they worry that if they lash out at the insecure parent, they will lose them.
As frustrating as it is, take it as a sign of a strong relationship. I see it play out with my ex-SD and her mom and dad. She always complains about her mom to her dad, always "hates" her mom, yet it is mom she goes to when there is a problem at school, or she needs advice. She is scared of losing her dads attention, and she knows the way to his heart is through lying about her mom. So, that is what she does. Sad thing is, dad will eventually lose her love, while mom will have it. And I saw this while I lived with ex (if she said about something terrible mom did, she would get hours of talking, so rewarded with attention), I would point this out to ex, he could not see it. Even when it was so obvious as ex-SD saying her mom pushed her down and punched her in the face - took me calling it, for her to admit, actually, mom just grounded her, and then I was evil SM for calling it!
Do not worry, when you parent instead of being a friend these things happen
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the replies. SD didn't really have a response when I pointed out the logic of why she should be angry at BM instead of me since I'm not the one that changed plans on her at the last minute.
She's still being standoffish this morning. DH told her she owes me an apology and needs to redirect her feelings to the person that continues to let her down on a regular basis and she replied that she can't control who she's mad at. We did remind her that DH and I both work and run a household of 4 busy kids while her BM doesn't work and has only 2 kids to worry about full time and one of those is in kindergarten so she's not all that busy. We explained that we don't change our plans last minute because of somebody else's failure to plan ahead. That had BM had car trouble, or some other unexpected event that caused her not to be able to get SD that the result might have been different. Also, we let her know that had BM asked us in advance then we could have made plans around that as well.
Logically I know that this is a teenage girl working through her emotions the best she can. But it's difficult for me not to react by reminding her of all the terrible things BM has done to her. I mean there is a reason that SD chose to leave BM's house and love with her dad instead. It's because she likes the routine and the security of knowing that things will be handled and was fed up with having to be the adult at her mom's house all the time.
DH wants to have a sit down with her tonight after she gets off work, we will see how that goes.